Regular poster but NC’ed for this in case anyone puts all the posts together. Sorry this is a long one.
DP threatened to leave me last week. It’s the second or third time in the 3 years but this time he actually packed his bags. He did something wrong and he said ‘I’ve said sorry, there’s nothing else I can do. we should separate if it’s not good enough for you so I don’t keep upsetting you’ packed his bag and then he burst into tears and said he was doing it for me. It’s not the first time I’ve felt emotionally manipulated.
Whenever we disagree and I try to talk, he goes silent, and then I get angry (we’re both copying our parents).
I can’t afford the house we live in together. We bought a fixer upper in my name only (stamp duty). He sold his house to add his name to the new house and pay for renovation together. So he’s currently got cash in the bank and all mine is in the house.
He makes three times more than I do. I would have to sell the house (at a loss) and move back in with my parents.
Our childhoods were completely different.
my parents worked physical jobs all the time. we didn’t have much money and things were always tense. there was lots of violence and screaming. In my adulthood, my parents agreed to therapy and the three of us found our own way and now have a great relationship, which was an amazing achievement. But I still have life long relationship problems.
DP used to believe he had a great family. He remembers his childhood as being very calm with someone always at home (both parents worked parttime). But When things have been hard recently with the reno and him being depressed he hasn’t been able to cope. None of his family talk about anything ‘real’. They don’t ask for advice and will only mention any problems after the fact, even if one of them is in hospital. As a child they never talked about emotions and were told to just get over it and keep up appearances all the time. He and his sister were subtly pitted against each other to be ‘the winner’ or ‘the failure’
his parents don’t like me (class reasons). There’s always been an air of superiority when they come around (luckily it’s not often). I wonder how much of this he has absorbed.
He admits he’s extremely oppressed and doesn’t know how to fix it. I’ve been asking him to see a therapist for over a year now. He saw one who was terrible. I said he should try again because all therapists are different and it was bad luck but he said there’s no point and he’ll find stuff online like using Mind (I don’t know if he’s done this)
Since last week we’ve both apologised but I feel so unsafe now. But I understand that we both have difficulties and I shouldn’t shout at him and he has untreated MH problems.
How do I know if it’s time to bite the bullet, accept the loss and leave him?