Lost in a blur

[Mumofboys2423]

Looking for some support please!
My H and I have been together for 23 years, married for 13 and have 2 boys 12 & 9. I had a very traumatic childhood which has left me with a wrath of difficulties which have caused a huge strain on our relationship over the years. I have been actively seeing a psychologist for a long time and getting there but it has been a long process. My H has been brilliant and supported me but there has been lots of arguments and upset over the years mainly due to my poor communication and defensiveness - we’ve always just carried on and got through it but last week we had a very tough conversation where he said he cannot do it anymore. He is genuinely devastated but hasn’t got anything else to give and just wants us all to be happy which we are not. He is still at home while we process it all and figure out how to proceed. He will support us financially and emotionally etc but I am utterly crushed- we always just managed to work through things but no more - he says there is no future in our marriage. At the moment I’m in a haze of crying, hating him then begging him to try again. The boys do not know yet. I cannot imagine my life without him as my H and feel a world of guilt for allowing this to happen to my boys. My parents where divorced and I swore it wouldn’t happen to my kids. I just can’t put one foot in front of the other at the minute xx

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

It might not be what you want to hear but ultimately, maybe it's for the best. Life shouldn't be one big long exhausting argument. Kids shouldn't be I'm an environment where their parents are on some rollecoaster of ups and downs.

If he leaves, life will be calmer. At least in the long run. For everyone.

Good on you for seeing a therapist and working things through. Its good that it's helping you. Hopefully it'll be a crutch through this difficult process.

I understand the impulse is to fight to keep the marriage. But I would see back and ask yourself if actually, life would be easier for you and especially the kids, if you split.

It sounds like he's spent amd cannot pour from an empty cup. That's not your fault. He let it get to this point too. But it is what it is. You'd be best to try to find a way to respect his decision.

That is, I'm assuming, if he really means it. You're sure this isn't a behaviour from him to get you to tow the line? Some people do pull that shit.

Either way, I think unfortunately, it's time to call the marriage a day. Or at the very least, try separating for a bit and seeing how you both feel.

Also adding my voice that it is probably for the best.

It can't be a good environment for your kids to grow up with constant arguments and strained relationship. There are worse things than divorce - and endless arguments and tension in the house is certainly that.
Divorce may also give you a chance to actually focus on dealing with your issues. It is possible that you were relaying on your H, rather than actually dealing with it yourself.
And - finally - it is unfair to expect your partner to put their life on hold and stand by for 23 years waiting for you to deal with your issues, and expecting to prop you up. He needs to be happy too and have a fulfilling relationship.

Your kids will not be surprised, and quite possibly be relieved you are separating.
It is really for the best.

Divorce is far from the worst outcome for a relationship. Raising kids in a calmer atmosphere where the parents are in different homes is not a bad thing for any child.

I'm sorry you had a poor childhood and that divorce was part of that, but mine was because warring parents stayed together so there's no right answer.

This may not be relevant to you.

I thought I was the difficult one in the marriage. Depressed, anxious, emotionally unstable. I was also very unhappy with my marriage, my husband always saying he’d done nothing wrong and I’m too sensitive and over react to things. Although he would also get very angry with me for what seemed trivial reasons.

I went to see a therapist, a well qualified and experienced therapist. Long story short, I was unhappy because I was in an emotionally abusive marriage.

As I said, it may not be relevant to you.

Add to my previous post.

I also had an abusive childhood. It made me more vulnerable to abuse as an adult, and also meant I didn’t recognise it as abuse in my marriage.

thank you for your wise words x