Dad to be not interested

[Insecuremum2B]

I really need some advice.

I am 8 months PG and am with the baby's father.

At first, he seems quite pleased (but shocked) about the baby, but as time goes on, he's less and less interested.

He won't come to any of the AN appointments with me, and hasn't shown any interest in preparing for the baby. He doesn't talk about the birth, but i don't think he wants to be there.

I moved into his house and he won't consider making any space for the baby stuff. Just tells me I don't need to worry about it yet.

He already has kids from previous relationships and all he's bothered about is doing stuff with them. I've tried to talk to him about loads of stuff, but he just says he doesn't see the point of doing anything with a baby (doesn't want me and the baby to go on holiday with him and the other kids) and calls them rugrats or brats.

I dont have family or friends I can talk to. Is this normal? Do dads normally want to take more of an interest?

I don't have any experiece of your specific circumstances, so am really just bumping this for you.

For you, as this is your first, obviously you feel that the world shoud be revolving around this baby. As he has other children and has been there before, it's not such a monumental event for him. Doesn't make it right and he should be supporting you and understanding how you feel, but you can never have your first baby again.

I didn't start preparing for my 2nd until 4 weeks before he was due and he was 3 weeks early! but what needed doing got done.

I think lots of men find it difficult to be involved with a tiny baby, but enjoy them when they're toddlers and older. Perhaps this is how he has felt in the past?

Thanks Maybe I am being over sensitive about it all. I'm not sure how he was with his other kids when they were small but I do know that he did lots for the mother and never expected her to work or do too much.

But he doesn't seem to want to do anything for me and gets short tempered if it doesn't seem like I can do everything myself. I'm expected to look after the house and his other kids and do all the other jobs because I work less hours than him and he earns more money but he's also said that he wants me to pay my part of the rent even when i'm not working at all, even though i don't get any say in the house.

He's also said he doesn't want to take any time off when the baby is born because he can't see the point and he doesn't want me to come on summer holidays because he doesn't think it will be relaxing for him and his other kids with 'the brat' there. He's also said this when I tried to say maybe we could all go away for christmas instead.

I know babies aren't all that and are hard work but i feel like i'm on my own when it comes to my baby, but i'm supposed to help out with his other kids whenever he says...

Right. To start with, you have to take time off after the baby is born, you are not legally allowed to work for 2 weeks afterwards. I'd be concerned, esp as you say you are expected to pay rent - ??? Is your name on the mortgage?

I'm going to stop work. I get SMP at 90% of my salary for 10 weeks, so I'll get those weeks off. I want him to take 2-5 weeks off too, which is what he doesn't want to do cos he wants to save his holidays to go away without the baby.

He wants me to continue paying my share of the rent. No my name is not on the mortgage.

he does not want to include you and teh new baby with family holidays? that says a lot.. ok, the baby stage can be boring and he might feel 'been there, done that', but you have not, so he should try for your sake at least to be excited

although i think for me, serious alarm bells would be ringing

He'll get 2 weeks paternity leave anyway on top of his annual leave - so you can encourage him to take that. I think you need to talk to him about formaling your relationship - if you are sharing a house and contributing to the mortgage, that should be reflected in case you do split up (not saying that you will, but you have NO rights as a cohabiting partner so be aware of that).

formalising

you need to be sure that a) he wants to have this baby with you and b) he wants to look after the both of you long-term. If you don't have that assurance, you need to do whatever you can to look after yourself and your baby. Do you have family nearby who could help?

Lulu thanks. I needed to hear that. I've been driving myself mad thinking that maybe it's me and i'm expecting too much. i'm trying not to get stressed about it.

Effie i don't think he wants this baby and i don't think he wants to look after me either. i don't think he wants us to split, he just doesn't want more burdens and that's how he sees the baby and me not working. hes already saying it's my baby not our baby and he wont go to the classes or appointments either. i don't have any close family.

. I think you need to have a talk with someone about this situation - maybe the CAB? He may surpirse you and improve after the baby has arrived, but you need to think about yourself right now.

that is really sad. was the baby unplanned?

can you get some support for the birth? a friend, sister, mother, or a doula?

you need to know there is someone there you can rely on

it is too late for him to decide now he does not want a baby, it is not an option to pretend it is nothing to do with him

yes, baby was unplanned. he was OK with it at first even a bit excited. It is too late now. The baby will be here in 4 weeks.

But the more I try to get bits for the baby the more he wants to hang on to his lifestyle. I just wish he was more excited and involved.

am really sorry, and i don;t thikn there is an easy answer, wrong time for an ultimatum, but if he does not support you at the birth, or in teh early weeks, i would think carefully about continuing any sort of relationship with him

this is harsh but it sounds to me like you would be better off on your own. you dont need to be worrying about him or his other children just now