Emotional abuse - scared to loose the kids if I leave

[Milstree]

My husband and I have been together 16 years and married about 9. Since the very beginning he has had severe anger issues which have calmed over the years but were very intense and stressful. I was young, naive and in love... rose tinted glasses and all that.

Fast forward to now, we have two young children under 7, a dog, a house, and a pretty stressful life. I've done 95% (or more) of the childcare since the eldest was born (along with 99% of every other household chore and dog walk). I've worked self employed (mainly in the evenings) and contributed what I could financially. He always told me don't think I'm looking after the kids if you get a job, YOU will have to pay for their childcare, therefore making it not feasible to work. He did the equivalent of 11 hrs a week on average last year, we live on the bread line because he doesn't like what he does so doesn't bother to work much (despite earning in excess of £25 an hr) - and does nothing at home...

He puts me down, makes me feel useless, swears at me, calls me names, I'm constantly feeling run down and ill and like I'm living on eggshells around him. I deal with it, I know its him and not me but its very upsetting. I recently shared the extent of this with my sister who is now really concerned.

My problem is, he puts down one of our children all of the time. They do the smallest of things and he flips, calling them stupid child, telling them he's taking everything away from them and they need to find another family to live with and how he's going to go to work more so he can afford to send them away to boarding school. It is absolutely breaking my heart. This is all a reaction from something as simple as spilling a drink. I'm terrified they will grow up with all sorts of mental health problems because of this.

I have considered leaving but am terrified he will get shared custody and then they are still exposed to it and I get to see them less. I have been saving abusive messages he sends me and recording aggressive conversations he has with our child but I'm scared that's not enough and he'll manage a way to still have them. He's not a complete monster and obviously they love him. I also don't want them to grow up without a dad but I'm unsure if change is possible.

Has anyone been in this situation and left? I can't even bear the thought of losing them 50% of the time, knowing they will be with him, to the point I'm willing to live with an abuser but I know its not okay for them to be exposed to it and I just want them kept safe. Stupid i know...

Is there anywhere i can get free advice?

Sorry to hear about your situation, you can make a referral to the NCDV, who are amazing and will help you apply and write a witness statement to get a non-molestation order and an occupation if you need it.
You can have your children included in the non-mol order too.

Also I was told when doing the same thing, to get as much evidence as possible.
You don’t need any evidence for the initial non-mol just your witness statement but you need to have evidence to get it extended.
Also, the police (they are slow) but they have been really helpful

Thanks for your reply, is this a thing still when its emotional abuse? I'm terrified to do anything as I think if he finds out about anything he'll do everything possible to take the kids because he knows that's what I care about most. Do you have any idea how custody works in cases like this?

As tough as it is, at the moment even with you there he is abusing the kids, so if you leave, you and the kids will have at least 50% of life with no abuse! That’s better than 100 % of abuse randomly.

he may not actually want the day to day drudgery of children (meals, packed lunch, bedtimes, beds! Clothes, school, homework etc)

staying isn’t keeping them Safe, leaving him will.

please seek advice from womens aid or other support agencies. Staying will not be good for anyone and you already have work to unpick such nasty messages being given and internalised. 💪

leaving is the start of new challenges but shows you and the kids that it’s not ok to treat you all so badly.

Yes, it’s still a thing if it’s emotional abuse.
My ex was emotionally abusive aswell as being an alcoholic. Try to make sure you have as much evidence as possible, I recorded as much as possible and later found out my dd did too but we have never had to use any of it.

The non mol can stop him having any contact with you, my non mol includes that he can only contact me via email and only in regards to contact with children.

I didn’t find Womens aid particularly helpful to be honest.

In regards to custody, I don’t know. My ex didn’t really want to see our dd for 6 months he’s now turned into super dad but I only allow access because he lives with his parents and I know that he won’t be drinking there.
I hope that it is of some help, I took me about 6 years to actually leave and it’s been hard but I am so glad I did.

Your children might be too young, I don’t know how old they are but they can also have a say in whether they want to see the other parent or not

I left a narcissist.. Shared dc but in reality I had to beg for my time every week.. In time the dc did see the real him and 2 left him. 1 sadly had been too brain washed. I regained my mh and physical health. I also rebuilt good relationships with those 2 dc. Hard slog those years. Glad I did or I believe I would have actually killed one of us. Remarried now with further dc and life is good. Even better exh died a year ago. The weight lifted at last.
Do you honestly think yuri dh will bother with the dc for very long op? He can't really know them by the sounds of it..

By staying your children will think this is normal. Children who grow up in these environments often go on to have similar adult relationships themselves. So really your not protecting them.

I think he will do everything he can to get out of any financial burdens first and foremost as he has an unhealthy obsession with money (despite hardly working and being lazy). So if having the kids now will reduce what he needs to pay, he will choose that option.

He has all of my money in his name bar a small amount of current income, this was my decision as for other reasons I was not able to invest it how I wanted it. (Stupid...yes?) He also has most of my shares that were transferred to him a few years ago, gets all those dividends and also gets the child benefit money. The CB money is 'claimed' by me but paid into a 'joint' account that I don't use or have access to so I haven't seen a penny of it in 7 years. He says it's for house bills as I don't 'contribute'. Just to note, I've been earning and paying for everything child related (days out, swimming lessons, clothes, after school club), vet bills, household food bills (until a family member became terminally ill and I had to stop work) and have the kids almost all of the time.

I also have an inheritance due and it makes me so angry to think he will likely get half of that as well. We are only in the fortunate position we are in of owning a home with a small mortgage because of help from my family.

I know he loves the kids and does care about them but it almost seems like their neediness is too much for him and he's too interested in what he wants to do and just can't contain the anger and frustration. Time spent with him includes eating McDonald's and pizza and watching screens 90% of the time. We are just living on different planets.

I just feel so stuck, I have no family support nearby (neither does he) and its been a real slog being in charge 24/7 for so many years without help. I feel like the sensible thing would be to spend more time trying to save some money, gather evidence and write a polite and civil letter explaining how unhappy I am and how he's treated us has taken a toll and hope that we could come to some agreement, but i just have no idea how he would react to tha. Not that its relevant now but years before we were married, we split up twice and both times he was very persistent in winning me back - stupidly i went.

Polite and civil is not the way to approach this man who seems to only want control. Please leave him and don't let him have your inheritance! He is financially abusive.

Oh. Crikey don't write him a letter! You need to get your ducks in a row, change the child benefit so it comes direct to you and not into the joint account. You probably need to separate prior to any inheritance. If you can get some legal advice. Don't hint to him that you are wanting to leave. He will undoubtedly claim 50:50 but as someone else has commented at least 50% of the time they won't be with you.

I know this will sound harsh but I can be very direct when it comes to abusers.
A loving father doesn’t abuse their child. End of.

As a parent you need to teach your child how to behave when they are angry or frustrated and you can’t do that with an angry asshat in the background. At least by splitting they have a chance to realise what normal behaviour is.

For years I didn’t claim maintenance because my ex was obsessed with money and I knew if I pushed he would demand more contact time. However, he is abusive so it wasn’t in DC best interests to spend more time with him.

'I've do 95% of childcare since the kids were born'. And you think he'll bother with shared custody? Not likely. I mean Im sure he'll go for it in order to upset you...but he's unlikely to stick to it in practice.

The scapegoat child actually suffers even more because you are there. For several reasons. Partly, often they abuse the child to hurt you. Secondly, the embarrassment and 'shame' the child has that you are witnessing their so called 'fuck ups'. They worry that YOU like daddy, might think they are bad/stupid. Thirdly the worry that dad will tell you they are bad/stupid and you will believe them.

So if you aren't around, that stress is alleviated somewhat. I can only speak from my own experience but when I got to around 10, I'd already figured out my abusive grandparent was an arsehole. Her abuse didn't bother me anymore. But what did, was that my mother stayed and let her treat me that way...that maybe my mother thought I deserved this treatment...

If you leave him, you are showing your child you do not agree with what his dad says and does. You are also showing that we do not stay with bullies. And, that you choose your son, not his abuser.

That means so much to an abused child. To have one parent show them that they do not agree with the abuser. And stand up to them by leaving.

As shit as it is that they may still have to spend time with them for a few more years, until they're old enough to refuse to go...at least they'll have one safe home with you, where they are loved. That means the world.

Ps: as it is hard for you to see them abused, it is also hard for them to see you abused. They probably want to protect you, but can't. That's an awful burden to grow up with. Knowing that your mum perhaps even stayed 'for you'.

They might be frightened of the marriage ending initially because they worry they will be blamed. But you just consistently over time reassure them that you left left father because of HIS behaviour, no one elses.

In the long run, they'll grow up wishing you'd got out sooner.

What you are describing is financial and emotional abuse and it falls under the care food controlling and coercive behaviour because it has had a substantial adverse effect on your life.

Please please speak to Women's aid or Rights for Women who can tell you what your options are, then consider telling the police and social services. Police report will help with legal aid and SS will be supportive of you if you are acting in the DCs best interests by leaving and trying to protect them.

The family courts like to provide stability for DC and maintain the status quo as far as possible. If you're the only one looking after the DC they will default to being with you as the starting point. SS may well recommend supervised contact in the first instance if you have lots of recordings of him being abusive to your son. You'd be amazed how many men "desperate to see their children" (I.e. wanting to save money) seem to lose interest when they have to jump through a few hoops first. It's not a guarantee though.

The family courts aren't great TBH. They operate on the assumption that abuse doesn't exist unless there's evidence and can be absolutely terrible at spotting manipulation and lies in court. To beat this you have to
'play the game'. You will have a CAFCASS officer. They can be amazing or rubbish depending on what they believe. Hence you need that evidence trail through a police record of DV and willing engagement with SS, etc. Thiz will get them on your side. So many abusers get away with it in the court because their victims have been too browbeaten to report anything to anyone - indeed abusive thrives on this secrecy and silence. Break it. Get the pieces in place before making your move and DO NOT tell your H what you are doing or threaten it. At best he will try to sabotage your efforts. At worst he could be dangerous.

As you are married, the starting point is 50/50 division of assets. However, if you can prove that you're by far the main provider things should sway more in your favour, more so if you're able to show financial abuse (hence needing the police record again) where you have been deprived of past money.

Please start speaking to people and getting things in place. You and your DC deserve so much better. Good luck.

Care food? Category!

It sounds like now could be a good time to leave so he can't take the inheritance. If possible get him to leave rather than you. Does he have family members who could help him leave. Then you can get a non molestation order

I’m sorry to hear of this, how awful for you and the children. He won’t want shared custody if he never looks after them now. Doing it on his own will prove way too difficult. Once the children of a certain age they won’t be forced to go either. Trust me you can’t get to 18 and your child questions why you kept them in that negative environment and didn’t even try to get them away from such horrible treatment. All the best

Wow thank you for all your messages. I was under the impression that even if we split now and the inheritance came in a month that he is still eligible? Does anyone know if there's anything I can do with it to kind of ring fence it? I know I'm too nice, I am the mouse, the pushover, I don't speak up in most areas of my life, I have a hard time saying no to people, my mother is narcissistic and I have no one else so I wonder sometimes if I'm damaged from her. I need to get all of this right though so I don't screw up our lives even more!

There is not a chance he will leave this house, 200% sure of that! He's said in the heat of arguments previously just move out, just go, I am NOT leaving MY house. He is delusional, he thinks he's this wonderful provider and I live a free life when the reality is that we struggle and I'm exhausted scraping pennies and working crazy hrs all because he's lazy.

Thank you, this has really painted a different picture in my mind than what I was seeing, it makes total sense. They are the best kids and deserve the world, not to be shouted at and put down. My youngest is only 3 so too young to really understand anything but the eldest is absolutely old enough and sees and hears what goes on 😥

Its just such a terrifying prospect leaving, I have a few good friends, but really no one else to lean on. The person who died was the closest to me, my safety. It feels like way more stepping out on my own than if I had grandparents or siblings to help and support.

Anyway, i really appreciate you sharing your perspective.

Open a bank account in your sole name only to receive any money, if you haven't got one.

He might be liable for a share eventually, if you split up, but a least you would have control of it.

This is what my ex always told me about the house if we split and I was sure he meant it.

I got to the point where I couldn’t take anymore, so I packed me and the kids up while he was at work and I went to live at my mums, I was sleeping on the floor.
As soon as he realised I was serious and not coming back, he moved me out so the kids and I could have the house as it wasn’t fair on them, which was a complete shock.
He wouldn’t give me the keys, but after police advice I had the locks changed and applied for a non mol to stop him from just turning up - he’s now not allowed within 50 metres of the property.
Applying to the court for an occupation order, they will decide who can and can’t live in the house and he won’t have a choice, they are also done really quickly, mine was within a week.

Sorry, I'm going to drop my situation on you, I have heard others had it better but I've also heard others have it worse/some continue fighting 10 years in via court. For me, this is bad enough I have mental health support. And considering he said he would take the children if I ever left him, he's working very hard to make sure that happens to the point I cry daily and regret ever saying "no" to him or trying to get away. I wish I had stayed. And this is with women's aid and other charities trying to support me - there is NO support for psychological and emotional abuse and it is so hard to prove.

I left last April.

He got 50/50. He got "shared care"; he earns £3000-£4000PCM, but is now working cash in hand claiming he has "no money"... He applied and argued child benefit (as he has shared care) and stopped that income for me. He stopped my universal credit by applying for that as he has "no money" and has claimed child benefit. He didn't do anything to help with the kids until I called him out on it; now I'm not allowed to do anything from school trips to medical appointments without his consent, because of the shared care. He controls everything, still. He has more weekends then me, too. I got told it will be impossible to change now because I agreed to everything; no one told me at the time and I was so afraid of him I just did everything he wanted.

We use a parenting app. I get daily messages, degrading, belittling, and putting me down. I get accusations thrown at me. I get harassed to drop things immediately; he will say he knows I've not gone to pick up things/use it to keep track of me. He gaslights me claiming I have his belongings when I don't. He keeps school uniform then gaslights and claims I've got his, which I don't. I get harassed in public by his friends. I get harassed on social media by "fake" accounts.

I asked social services and other charities for help and got told that they would remove the kids from my care if I don't learn to co-parent with him. They didn't even want to see the messages.

Please, please, please, get evidence before you leave. Write a diary. Log police reports. Don't make the mistake I did thinking you could leave and would be safe. I still cry every morning, I cry whenever I'm alone. I can't even parent my kids because I get messages telling me what to do; messages telling me not to ask for help, police said because he words his threats carefully they can't help me.

Courts favour 50/50 now and generally see it as parents being immature VS domestic abuse. I would ask any solicitor you get, if they have had a situation like yours, what was the outcome, how long did it take, and really vet them and ask them to be transparent.