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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried for SIL and family...

4 replies

minko · 25/03/2008 10:52

Just spent a miserable Easter staying with DP's brother and family. They always make a huge effort when we stay, but somehow the chemistry of having his family around and trying to impress makes BIL go a bit weird.

He started a huge argument with SIL over absolutely nothing on Saturday night. He shouted that they should go upstairs, so they could 'sort it out'. Their 2 poor children looked terrified and started crying and there was much shouting and yelling. SIL saying he shouldn't threaten violence. Him saying she was an embarrassment and a disgrace. Then it all calmed down and things just sort of went back to normal (though obviously v. tense and awkward). There were no apologies. SIL told kids that mummies and daddies sometimes argued and not to worry. But BIL did not apologise or explain or anything, just carried on as normal.

It was awful. And I'm so worried for their kids. The younger one (3) looked so miserable a lot of the time. SIL claims he's only bad when his family are around. But she shouldn't tolerate him treating her like that EVER! I don't know what to do or say. DP is worried but doesn't want to get involved. This is not the first time this has happened. Personally I think they need to split up but DP says they couldn't afford to. There doesn't seem to be much love left between them, but who knows...? At the very least BIL needs anger management.

So what should I do... I feel I should say something to SIL but what...???

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 25/03/2008 11:12

you sound nice, just be there for her if she wants help or support - would it be possible for your dp to speak to his brother on their own?, maybe point out that you are all part of the same family and that you are both worried about them?, not confrontational, just a chat in the pub over a beer sort of thing?

minko · 25/03/2008 11:16

Thanks. They live at the other end of the country unfortunately so it's hard to judge if this is normal behaviour or not... (it has been the norm when we've been to visit recently though). It also make sit hard to offer any real support.

OP posts:
mampam · 25/03/2008 11:18

I think that to some extent your dp is right not to want to get involved because they won't thank you for it. However it wouldn't hurt for you to let SIL know that if she ever wants to talk or needs a shoulder to cry/lean on then you'll be there for her.

Perhaps your DP could broach BIL in a kind of non involved way by saying something like "what goes on between you and SIL is none of my business but you really shouldn't be arguing like that in front of your dc's". Who knows maybe BIL might open up a bit too.

edam · 25/03/2008 11:21

Agree all you can/should do is make it clear to SIL you are there for a bit of phone support should she need it.

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