I’ll try to give the full story to avoid drip feeding later.
Ive been with my partner since summer last year, things progressed very quickly and within 5 weeks we had booked to go travelling for 4 months together. We lived around 4.5hours drive from one another, but he stayed at mine for probably 70% of the time between when we met and when we left to go travelling. So I feel we had a deeper relationship than most who have only been together for such a short period. Although I may have my rose tinted spectacles on.
We left the Uk around a month ago. Things have been so difficult since we left. I feel so lonely and isolated, granted the time difference isn’t helping as I can’t speak to friends and family as easily. He is also falling asleep between 8pm and 10pm most evenings which is leaving me feeling undesirable.
I have had a conversation with him about this and he did acknowledge how I felt and to be fair has stayed up a little later a few times, but only if we’re out having dinner / drinks / chatting with other people etc.
He broke up with his ex in March of last year and has always said that he would like to maintain a friendship with her because they worked for the same company and have friends in common. I totally get that. The issue we seem to have is that my opinion of how that relationship would look is completely different to how he envisioned their relationship.
I was of the opinion that, that meant being amicable and cordial, and that things wouldn’t be awkward should they find themselves at the same event or a group gathering. However I have learnt today he expected more. He wants to maintain a friendship on a one to one level, texting privately with each other.
The reasons I find this hard to swallow are
I was so unhappy on the island we previously visited and had booked to stay for 6 nights, and the only day trip I was interested in doing was a tour to see that country’s national animal and the only element of the tour I was okay with doing was feeding the animal, I did not want to touch the animal or have someone force the animal to ‘pose’ so that I could get an instagram worthy picture. Neither of us have seen this animal apart from in a zoo so I was excited to be able to share an experience together for the first time.
He went out by himself the day before we had booked the tour, and randomly saw that animal whilst driving around. He chose to pay to feed the animal pose for pictures etc. I said that was really selfish as that was the only thing I was genuinely excited about. After a blazing row he agreed and said he was caught in the moment and apologised.
Cue the next day, I decided I wasn’t ready to go on the animal tour as part of the excitement for me was having a shared first experience together, he went ahead and I was fine with that.
A few days pass and we’ve had some minor disagreements, and some great days, however it’s hard to escape the betrayal I felt when he was so thoughtless and chose to experience those things alone by chance.
I’ll start this paragraph, by saying I have never nor would I want to go through anyone’s phone especially a partner as I believe the relationship is basically over at that point as the trust has gone. However multiple occasions when he has gone to show me something on his phone, WhatsApp has been the last app used therefore I’ve been able to briefly see the most recent chats. His ex has been towards the top frequently. I questioned this and his said that ‘her favourite animal is -national animal- so he sent her some pics’ I think this is abnormal especially how I explained how I wanted to share this experience with him and he basically went ahead and did it alone and sent the pictures to his ex. Not just pictures of the animals but selfies he had taken of himself and the animal.
He said I was over reacting, however how much it hurt me the follow day, but the apology was ‘I’m sorry it made you feel etc’ not an actual apology as he just can’t understand why I find that disrespectful.
Anyways we book another trip for today, we’re on the bus to the trip and he goes to show me something on his phone. The exs name appears at the top of his WhatsApp’s chat (2nd chat from the top). I ask why he’s still messaging her and he replies that he was basically saying to her that his relationship with his manager is over. (Please understand he left his role and the business to go travelling).
He then tells me that he’s ’only messaged her 4 times in the last four weeks’ which to me seems excessive. I would understand if they shared children in common or a business, but they don’t. He also went to see her in autumn, which made me feel uneasy at the time but I had no reason to feel this insecure at the time.
He accidentally told her about me, and she said that she needed space to process. He respected this although when he was telling me it came across like he was upset. I didn’t know that her stance had changed so to see her name multiple times at the top of his chat histories had made me feel uneasy. I feel like he is trying to pursue something and I’m not sure why. He’s still using her family apple storage, her online login for multiple streaming platforms and even wanted to let her use his sofa while he was away. (He rented his flat out and it was an expensive sofa he was apprehensive about leaving in his flat in case it got damaged - she was also in the process of moving so did need a sofa) which I didn’t think anything of at the time and was fully supportive. However she didn’t want it and he ended up leaving it fully furnished when he rented his flat out.
I just don’t know how to proceed, we have polarising opinions on how to maintain a friendship with an ex.
Can we salvage anything? Is there anything to salvage?