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Original poster

Open relationship..?

26 replies

Properjob · 29/02/2024 05:14

Hi all...after getting through a divorce in my 60s (thanks Mumsnet!) I started dating. After a couple of years I met a guy from Europe. Our relationship developed and we spent a week every month together, usually at his home abroad as he still works ft, and longer holidays for weeks at a time 24/7. Very good times, fun and travel, met each others kids, etc. For nearly 2 years. I gradually fell for him totally, though it was clear for various practical reasons (brexit etc) we would never 'marry' we planned months together when he retired in 2 years. We have plans up until August this year. He has now asked for an open relationship, saying that despite wanting to continue to see me he feels trapped and wants (indeed has, but not before telling me this) to see other women ( but no sex yet, though there would be) We agree we had a wonderful sex life he says its not just about that haha. I have had a coffee date with a nice man , and enjoyed that more than I thought I would. We have been having open honest discussion about the details and intellectually I can see no reason not to do it. But I am heartbroken. Am I being a mug???

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/02/2024 05:17

You feel how you feel.

Garlickit · 29/02/2024 05:24

If my life was that entwined with someone else's and I was having a sexual relationship with them, I'd want to be exclusive. I can see an argument for it when the relationship's long term but part time. There must be some for whom it would be ideal, but it would leave me feeling insecure.

It's in his favour that he's come clean at this point. One way to look at things would be to view your current relationship as a FWB type deal while you date others, with perhaps a view to developing a more conventional bond with someone else.

How do you feel about it?

MiltonNorthern · 29/02/2024 05:49

Asking for an open relationship after 2 years is a dick move. If you don't want this then don't try to go along with it to please him. Better to end it than go through that, it will break your heart.

LostittoBostik · 29/02/2024 06:00

If it doesn't feel right for you walk away.

There will be someone else who meets all your needs, not just some of them.

(Even if they person is just you)

SheepAndSword · 29/02/2024 06:03

I wouldn't like this personally, but it completely depends how you feel about it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 29/02/2024 06:57

@Properjob well if you feel the need to ask the question "am I being a mug" then obviously you feel and know that you are! so why ask???

GreyCarpet · 29/02/2024 07:28

I am heartbroken

Surely the rest of it is irrelevant then?

If you feel heartbroken by it?

PieAndLattes · 29/02/2024 07:39

This man isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated. If an open relationship isn’t for you then you need to tell him so you can both go and find what makes you happy.

Pyaar · 29/02/2024 08:36

You would be a mug to carry on with this. You deserve better than to be feeling heartbroken

SheepAndSword · 29/02/2024 08:40

He's changed the goalposts, if that makes you unhappy then exit

MMmomDD · 29/02/2024 08:43

Hard to say - as your setup is not really traditional.

You don’t live in the same country. You see each other one week/month, plus holidays.
You have no plans to move in together in longer term. Not sure how Brexit affects it, tbh

You are in your 60s where people seek somewhat more of closer companionship to spend the later years together as life becomes less active - your relationship doesn’t have that long term plan.
It seems more of an arrangement of convenience that works for now.

He is being honest and smart - he should find someone local to him. So should you.
And i am guessing - once he (or you) do - you’ll move on from this relationship.

MandyRiceDavies · 29/02/2024 08:44

Sorry, OP. To me this would be no different from him saying he wants to end the relationship but still have sex with you- basically moving to FWB. Might suit some people but wouldn’t suit me, and I would be moving on.

Open relationships rarely work and when they do it’s because both parties want it. This would be you accepting crumbs for the chance to sleep with him now and then.

You’re not a mug. You deserve better.

Startingagainandagain · 29/02/2024 08:45

End it.

An open relationship is not what you want, so leave him to it...

ZsaZsaTheCat · 29/02/2024 08:53

Erm … changing the goal posts? Not what you signed up for? If you are ‘heartbroken ‘ now it can’t get any better can it. End it.

Opentooffers · 29/02/2024 10:47

This was never going to be a 'forever' relationship. In a way its for the best that it's changed now, otherwise it becomes a thing that delays what you probably ultimately want, which is a person who you can settle with long-term.
I think it's best to accept that this has run its course and just be grateful for the good times had.
When you started out after divorce, you probably weren't thinking long ahead, otherwise I doubt you would of chosen someone so far away. It might be time to look closer to home with someone who realistically could be part of your life without involving lots of upheaval for that to occur.

Marineboy67 · 29/02/2024 12:48

Sounds like he's already dipped his toe in or something else already. You've invested yourself in something which turns out isn't ideal. I'd move on and drop this one.

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 22:03

Why are you considering continuing with something you find heart breaking?

MsDogLady · 01/03/2024 00:26

@Properjob, you’ve spent 2 years building and deepening intimacy with this man in the context of an exclusive relationship, but he has unilaterally changed the parameters and you feel heartbroken. Please don’t contort yourself to accept this new FWB dynamic that will engender much torment and diminishment.

MiriamMargolyezSausages · 01/03/2024 06:17

Since you are heartbroken about this, you would be a mug to ignore your own feelings for a few crumbs of his time and affection.

He probably did have sex with her (them?) and it's shitty to ask after he already cheated. Talk about cake and eat it.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 01/03/2024 06:22

He's possibly or even probably already talking to or sleeping with someone else in particular,or planning to soon. Which is why you're heartbroken. 😪 Doesn't sound like this is "you".

Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2024 07:23

I imagine your relationship will fizzle out now either way. If you don’t agree to an open relationship it’s over- you can’t stop him having relationships with other women.

But if he’s not invested enough in you to want monogamy would he be bothered with the logistics of including you (travel fixed dates etc) in his relationship pool?

Would you want to go to the expense of travelling to visit him knowing there are x number of local women who’ll be taking your place once you’re on your way back to the airport?

I think you’d better off finding someone closer to home who wants the type of relationship you want

Secondstart1001 · 01/03/2024 07:31

For me it would feel like a bit of a betrayal after 2 years as he’s changing the goal posts so to speak. Which is why you are devastated.

Original poster
Properjob · 01/03/2024 13:43

Many thanks, these are the kind of wise comments that I need to hear......Flowers

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 01/03/2024 13:46

He wants you to approve of his cheating on you. That is a deal-breaker if I ever heard one. Eew, yuk, ick. He would be exposing you to STIs, etc. Just disgusting.

twingiraffes · 01/03/2024 13:57

He just wants to shag around and isn't committed enough to you for that to stop him.

That would be a complete deal-breaker for me.