Does a narcissist parent tend to treat their children differently?

[WorriedIama]

I only ask as my brother seems to have got off better (or so it seems) He left at 18 for uni, met his wife to be, brought house and has a high paying job.

Me I ended up in an abusive marriage and people pleased my mum until a few years back when I realised what I was doing. Me and my brother aren’t that close. He is of the believe I made my bed so I must lie in it. I felt I was drowning in trying to please everyone. I left my marriage and no one was there to support me. I’m annoyed he barely contacts our parents and I’m left to sort it all out.

I'm not sure about that but I do believe that narcissistic people are more likely to permanently damage or harm some people than others because of the intrinsic personality traits of those people. So for example, if I was to meet a narcissist while I was single, I would never have clocked he was a narcissist, but the relationship wouldn't have gone anywhere as the behaviours a narcissist uses (probably unconsciously) to identify a potential victim would have made someone like me break up with them immediately.

A good example is the suicide threat thing - I believe a lot of narcissists use suicide as a blackmailing/threatening technique. For some people, when a loved one threatens suicide, they immediately feel responsible and it effectively stops them from prioritising their own wants or needs. For others, it makes them angry because they immediately see it as a way to attempt control/not have to take responsibility.

It's entirely possible that for whatever reason, your brother has always been able to identify behaviours that were not okay, and walk away.

You say now that he doesn't help with your parents. Arguably, that is actually the healthier way to be with parents who were abusive. why do you still feel responsible?

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right in that I did not see the signs at all. Then when he started I went full swing into trying to please and fawn my way through.

I just can’t bare the thought of my mum sat alone all day. I know she suffered terrible trauma as a child so I understand why she is the way she is (I don’t condone it). He is ignoring me also, I haven’t done anything but I get left will everything to deal with. It’s much worse since our dad died. I promised him I would care for her. It’s easy for him as he moved 100’s away whereas I’m literally around the corner.

@JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls oh and when I left him he did the suicide threat, but at that point I’d had enough so he quickly returned to sending me abusive msgs telling me what a looser I was etc etc.

I just can’t bare the thought of my mum sat alone all day. I know she suffered terrible trauma as a child so I understand why she is the way she is (I don’t condone it).

Exactly, you are clearly deeply empathetic. Unfortunately, empathetic people take on the narcissist's issues and trauma and it becomes an excuse for their behaviour. It's hard. I sympathise, but at the end of the day, your brother is probably doing what he needs to do to protect himself.

He was lucky, he got a lot more freedom and was treated a lot better than I was. I get the impression he feels better than me and our family.

he got a lot more freedom and was treated a lot better than I was

Possibly. Particularly as there's often gender dynamics at play.

it's also possible that he just "took" better treatment and freedom and instinctively didn't feel the need to please your parents.

Perhaps he just wasn’t as sensitive as me. He is a maths man and very logical and his wife is the same.

@WorriedIama I think the golden child / scapegoat dynamic is very common with children of narcissists. Maybe have a google and see if that strikes a chord with you.

Echoing pp, golden child vs scapegoat child. The later is raised to feel they can do nothing right.

Also, your brother being a guy and you being a girl could cause the difference. He was raised seeing men mistreat women. You were raised seeing women being mistreated and staying. The gender role model was different for you as your role model was the women, staying and being abused.

So let me get this right…

your mother is a narcissist and you also married a narcissist?

but you brother is ok, but detached?

firstly, I’d say you need to give yourself a break. It is not possible for you as a child to spot that your mother was a narcissist and respond accordingly. If the person who is supposed to teach you how to interact with the world is a narcissist, it’s going to be pretty difficult to learn boundaries.

i think you need to congratulate yourself for working this all out. Now you can move on from it and learn how to act differently.

you say you are a people pleaser? Well take practical steps to change that. Don’t be at your mum’s beck and call. If she is rude to you- walk out. Limit your time with her and focus on yourself. Put yourself first.