Was that such a good first date?

[NewGirlinClass]

I am Bisexual, I am 32, At the weekend I had a date with older experienced woman. Stayed over, slept together it was planned. I have known her for while. We were very relaxed. My first proper sex with another woman, All wonderful.
When I got home and on Monday I was walking on air. Over the Moon etc.
But since then I realised how organised she was, so attentive. Food, snacks, drinks hot cold wine all was on offer. House immaculate, not just nice.

Kept calling me darling or lovie every sentence.
If it had been a man I would have been suspicious and might have thought I was being played.
It seems odd because she didn't need to go to those lengths to get me into bed. I was very willing I didn't need to be seduced.

Is she genuine and I am cynical and being unreasonable? Why do I feel uneasy?

Haven't met her, so have no idea for your particular situation.

However, from my own experience, all the women I've dated have been way more organised, communicative, prepared, and generally together than the men, so if there's no more to it than that, I wouldn't think there were any red flags personally - but it's a first date, so sure, keep your eyes open. If you haven't dated women before, you may just feel uneasy because it's different to whatever standard behaviours you're used to with men...

You say you've known her for a while though... What does your prior knowledge tell you?

Also I'm not great at choosing men, my taste in women is way better. {Shrug}

Follow your gut. If it feels wrong it's a massive red flag and run away. This advice is echoed on here daily.

This puts it so well.

l would suggest you enjoy the ride and see how things transpire. It’s early days, don’t lose control if your emotions but accept that dating a woman is very different 🌈.

I have no experience of, or interest in, dating women. However, one of my closest friends is gay and this is exactly how she is on a first date. She is very attentive and thoughtful. She's not a player.

Some men do this, and you're right, it can come across as a bit too 'smooth' and outcome focused (sex).

My friend does this sort of thing because she wants to show that the woman is important to her, that she has considered her needs and her comfort. She wants her to feel cared for and special.

We have often shared dating experiences because they are so different!

There are undoubtedly some women who have found her to be a bit OTT but they haven't been for her.

I wonder how you've been when you've dated men? My partner moved in with me last year and said recently (jokingly) that I'd lured him in with promises of a perfect house and perfect food in the early days because id made so much effort 😁

I'd think this was her way of 'making an effort' for you. Considering what she would appreciate on a first date.

I think you feel uneasy because it's so far removed from your experience of a first date with a man. It may be a red flag but no one knows at this stage.

l would suggest you enjoy the ride and see how things transpire. It’s early days, don’t lose control if your emotions but accept that dating a woman is very different

I think this is very good advice.

Hi all, Thank you for your kind and detailed replies. I feel better already, y'know; reassured.
We have been in touch since and she is coming to mine on Saturday. Hope we don't get competitive on Spring Cleaning😁. I even thought of taking Friday off.

The 'darling' and 'love' would irritate me, but the rest just sounds like she made an effort. Fundamentally, it's 'here is some food and drinks' with effort made at tidying. I wouldn't think it sleazy.

Forget the house and instead focus on spring cleaning each other. There is an amazing world of warmth and softness to discover. You will be asking yourself why it did not fall into place earlier.

Have a lovely time 🌈.

Thanks @StarlightLady The world of warmth and softness is the reason for me persevering for a few years. when I was only 'curious'.

Hi, The second date went well this weekend. She spent the night at my house, fine. We went out to a small gallery where a friend of hers is having an exhibition. I was introduced as 'my friend Sara' Fine. Many of the men and women were gay, she obviously knew some fairly well. One or two were extreme in their dress or how they spoke. It was as if they were performing.
It would be a big leap for me even to come out to my friends and family, I am certain I don't want to be part of that circle. I have not told her that yet, just been neutral
GF wants us to go away next weekend to a nice hotel she knows.

I shall have to think about how I can tell her I want to slow things down. Help!!

This does sound a bit like a 100 mph dash.

As for coming out, are you even sure whether you are lesbian, bi or just finding more about yourself? Some people prefer to be discreet about their sexuality as it is nothing to do with anyone else.

A weekend away might be lovely, but maybe not yet. Can you not be “busy” during March weekends and see how you feel next month 🌈.

@StarlightLady Thanks. Yes it is moving a bit fast. Need to pause this. I am sure about being bi, I had a few false starts over two or three years to get here.
I am happy meeting her friends, they all know her.
It will be a surprise for my mates and a shock for my family when I come out. That can be postponed.
It would be interesting to hear how others have navigated this after being straight.
As to next weekend, I want to know who we are meeting and if she has taken other conquests to the same hotel.

If you've known her for a while and this is your first date, it's no surprise that she's gone to some effort to make you feel comfortable, particularly if you already knew you were going back to hers. It's not like it's rose petals on the bed and candles all over the house, it's simply creating a nice environment for you both.

I (a woman) have dated both men and women, and without exception on first dates found that the women did expect me to "seduce them" in the sense of being more passive and wanting me to compliment them, kiss them first, get them drinks, like old fashioned chivalry type stuff almost. I am wary of even saying this in a way as it makes me sound like a sleazy sexual predator - I did very carefully check for full consent and enthusiasm throughout - there was always a feeling that it was my role almost to worship them? That's putting it way to strongly actually. Court them maybe.

It's one of the reasons I have more frequently ended up in relationships with men, even tho I find both men and women attractive in broadly equal numbers. I just don't like having to do all the work, it makes me feel weird. Nor do I expect to be courted in my turn - I very much hope I don't anyway. But some form of mutual moving it along is what I look for.....

So just possibly, especially if she was older and more experienced, your date felt you would expect this because of her previous experience with other women?

(I am of course not suggesting all women are like that by any means - I only dated a handful, and I often thought i just attracted a certain type ...)

Anyway, if you didn't fully like her vibe, I guess you have two choices - give her another chance being proactive about taking the lead more yourself (having her over to your house if you feel comfy with that for example) and see if that improves it and if not call time, - or decide right now not to pursue this one and just enjoy the positive memories of your first sexual experience with a woman, which as you both sound like you had fun, is a joyous thing!

You’re still casting her as a smooth seducer lovebombing you and possibly taking ‘conquests’ to the same places — why? where is that coming from?

More concerning to me is that you don’t feel able to tell her this is moving too fast for you, and you’re not ready to be out yet.

On the other hand, I don’t think you get to designate her friends as ‘extreme’ in their self-presentation or say they look as if they are ‘performing’. They’re presumably just comfortably out? You aren’t, and that’s fine, but if what you’re thinking is ‘I’m not comfortable around these people whose dress etc makes it very clear they’re gay, in case it inadvertently outs me to someone I know’, I think you need to have a conversation with the woman you’re seeing.

I think you don't need to analyse it for potential love bombing like you would a man. The truth is that by and large women just are typically and naturally more thoughtful and attentive - have you ever worked anywhere where a man in the office sorted out the Christmas decorations or coordinated/bought/wrapped a colleague's leaving gift? Ever been to a wedding where the groom has organised the invitations or coordinated the theme?

It's just what women do usually

Agreed- I wonder if this is OP wanting an excuse to leave? If her behaviour makes you uncomfortable just tell her you want to slow things down and get to know each other better.

@LadyIce2 , The simple first. I am not looking for a way out.
@Mementomorissons , Thanks for the point about a man sorting the Christmas Decorations, It made me smile and reassured me.
All
I think I was a bit surprised at the crowd I met on Saturday. I was expecting a small group. I shall explain to her just as soon as I see her, Wednesday. I shall also ask her about how she came out. I think she has been gay since teen so hot the same for me.

I should have used the word extrovert.

Just make sure you take it at your speed. I have been with both men and women, and find that same sex relationships can be intense quite quickly. As long as you are comfortable to tell her that’s it all too much too soon, you will be fine.

When I got with a woman after my divorce from a man (sexuality had nothing to do with it), I only told friends and family when I was sure it was a more long term thing. I don’t have a close relationship with my parents though so was fine with not telling them earlier. All worked out and we are married now.

To continue my story. I met the GF last night in a restaurant we talked and she explained that her work in the 'Arts' means she mixes with colourful extroverts as part of routine. Because I am not comfortable in that milieu we will meet on different occasions.
She wants to carry on and so do I. I want to feel her gentleness.
Advice and comments from the 2 who sent PMs were helpful and interesting.
This is a new world for me and I am going to like it.