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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Custody, SEN and abusive partner

4 replies

Genevieve1971 · 29/02/2024 09:20

Hi. I would welcome advice. I have been in a highly emotionally abusive relationship for years, which has on occasion been physically abusive. I have tried to leave before but wasn't strong enough to weather the onslaught of abuse and control. I am finally leaving. My OH is autistic, has high anxiety and dominates and controls everything. I strongly suspect he is a vulnerable narcissist so prone to extreme anger outbursts. He has been abusive to my daughter but not my son. I am finally leaving and he is trying to destroy me, playing relentless mind games. All of a sudden he's fun dad and on a charm offensive with the children, whilst passively aggressively destroying my confidence and dominating all interactions with the children. I am a shell of who I was. He has reneged on all agreed custody arrangements and is going for 50% custody, week in week out. He is playing a clever game, all of a sudden doing things like getting up for breakfast or having a nighttime routine that he has never done. My children are 14 and 10. They are both autistic. After everything I've been through I'm heartbroken and devastated. I am too scared to take him through the courts as he is ruthless with no empathy and I am scared of the impact of his vengeance upon me and the children after the court case is settled and he's already said he'll play dirty if things rule against him. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice. To try to meet him half way I suggested I do week days to give children routine (which I've always done - he has no time management) and he has fun weekends with all holidays shared. He has rejected this. He wants absolute half. I know he is partially doing this to punish me for leaving but I don't think, legally, I can stop him without recourse through the courts. All advice welcomed on how I can make this work and what I can do to try to protect the children. Schools are aware of past abuse and I'm logging everything. Thank you.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 29/02/2024 09:27

While this hasn't happened to me I have seen both friends and family go through this with men who love bomb kids to get back at the wife and say they want 50/50. Some even get 50/50 in court. It never lasts though.

Either the dad gets bored or realises what 50/50 actually involves and reneges on the agreement because he wants his 'freedom' or the kids wise up and realises what a douche-canoe their dad really is and stay away.

Just don't let him bully you. Grey rock him and spend time away from him and book things to do in advance with the kids so he can't dominate.

StrawberryWater · 29/02/2024 09:29

Also:

"he'll play dirty if things rule against him"

To me that sounds like a threat to life. Start recording him covertly if you can and go to the police. Get away from this man.

LostNFoundSV · 29/02/2024 09:29

Hi, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m unable to offer any advice but you are absolutely doing the right thing in leaving this abusive relationship. There will be others who can offer you some practical advice re timing and the legalities. Take care.

Genevieve1971 · 29/02/2024 12:51

Thank you. This is what I'm doing now I know what he's up to. He's been on the charm offensive with me recently so I knew he was up to something. I'm documenting everything and yes I'm stonewalling him. Yes love bombing is exactly what he's up to with the children. I'm booking a lovely weekend away with the children, just me, for mother's day and have a few other fun things planned too. I'm hoping he can't keep up.the act until mediation.

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