Husband with c-PTSD

[Branconche]

Diagnosed a few years ago as a result of previously buried significant childhood trauma. He is currently seeing an experienced psychologist, with slow but definite progress.

Most of the time it is fine, sometimes life is good, but sometimes living with him can feel like hell. I try so hard to look past the negative, grumpy, critical person he can be, as he is also such a good, loving person and I hold onto hope that therapy will set that person free. He is just so broken.

But a lot of the time I can do nothing right in his eyes, he doesn't notice all the things I say, do (and don't say) to try to accommodate his healing. One minor transgression on my part will send him spiraling into a dark hole and he re-experiences his trauma with minimal trigger. I really try to be a good support to him but I am only human and disagreements are part of life (though I've smelted them down to a tiny amount as it makes both our lives).

I suppose I just want to hear from other people who may have been through similar, and any practical advice they might have for getting through this. I appreciate some people's advice will simply be to leave him, and I can understand that, but that isn't something I'm going to do.

I could have written this, OP

I dunno, I've given so much headspace and emotional energy to supporting him for a decade.

He's done some talking therapy but little change.

The thing is, I have cPTSD as well and I do not behave in these ways.

I'm thinking that you and I both might want to put ourselves first maybe? I have 2 DC.

They love him (stepdad) but they definitely will be more comfy without the grumpiness.

I'm working on leaving. I know you're not thinking of that, I'm just sending you strength and solidarity.

Thank you for your honest reply. Solidarity to you too.
I don't feel ready yet to put myself first but can entirely appreciate you feeling like that 10 years in.
A disagreement this morning led to a huge verbal meltdown on his part and it ended in him saying he is repulsed by me and is leaving me. He was so angry and I could see he had regressed into a scared child and had lost control. It is so hard when they are triggered so easily and I am sick with guilt and will be until he comes around from the fall out, whenever that is. I have learnt now not to argue or try to defend myself as it just makes him more upset.

Sorry that you’re going through this Branconche.
have you considered getting some counselling for yourself? I looks to me that you’re managing your DHs struggles and making yourself small in the process. You have feelings too and by pushing them all down along side dealing with Dh outbursts is a recipe for disaster!

Supporting and caring can be very difficult OP. You say you can’t put yourself first , but how can you help him if you become Ill yourself ?
I think you need to really remember this OP and start finding things to do that bring you joy and allow you to be independent x
Yes support him , but feed your soul too , otherwise the balance can shift irretrievably

Was he like this when you met and married him?

Not C-PTSD but definitely depression.

I appreciate you’re not ready for this, however there is a line between supporting and actually enabling abuse.

The way he spoke to you this morning is not ok, and crossed that line.

Do you have kids? I’m sort you’re going through this. It is absolutely ok to put yourself first, even if that means removing yourself from an abuse situation.

As someone with C-PTSD what happened this morning was abuse. And that's not ok. In 15 years since my diagnosis I've not spoken to my DH like that and nor would I. I want to be a cycle breaker not someone who perpetuates the generational trauma.

I suggest couples counselling for both so that he can have it spelled out that his communication needs work. You shouldn't be on eggshells. But if he can't get a handle on learning what's straight up abuse and how to manage his triggers without abusing someone else then I think you need to really think about what's best for the future so you don't enable an abuser. It's possible for him to be both victim and abuser sadly.

if he says he is leaving you the tell him t hurry up

trauma does not excuse abuse, ever

there is this misconception that people should be forgiven for their behaviour if they have mental health issues - but outside of disorders that genuinely shift perception of reality (and require antipsychotic medication) these people know what they are doing...he knows what he said

He may not be able to control his emotions but he can control how he expresses them

how long has he been in therapy?

Thank you for all the replies and insight.

To answer some questions yes, we have a child.

DH was kind, calm, caring but at baseline unhappy, until his memories of the event emerged. Had to give up alcohol as he was having horrendous benders which ended in a criminal record. Has been in and out of therapy for a few years but the trauma psychologist he has been seeing for maybe 9 months or so. Progress has been gradual but he definitely has more insight. Therapist is expensive and for that reason couldn't even consider further counselling at the moment for either of us, though appreciate the suggestions and will bear them in mind for future.

Completely agree that I have made my own needs smaller. Am trying to do things I enjoy in the evening while giving him space. If anything I'm kind of amazed at my ability to stay relatively happy and positive despite everything going on at home.

Yes completely agree, his behaviour at times is abusive. I am holding out for the man I once knew to come back after more therapy. I am in a situation where my partner isn't really capable of giving me any emotional support, but I am not in physical danger at all, and am coping.

Coping for now OP. For now.

I’m really sorry but I think your update makes this clearer. I think you are in an abusive relationship worth an angry man who has abused alcohol and acquired a criminal record in the process.

Yes he may have c-PTSD, but that doesn’t detract from the abuse.

Does he work? Contribute in any useful way?

You and your child are at risk of psychological harm from this. Your needs and those of your child are equally important. Can the trauma therapist work with you as a family? Or can you find a therapist that will?

Have a look at this, see if any of it resonates.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

it was abusive. it doesn't matter that he feels shit, he doesn't have the right to take it out on you.

You won't be able to live with this longer term. Coping will become surviving and there will be damage to you and DC, psychologically.

you said that you saw him regress to a scared child out of control. This was an interpretation - you can't know what is in his thoughts. If he is indeed feeling that way, his focus should be on maintaining control so as not to harm his wife and child. And you are not his parent.

Something else to think about - as I am seeing things more clearly now, and/or realise that he cannot (will not? does it matter?) improve or he would have by now, it is obvious that we'll separate.

I don't think my DH has what is needed to sustain a healthy relationship. We have had 10 years because of MY hard work and (maladaptive) tenacity. I've always known that we both have shit childhood/abuse baggage - but I have worked on mine. Any of this resonate?

When you look back to when he was a good partner, how was that different to now with the cPTSD? What was good about being in a relationship with him?

just to explore:

"they are triggered so easily" - being triggered leads to feelings/thoughts which have to be managed - not an unconscious uncontrollable compulsion to speak or behave a certain way.

"I am sick with guilt and will be until he comes around from the fall out" - why? what are you guilty of here?

"whenever that is" - what might it be? will there be an element of his distress being directed at you and/or DC? Silent treatment? hard words? cancelled activity/outing?

"I have learnt now not to argue or try to defend myself as it just makes him more upset" - this is the kicker and what takes it into abuse I think - we are thereby trained (controlled) to not object to their behaviour, we start to tread on eggshells to avoid it happening at all. But that's for them to do. I bet you control yourself and think about your words when you're upset...

Thanks this breakdown really helped put it into perspective. He is at an early stage in his healing and at the moment struggles to control his reactions to triggers but can identify when they are happening, the problem is he gets so wound up and stuck in a loop that nothing can calm him down. Then it's usually silent treatment, looks of disdain, that sort of thing. When ive clearly done nothing to trigger he will apologise but often he will latch onto something I've done/said and it'll be the main focus of his distress for hours/days and itll be generally accepted that it was my fault.

For example today I feel guilt for misplacing my car key and asking if he had seen it which led to him getting out of bed and looking for it then finding it in the place he had initially suggested (I'm the first to admit I'm clumsy when it comes to looking for misplaced items) he said it made him feel panicked me shouting through to him when he was getting his thoughts together for the day. Something as innocuous as that is all it takes and it makes me spend all day wishing I'd not involved him and upset him.

He never directs his anger at our child but they have seen him extremely angry/having emotional meltdowns maybe 3 times or so, then DH feels guilty for that and blames me. They bave a really lovely relationship and means the world to him.

I am under no illusion that any of this is normal and I know it is horrible to read back, but I just really want him to be safe and happy, his life has been stolen away from him by one horrible person and I really want him to have a happy future.

Thanks, you are right.
I know he feels like a scared child in those situations because he told me. He completely loses control of his emotions and enters fight or flight mode with adrenaline through the roof.

"I don't think my dh has what is needed to sustain a healthy relationship" well this hits the nail on the head, I feel the same. He thinks I am the problem but I really don't think he is capable of being in an emotionally mutual relationship at this time.

We like doing the same things, enjoy each others company, share opinions on things, are affectionate and loving to each other - all of these things are still true they are just a smaller aspect of the relationship than they were before.

Op

I am sorry but your husband is emotionally abusive.

He is no different to any of the other abusive men in that he has grown up around abuse and therefore he is abusive (not everyone who suffers abuse as a child will become abusive but most do or they become attracted to abusers)

The fact he is seeking therapy is nice but it is no excuse to have you walking on egg shells and feeling apprehensive.

What you do not realise is that you are exposing your child to silent dysfunction on a daily basis.

I’d be keen to know if either of your own parents were abusive or highly dysfunctional?

Your husbands dysfunctional because he was exposed to it. As your child is being exposed. The child doesn’t need to be screamed at or beaten they just become accustomed to the relationship dynamics and replicate them when they are adults.

Im not telling you to leave but I’m encouraging you to reframe what is happening to you and your child because at the moment you are sitting with a narrative that is very comforting to you when in fact it’s false.

I am glad you have affection and shared times - communication is key.

I would still caution you about these:

"silent treatment, looks of disdain" - why disdain and (the dreaded) silent treatment for YOU because he has been triggered? My DH does the same. It's one of the reasons I now see no future.

You say you've asked a normal question or there's been a small issue. It's the trauma that's triggered him not the daily / ordinary event. He makes a choice, after being triggered and reacting, to then drag it out as if you have caused the harm to him.

"He never directs his anger at our child but they have seen him extremely angry/having emotional meltdowns maybe 3 times or so, then DH feels guilty for that and blames me" - again witnessing this WILL have an impact.

If it's 3 times in 5 years the impact will be different than 3 times in a week (and so on) - but there IS an impact. Maybe read up on this? Also, the blaming you is wrong and emotionally abusive - you're carrying the can for 2 adults!

"He thinks I am the problem" - this is very familiar. not taking responsibility for his own words and actions. You're not the problem, his past is. Even if you were the "problem" it STILL doesn't make verbal aggression/abuse and scaring your child acceptable.

Keep thinking, reading, keep an open mind.....

Thank you so much to everyone who has answered and for not just telling me to leave him which is the response I worried about before posting. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now I've no intention of leaving him.

"Keep thinking, reading, keep an open mind....." this is really good advice. Knowledge is power. I read The Body Keeps the Score to help get insight into how his mind worked and I feel that helped but I do feel he's slipped into a habit of feeling entitled to behave the way he does because of his illness.

We are lucky to live in a large enough house that we can have our own space and not get under each others feet, my plan tonight is to leave him to it and have a bath and relax.

Is there any way you can create space for yourself and your child as he goes through this phase of his therapy? It's impossible to tell by us here online what is caused by his trauma and what is something that will continue no matter what, but either way, the level of emotional pressure you're experiencing isn't sustainable or good for you.

Can you make a plan for how you could live apart for 6-12 months? you could then talk to a therapist (preferably his, if they will allow this, or a couples counsellor) about how you can communicate this to him in a way that doesn't trigger a 'traumatised child' response. i know this might be too expensive to think about, but it's likely his behaviour will be this hard to live with for a significant time, and may very well worsen.

The thing is the majority of the time things are OK and we live harmoniously enough, but when things escalate like this morning they get really out of hand and it takes days for the dust to settle. He holds a grudge so strongly, I am the opposite (doubt the relationship would exist if I held grudges).

We are kind of living separately in that we both occupy different parts of the house in the evenings, and I let him go and do his own thing while I do bedtime with DC (which I love btw). Sometimes we don't even eat together. He needs space and that's fine for me. Maybe one evening a week we will watch our show together. So whilst we aren't living apart we are definitely getting headspace from each other if that makes sense.

I feel I should add I haven't always been a great partner to him, I've had to work through realising I was brought up by an emotionally immature parent and I have changed my behaviour towards him hugely as a result of my own learning. I myself behaved very immaturely at times. So there is an element of guilt related to that as well that probably makes me roll over and accept the way I am treated.

My STBXH was abused as a child and he became abusive to me and my children. When he started melting down at them and then blaming them for his behaviour we left. I should have left a long time before, as he was abusive to me for years.
He has given me cPTSD (also had childhood sexual abuse)
Maybe I am fortunate but when I am triggered I go into a flop response and dissociate. I am completely incapable of talking and need to use all my energy just to remain conscious, it would be easier to faint.
I have only been having counselling for a few weeks and am currently working on controlling thoughts far before being triggered, but as my therapist says that is practice for further down the line to put in place for when I am triggered/suicidal.
I guess I am saying be careful and look after yourself.

Your last paragraph is painful to read. You are a human, who was brought up by another perfectly imperfect human. Behaving immaturely sometimes, is part of being a human. I hope the learnings have been of your own doing and that are not all about what he has taught you. I am 50, my thoughts, actions, perspectives, behaviours and understandings have shifted massively over the years and I don't expect that change and development to stop. I fully expect to be a different person in 20 years and to look back at some of my behaviours now and wonder... but I hope I can see my humanity in them and I hope I accept that who I am now is good enough even if imperfect.

You did not do the thing that caused him pain and you are not responsible for fixing him. If he can accept you as you, to walk with him in imperfect love, then you have a way forward. If he holds the actions that trigger him, against you, without unconditionally knowing that you love him and would never knowingly hurt him, you are in a very difficult position.

We all have an inner child and there is no such thing as a perfect adult. We all respond to hurt, especially from the ones we expect to love us. Most of us can put the needs of our children first and can learn to handle rejection and hurt from them when they are still children as we teach them to become adults. However, we do find it very hard to accept hurt and rejection from our parents and from our partners. This does not make us failures, terrible partners or responsible for the hurt felt by them when we are acting within the bounds of our altered normality that tries to make adjustments for their needs. We cannot expect to fully understand them, we can expect to learn and adapt, but only within reason.

I think you have strayed into a dynamic that is no longer reasonable. You should find some support for you so that you can set your own boundaries, meet your own needs and clearly deliniate where your support starts and ends. You will be able to support him, only if your needs are met.

He is at an early stage in his healing and at the moment struggles to control his reactions to triggers but can identify when they are happening, the problem is he gets so wound up and stuck in a loop that nothing can calm him down

You said he's been seeing the therapist for 9 months, has the therapist not taught him any techniques to use to try to calm himself down? You said you feel he's slipped into a habit of feeling entitled to behave the way he does so have you not witnessed him trying to help himself calm down?

Is the therapist just doing talking therapy with him?

I have cPTSD from surviving CSA and the way he's behaving is not acceptable OP. I am a bit further along in my recovery (18 months in therapy) and have daily practices to help when I'm struggling. I run or row daily, mindfulness practice for three minutes each morning before I get out of bed, set bedtime with a sleep meditation podcast, I do polyvagal breathing and progressive muscle relaxation exercises for a few minutes a day and if really struggling journal too. So without the exercise about twenty minutes of practices daily, these are all techniques I came to with my therapist and while not perfect I feel much better overall. What is your DH doing to be active in his own healing because a bit of woolly therapy talk doesn't cut it. It seems he has done what a lot of people do, hiding behind a diagnosis and acting out without fear of being held to account.