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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel terrible and emotionally abused...

13 replies

Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 12:22

I had a relationship that ended last Spring . I was utterly heartbroken. The person I was with was going through a divorce and we had met twice years after his separation. He explained he couldn't cope with the stress of the divorce. We kept in contact and saw each other here and there, until the end of June. When we last spoke I had seen his profile on Bumble it was around September. I called him.and asked him to be straight with me. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship ..ie sex/casual. His divorce was still on going and he could barely sleep or think straight. Mid October he had a court hearing regarding the divorce and I wished him well. A week or so after he posted a picture of himself with a woman to be honest this isn't odd for him. I stopped following his media accounts bar one and saw pictures of them together at NYE. I have worked out they they met around June and would have stated seeing each other around mid Summer in the midst of his divorce. Literally, everything he has said has been a lie, the call in September the reason for the break up. I feel an utter fool and so sad. I feel I have been replaced. He behaved appalling in his marriage numerous affairs, he broke my heart. I just feel he has behaved so cruelly and insensitively, yet it's as though nothing has happened. I don't know how to move on, I feel so bereft.

OP posts:
Janiie · 27/02/2024 12:31

So sorry that you're upset op. I'm not sure it's emotional abuse though tbh, it just sounds like a relationship that didn't work out. He sounds awful anyway as you've said he cheated in his marriage.

Just move on, you're better off without him by the sounds of it.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2024 12:32

I agree with previous poster, this isn’t emotional abuse. It is always difficult when somebody that we really like doesn’t like us back in the same way but take some comfort in the fact that you know what kind of man he is and so would you really have wanted him anyway? Not everybody you lose is a loss x

StringTheory1 · 27/02/2024 12:35

This sounds really horrible for you. I mean this kindly but it sounds like you’ve been investing a huge amount of energy / research into his SM / actions / timelines, despite this situationship ending 7 months ago. It feels like you’ve become emotionally over-invested in this, and are possibly ruminating a bit more than is healthy for you. To be thinking that this flakey man ending the situationship in a less than upfront way is ‘emotional abuse’ really is quite a disproportionate response, and undermines the concept of such.

You know he’s an unethical cheating player, so you had a lucky escape.

As hard as it feels, you need to really try to let this go and move on, and end up with someone you can trust / feel secure with.

Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 13:14

@StringTheory1 "unethical cheating player" - I will remind myself of that.

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Tempnamechng · 27/02/2024 15:12

It just sounds like an "it's not you it's me". He wasn't honest, but he wasn't abusive. It would have been helpful if he had been upfront about the reason for breaking up, but if we are honest many of us have been half hearted in relationships until meeting someone else gave us the push to end it. I know I wasn't honest with an ex bf that I had met someone else, but that certainly didn't make me emotionally abusive, it just meant that I didn't want the huge drama that would have played out if I had admitted I wanted to be free to date the other guy. I am sorry you were hurt though.

icelolly12 · 27/02/2024 17:25

No it's not emotional abuse, he was single and moved on

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 27/02/2024 17:32

Why on earth would you get with a man who is going through a divorce and who was clearly a cheat.

You are just another name on his long list.

If you touch a hot pan expect to get burnt.

Littlefish · 27/02/2024 17:38

How long were you in a relationship for? Your reaction sounds quite intense.

LIZS · 27/02/2024 17:39

He was single, stated he wanted no commitment and presumably found someone whose expectations matched . Not sure why you feel it is ea, he did not lead you on. Stop following him, distract yourself and move on.

Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 17:47

@LIZS I agree about moving on. But actually having someone that you loved and by they're own description description describe your relationship as serious and committed "move on" in about 2 months in the worse part of their divorce, when the divorce was the reason they gave for the break up is very upsetting. Especially as he lied to me and said he could barely think, sleep and it was brutal, while saying he wasn't seeing anyone. That's why I am upset.

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Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 17:49

@Notwhatyouwanttohear because sometimes we don't make great choices. I didn't know he had a history of cheating and actually quite manipulative men can be very open to draw you in and win your confidence. He wasn't actually in the midst of a divorce when I met him, but long term separated.

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SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 27/02/2024 17:50

Just keep reminding yourself he was never who you hoped he was. He's a liar and a cheat and you deserve better. A lucky escape, dust yourself off and move on.

Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 17:50

@SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling thank you...

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