Long Distance Friendships

[LisianthusClouds]

How do you cope with them and make them work?

I’ve a friend who splits their time between where I live and another country, and will probably be jumping back and forth every few months.

I really missed them when they moved, they came back and didn’t seem keen to meet up, which was a bit hurtful as we have very in depth convos via message, but he maintained messaging me.

I suggested a couple of things we could do, they never took me up on these suggestions. They said they’d arrange a catch up before Christmas, I left them to do this and they never did.

They’ve been back in our hometown nearly 4 months, I’ve bumped into them a handful of times and we’ve had some banter, the first time they gave me a massive hug.

I know they are due to leave and go back abroad in a couple of weeks time - do I even bother trying to suggest catching up? Or do I just leave things as they are and accept that the dynamic of our friendship has changed and this is just how things are going to roll from now on?

Also, if you’ve been on the opposite side - what’s it like for you?

Not sure if relevant, but I’m F and happily married with DC, friend is same age but M and single. We went to school together and reconnected a couple of years ago.
I usually steer all meet ups and 75% of communication.

Maybe the “season, reason or lifetime” of friendship springs to mind…

Your friend is not interested in a friendship with you. Plenty of people are meaningful through messages or social media because it's an easy way to pour your heart without necessarily connecting the message with who they are sending it to.
If he valued a genuine friendship with you he would have taken one of the many opportunities to meet up with you while he's been in your area.
Just let the friendship drift. Keep it as "nice to bump into you and say a quick hello", but don't keep asking for a meet up when he's shown he's not interested.

@HoHoHoliday Thank you for taking the time to reply.

You are right, I guess I’ve just been a bit sad and in denial about it all.

I needed to hear this though, as deep down I recognise all of the things that you are saying.
I was starting to feel like I valued the friendship more than him, but now I am reaching the conclusion that perhaps I am the only one of us who truly values the friendship full stop.
Pleasantries and bumping into each other on the off chance it is…

This will be an unpopular opinion but in my experience men are bad at maintaining platonic friendships with women. I don't bother with investing friendship energy into straight men these days, having experienced v similar to what you're describing

I have two friends who have emigrated, one we speak monthly on messenger but she always arranges to meet up 2 or 3 times when she’s home.

other friend I receive a Christmas card and a birthday message and then a message to say when she’s home to meet up, Ive tried messaging her more but she takes forever to reply so I don’t make the effort anymore.

I do t think this is a long distance friendship situation, really. I’ve moved around a lot internationally, so large numbers of my friends are scattered all over, and I might not see them for years, or we go on a joint holiday annually or something, but they’re straightforward, mutually satisfying friendships.

Your friendship sounds more like an acquaintanceship, if you knew each other at school, then contact lapsed and you only met again shortly before he left the country? It may be that it’s simply not an established enough friendship for him to want to take it much beyond texting?

one of the many things I’ve learned since finding MN is compatibility is as important with friendships as it is with romances. He’s quite happy to be text friends and you’d prefer to meet up.

Personally, I don’t think someone you never spend time with is a friend, you might like each other but you’re not friends. Only texting is more like a pen pal.

Sorry he’s disappointed you but maybe you can still enjoy staying in contact with him if you change your expectations and think of him as an entertaining text pal.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

I have read and digested all of your comments and really appreciate the different aspects to this that you’ve all pointed out.

It’s been really valuable and timely to me, I can just leave things as they are, let things drift in an organic kind of way and maintain the odd pleasantry here and there.