Depression after separating from DH - what helped?

[Hairyhatman24]

I separated from DH this year (mutual in the end though he was the instigator) after years of trying to make it work. I thought I was doing ok at first but now I think I’m depressed. I’m sleeping badly, crying all the time, can’t work (I am freelance), have no motivation etc. I can keep going for the kids but that’s about it. We are 50/50 with our primary aged daughters but ‘nesting’ which is a nightmare and maybe a whole other thread. I just feel like I don’t know if I’m going to get through this.
Has anyone else been through this? What helped?

I guess part of the problem is that I know exercise would help, for example, but I feel too depressed to do any. Family and friends try to help but the miserable feeling keeps coming back. I thought I’d feel relieved (I did at first) but I just feel stuck and despairing - maybe because of the nesting arrangement?

Anyone?

Hi OP!

Another nester here. We've been doing it for a while now. The kids do seem happier in the same home, so we'll done for trying to give it a go.

Loss from divorce is so f*ing tough but it won't kill you and it won't last forever.

You know all the things that will help, its just really hard to move your emotions are quick as you'd like. Accept that and give yourself grace.

Thinking about what I was grateful for was the only thing I could do in the short term. It gave me some temporary relief in the darker, first days. It would be something as simple as....my washing machine lol, the sunrise, breathing. Honestly, that's how low the bar was.

I bet you are doing a great job xx

I think you might be grieving for the loss of your marriage even though it’s probably for best to split.

see your gp if getting too much.

I broke up with my ex last year and have been through plenty of ups and downs since then. I find it hard because we have the kids 50/50 and while we aren't together anymore, our lives are still interwoven and so much of what we can do it dictated by what the other is doing etc. It's not a clean break.

I wonder if nesting is making it harder for you too. I found it hard staying in the family home and had to put boundaries in place about him coming in etc. I had to redecorate and make it my own space. I think that you need your own space to put your own routine in etc. Nesting might be better for the kids but not the parents.

What happens when you want to start dating etc? I've only just started dating again and so happy to have my own space to do that!

@Newthings that’s so helpful thank you 🙏🏼 Are you finding nesting ok now? And what you say is exactly right, about moving emotions - and about being grateful. Honestly, that has really helped me.

@Hoosemover yes I think it’s grief. It’s hard because STBEXH doesn’t seem to be grieving at all. I keep having the impulse to ask him for us to try again but that feels like it would be masochistic as I’m pretty certain he would say no. Also, as you say, it’s probably for the best that we split, though I don’t always feel that way.

@Superawkward yes I think the nesting definitely doesn’t help, I don’t feel I have my own space at all . When I’m upset about the split it feels like it’s all about the nesting, which it’s not, but I think it would be easier if I had my own space. I never wanted to do nesting really but it has been good for the kids and it is temporary for us. Our lives are very, very interwoven in this arrangement. Dating not on the cards but it wouldn’t work in this arrangement really. Glad you have your own space, I can’t wait for that!

I went through depression when my marriage broke up. My GP referred me to a therapist for talking therapy and prescribed anti-depressants. I think the therapy is what did the trick - just having someone completely neutral to talk things through with really helped me get through it.

I kept busy. It was spring so I redecorated. Cheerful happy colours my ex would have hated. Nesting would make that difficult I know. I cooked food that I love but he didn't, fish, seafood, veggie etc. I played music loudly and danced in the kitchen with my ds.

I invited family round, sat and gossiped and ate cake.

I hope you feel better soon. x

I split up with my husband nearly 10 years ago and what helped me was going out a lot and trying new hobbies when I didn’t have the children, I also threw myself into work and got a part time bar job on the weekends I didn’t have the kids so that I was still out and about and keeping busy to take my mind off everything - worked for me - might not work for others!

Thanks all - I think a lot of what seems to help people is having their own space and time to heal. This has proved elusive for me so far - when I’m not at home with DDs I’m in a shared house where I don’t have my own space per se. And the family house is shared with STBEX, his clothes are everywhere etc. But maybe I can find space in different ways.

@LurkerTurnedPoster yes I may have to go to the GP. I’m feeling a bit better since posting but the lows are very, very low, I worried myself this morning.

I haven’t been through a divorce but I do get depressed. Learning from my previous bouts, this time having no expectations on myself is really helping. I don’t feel like running, so I won’t but I will try to walk the long way home to get some fresh air. I don’t want to cook healthy food, so I won’t but i will still try to eat fruit and veg and protein today. I don’t want to dress in proper clothes or wear make up so I won’t, but I will brush my teeth and hair and wear clean clothes.

i don’t expect myself to feel better, I’m not looking for the answer, I know I WILL feel better but I don’t get to dictate when. In the meantime I give myself compassion and time.

Hi OP

I am nearly a year into separation and have had very dark days too. What helped me in those times was just getting through the next 15 mins, or next hour and not thinking beyond that. Everyone is different, as you will see from these replies but what has helped me is:

1. Spending as much time with really good, close friends as I can, and being vulnerable about how I am feeling
2. When not at work or with kids, doing nothing - cocooning myself away, watching TV, napping, feeling sad, letting all expectations go
3. Reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts etc about women who have been through the same thing, to remember I am not alone
4. Weekly low cost counselling - a lifesaver for me
5. Having as little contact with ex as possible
6. Acceptance that this is not life as normal and it is going to feel very hard for at least a couple of years
7. Saying no to any social obligation I don't want to go to, especially with other couples/families as just makes me feel sad
8. Late nights are the worst times for me - so trying to get to bed not too late, or realising that if I stay up late to ignore all the irrational thoughts
9. Acknowledging all the wins from every day, no matter how small.
10. Just giving myself time to grieve and cry whenever the feelings hit, not trying to suppress them (and also good for kids to see that they can express feelings too)

It is such a hard time, but I can see progress from where I was last year. You can do it. X

@Hairyhatman24 we decided to nest as we had no other option. And still currently have no other option due to exH's personal circumstances. So I suppose, because there's no other way to do it, I can't let myself try and work out a new plan for now. We we first separated, the kids would go and stay where he was staying and I found that really, really tough. So because I have that experience, it helps me see that sometimes, even if some problems went away ( eg, still ahaying space with ex) , there would be other problems.

Everyone's circumstances are different. I understand how tough it is, not getting full space, not getting a personal space to help you process. Feeling stuck and not able to move on because of the home set up. We are still learning. I really knew it was over with exh. I believe he may still struggle with the decision ( I pick up a lot of resentment in his conversations with me still). The fact you chose to do this temporarily, says how much the kids' feelings mean to you.

Have you and your ex talked about when and how you will move on next? Are two fully separate households something you can consider?

Keep talking here. I also had some free counselling through talking therapies and also paid for my own through Anxious Minds as they weren't too expensive. Helped take the edge off.

Thank you so much for the replies, they are really helping. I think the initial relief from the marital misery was so strong that I thought I’d be happier post split (laughs bitterly)!

Little did I know about these waves of grief, but they are to be expected I can see that. I find it helpful to think that this is just the way it is for now - then if I feel better it’s a bonus. But I need to be able to function for the DC (not a problem so far) and for work (more of a problem).

@Newthings the plan is eventually for us to have separate living spaces, yes. I find nesting makes it very painful but as you say it would be painful whatever the circumstances. It’s good you are resigned to things - I wish I could be. I think I know it’s over but don’t want it to be, if that makes sense…

@Hairyhatman24 that sounds really tough. These cycles of grief are really 'normal' and part of a horrible process. We've been nesting for 2 years after a month of separate living! Its only recently that I've felt a level of acceptance with things. It's been up and down before that. When you are wanting out of a relationship, you think of all the reasons why it's the best thing. Then there is a void and I can understand what it must feel like, I've been there. It may also be denial raising its ugly head for you? It does make you felt stuck and held by nesting. Be really kind to yourself, watch the self talk and tell any negative talk/ self critical talk to piss right off! You are putting on foot in front of the other every day, you are looking after your kids and managing work. You won't always feel the way you do :)

Sorry OP, I can empathize with how sad you feel. I think it's not linear, sometimes you may feel stronger than others.
Before my divorce I never felt as hopelessly sad as I did at that time. My friends intervened and gently suggested that I went to my GP, I took anti depressants until I was able to get the energy I needed to get myself better. Could I gently suggest that you see your GP too ? With love.

Nesting would have finished me off OP, you have my heartfelt sympathies. Honestly, it would totally have done me in. I know it's good for the children, but that's only if it's doable for you. It's not good for the children if you're in a heap on the floor. I hope you find a way forward that works for you soon.

I’m sleeping badly, crying all the time, can’t work (I am freelance), have no motivation etc.
I'm not sure how old you are but early 40s I fell down a very similar hole quite sharply and it turned out to be perimenopause. Just in case that's not crossed your mind, it could be two storms colliding and compounding everything.

Oh these replies are so kind, thank you. They are making me cry (in a good way). I am seeing a therapist tomorrow, and I will consider seeing the Gp too. I am very scared of antidepressants (not judgemental about them at all just hate taking medicines) but it may come to that. Thank you @Livelifelaughter for being so kind.

@Newthings there is definitely an element of denial, I seem to mainly be thinking of DH when we met and were in love, rather than the years of hell we’ve been through more recently.

@Seas164 yes I do feel like the nesting could finish me off too! And I know I can’t let it, for the DC’s sake. I noticed our wedding pictures had been put away the other day when I wasn’t there and it just broke me. I need my own space very badly.

And that’s a good point about hormones - I am late thirties but very sensitive to PMT etc. I will bear that in mind, thank you. 🙏🏼