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Still pining for my first love…

13 replies

ImnotadickheadIpromise · 28/02/2024 20:04

38 now. Spent ages 18 to 21 with the same person who I genuinely believe is the only one who ever really ‘got’ me. I had undiagnosed ASD at the time and had some serious mental health issues, not to mention me having a meltdown whenever I had a drink, and he was literally just… there… caring, kind, took it all in his stride and never judged me one bit.

Knew each other from school and college and then got together after he pinched my bum in a nightclub. Went to uni in the same city and in the holidays he pretty much lived in my family home due to his own relationship with his family.

I loved that boy, like literally loved and adored him. But due to my own upbringing it was the first real love I ever really felt and yet I still felt it wasn’t enough. He graduated the year before me and was in a dead end job with all these dreams that he wasn’t following, when I then graduated I felt I was too much worldly wise and I ended it as I felt there was more out there. How absolutely stupid I was.

I quickly realised I’d made a mistake and asked for him to reconsider but he’d already met the woman he then married. As far as I know they’re still married but last time I saw him accidentally (3 years?) they were having massive problems. He works in my town but has no social media and even the old friends who I still have don’t have any clue where his life is at now - after he met her he apparently had one last night out then disappeared entirely.

My Love life since has been a complete and total disaster. An awful abusive relationship for most of my 20s and the most recent serious one was a serial cheat. I wish I’d never ever broken up with my first love as I feel we’d have been settled all of these years. I know there’s no use pining but I just can’t get over him after all this time.

Thanks for reading this far, just needed to write it down I guess!

OP posts:
BedRot · 28/02/2024 20:09

I had a similar situation. University love that I still wasn’t over at age 38. We got back together and it didn’t work out for all the same reasons again. It was good that it helped me to move on but also sullied the previous happy memories as it ended on more of a sour note the second time. If I were you I would try to move on. Especially as he is married so there is nothing you can do anyway.

tryingtobenormalish · 28/02/2024 20:10

You were both kids really things happen in life but we move on.
You need to let this go.

frozendaisy · 28/02/2024 20:12

So he hasn't looked for you by the sounds of it OP, he probably could have "joined Facebook" to find you via mutual friends.

Yes he might have had a rough patch in his marriage but that might have been resolved and they are still together and happy.

Look forward not back.

Hatty65 · 28/02/2024 20:17

You have no idea who he is nowadays. You are looking back through rose tinted spectacles, but the person he is at 39 will be very different from the person he was at 21 or 22.

He's a stranger to you. There's no point picturing how life might have been because it may well have been completely not how you pictured it.

MassiveOvaryaction · 28/02/2024 21:47

He was Mr Right then (but only with the 20/20 vision of hindsight), chances are he's not Mr Right now.

Enjoy the memories but move on.

Fmlgirl · 28/02/2024 22:11

I agree with previous posters. I think you are in love with a fantasy. People change so so much particularly in their 20ies and 30ies. You don’t really know this man now. Thinking he is the one that got away won’t serve you any purpose in life. I have always believed that we can sometimes fall in love with multiple people in our lifetimes and just love them each differently.

EchoChamber · 28/02/2024 22:20

If you had met someone else and been happy it is unlikely you would feel like this now. You ended it because it wasn’t working at the time. It’s easy to only remember the good times in retrospect. I met my first love again after many years only to remember all the reasons it hadn’t worked. The rose tinted spectacles came off for good. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. You are different people now.

Zabriskie · 28/02/2024 22:27

Looking back into the past through rose-tinted glasses is not the best idea.

pinksheetss · 28/02/2024 22:49

When I'm feeling down in life, and particularly during the pandemic, I often revert back to thinking about an ex of mine I had a complete whirlwind romance with, like a movie style romance. However, I know it was never the right relationship and when I dig deep it's more the thought of the over the top romantic stuff I'm fantasising about, often comparing my life to movies which just isn't the case in real life

I think it's the idea of him you are thinking back on. How you felt back then and the 'what could have been' rather than the 'what it was'

QueenCamilla · 28/02/2024 22:56

All of my exes are nicer in memories than they ever were in real life.
Apart from the first one - he is a sweet, handsome child I remember (which between ages 17 to 20 he basically was). I don't long for boys now I'm 38...

Lumiodes · 28/02/2024 22:59

Honestly I think this is partly because you haven’t met anyone else, and partly because you feel guilty about having dumped him. It wasn’t working for you, you made the best decision you could at the time. Maybe the person you are now thinks it was the wrong decision, but you weren’t that person back then. Lord knows I’ve done some stupid things and I look back now and think why on earth did you do that you idiot?

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2024 23:00

I felt like this. Held a torch for my first love for years and years and years .. then we both became single and met up for a ‘date’ . I realised it was all just a fantasy and had all been in my head. We split up for a reason .. Washed him out my hair and we’re both happily married to other people! My advice - move on

Dery · 28/02/2024 23:14

“I agree with previous posters. I think you are in love with a fantasy. People change so so much particularly in their 20ies and 30ies. You don’t really know this man now. Thinking he is the one that got away won’t serve you any purpose in life. I have always believed that we can sometimes fall in love with multiple people in our lifetimes and just love them each differently.”

This.

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