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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH Unhappy?

15 replies

Uplateatnighty4444 · 28/02/2024 00:26

DH (49) just seems to be really short tempered and unhappy. He's really unhappy in his job due to a toxic culture (but can't move out of it). He always seems really tired and most recently is in a lot of muscular pain (he's just started exercising again-joined a running club etc). Have talked to him so much about everything that seems to be an issue and made lots of suggestions to try and help and support, but he won't seem to act on anything to help. I just notice unhappiness and certain differences in him, like when we eat a meal together, all he wants to do is eat and clear up as fast as he can, even if I'm still eating. Other times, he seems glued to his phone, and when I try and talk to him, say after a 12 hour day in work, he just ignores me, so I end up waking away, and he doesn't seem bothered. There's other examples where he'll puzzle over why a room that he uses in the house is so dirty and come up with random reasons for it being the way it is, yet it hasn't been cleaned for months on end, but he won't acknowledge that that is the problem. He just got really angry because my phone vibrated twice by the side of the bed. Had a full on cold the other week and just noticed he wasnt as thoughtful as normal. Random examples i know, but it just all seems a bit different at the moment. I am pregnant with our first child, so I thought he would be happier than he seems - am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
Mangotango39 · 28/02/2024 00:30

Wow. I just read right at the end you're pregnant. This sounds tough.

Have you asked to speak to him about his behaviour and the way he treats you? First step would be this conversation asap.

You need to be a strong team when the baby arrives.

ViciousCurrentBun · 28/02/2024 00:37

Some men change for the worse even when a baby is planned. Does he have any other children as he is 49?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/02/2024 00:40

I imagine being in a job he hates is contributing to most of this.
You say he can't change job - why not?

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 28/02/2024 00:43

It doesn't sound like you're being oversensitive. The behaviour you reference isn't pleasant to experience at the best of times, let alone when pregnant and you need extra TLC.

Might sound odd, but we have had so little sunshine in the UK (if that's where you're from) in the last 12 months and it could be that suffering from lack of serotonin is playing a factor in his moodiness. You might want to try to get him to take really good quality Vitamin D tablets (though not if you take other supplements containing Vitamin D) to help him improve his mood. Both DH and I had similar issues and it's made a big difference to us.

It sounds like you recognise you DH is struggling mentally with work and that may be impacting his behaviour when with you. Add the pending arrival of your child may also be a contributing pressure which altogether can be a lot when someone isn't in a good place. It sounds like talking to someone whether that's through counselling or EAP through work would be a good idea.

Hopefully the exercise routine will help to boost endorphins too and also help his mood. Cutting out alcohol and sugar/processed foods should help too if that's something he can get on top of. He needs to get on top of it though because you and the baby will need him to be on good form so that he can equal parent with you and share the load.

Wishing you the best with this 💐

Catoo · 28/02/2024 00:53

I’m sorry OP, this should be a happy time for you, not a worrying one.

Is it at all possible he’s seeing someone else? Being irritated with small things you do, ignoring you, not wanting to sit and eat with you, glued to phone, and taking up more exercise all point to this. I hope I’m wrong.

Is he definitely going to a running club? How many times a week?

Why can’t he look for another job? Is he feeling trapped in the job by the prospect of being a parent and needing to support your family?

💐

DancefloorAcrobatics · 28/02/2024 01:09

You just described my DH during the winter months!
Mine has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
Things that help is vit D tablets / injections, a light box, taking walks during daylight hours (weekend)...

I would say natural daylight.is the best medicine! But it's sometimes difficult to achieve with long working hours and wet, rainy days.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 03:35

I think you think very hard about what you want.
you sit him down and say you seem unhappy and you are grumpy and constantly critical. I have tried and tried to help but it’s clear you don’t want my help. I can’t help wondering if it’s related to my being pregnant and you regret this. Irrespective of that, I need to support my own health for the pregnancy, I’m not getting much support from you. And I don’t want our baby to have a grumpy miserable critical dad. Would you like to think about all this and we talk ina week?

think very seriously about staying somewhere esle for a week to focus his mind on something needs to change and it’s his job to make it change.

Olika · 28/02/2024 04:05

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 03:35

I think you think very hard about what you want.
you sit him down and say you seem unhappy and you are grumpy and constantly critical. I have tried and tried to help but it’s clear you don’t want my help. I can’t help wondering if it’s related to my being pregnant and you regret this. Irrespective of that, I need to support my own health for the pregnancy, I’m not getting much support from you. And I don’t want our baby to have a grumpy miserable critical dad. Would you like to think about all this and we talk ina week?

think very seriously about staying somewhere esle for a week to focus his mind on something needs to change and it’s his job to make it change.

This

fluffycatkins · 28/02/2024 04:11

Do you think it is linked to your pregnancy. I am his age and the thought of a having a baby at this age fills me with dread. He may be freaking out slightly.

Which doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you.
You need to be clear that his attitude towards you needs to improve.

He should also think about how to get into a position to change his job if it is a toxic environment that is contributing to this. Even if he can't change it now.

amylou8 · 28/02/2024 04:19

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 03:35

I think you think very hard about what you want.
you sit him down and say you seem unhappy and you are grumpy and constantly critical. I have tried and tried to help but it’s clear you don’t want my help. I can’t help wondering if it’s related to my being pregnant and you regret this. Irrespective of that, I need to support my own health for the pregnancy, I’m not getting much support from you. And I don’t want our baby to have a grumpy miserable critical dad. Would you like to think about all this and we talk ina week?

think very seriously about staying somewhere esle for a week to focus his mind on something needs to change and it’s his job to make it change.

This!

His behaviour is text book affair. It could be a million other things too, and I really hope it is, but I'd want to have my whits about me just in case. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this at what should be a happy and exciting time.

user1492757084 · 28/02/2024 04:34

Could he be working too long?
Twelve hour days would make anyone exhausted.
At age 49 and having your first child has got to be spooking him to death - with perhaps some his friends planning retirement.
He needs a medical checkup and to learn to be mindful or meditative for parts of every day.
You need to both coddle each other more. You are pregnant but he is also expecting a crying change.

Suchagroovyguy · 28/02/2024 13:28

Hmm. I’m very cynical, so let me preface with that.

You’re pregnant. He’s being really disrespectful and unpleasant to you. These things are not coincidences.

He’s taken up running.

He’s glued to his phone.

He didn’t care for his pregnant partner when she was sick.

He’s 49. I’m guessing you’re a fair bit younger.

I’d say he’s detaching as his eye has wandered towards freedom from you and the baby. And likely, another woman.

Aikko · 28/02/2024 16:41

Suchagroovyguy · 28/02/2024 13:28

Hmm. I’m very cynical, so let me preface with that.

You’re pregnant. He’s being really disrespectful and unpleasant to you. These things are not coincidences.

He’s taken up running.

He’s glued to his phone.

He didn’t care for his pregnant partner when she was sick.

He’s 49. I’m guessing you’re a fair bit younger.

I’d say he’s detaching as his eye has wandered towards freedom from you and the baby. And likely, another woman.

^This.

When all added together, these are not good signs.

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2024 17:13

Sounds like cheating to me too. At keast that was my first instinct. And my second.

All else assidd though...he sounds like a total shit. I'd be getting out before the baby was born because it'll potentially be too knackering to leave for a few years afterwards.

You really want to spend your life with this bastard? Let alone with a kid. YOU'LL be miserable. Cut your losses and run for the hills.

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2024 17:20

Ps: women are not rehab for damaged men.
Repeat that to yourself!

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