2dcs both disabled. No support. 31 and single again. When will my time be?

[Onehouratatime]

Hi all
Well for those who have seen my previous posts - single again at 31. I have 2 children both classed as disabled. No support with the children in terms of dads/childcare - I get 1 kid free night every 8/12 weeks when the grandparents feel guilty...I've tried to ask them to help more but get nowhere!!
I feel trapped.
I want to be happy and have a stable relationship - I wanted what I thought my ex was and what the future I thought we would have (he's a liar and a cheat emphasis on the liar part) but now I'm back to being just me and the kids alone.

I just feel trapped. I can't do anything. I'm trying to heal from the recent discovery of my ex's lies and future faking etc but I'm just terrified of my future...

Any advice on healing...being single in 30s... anything throw it my way please 🙏

Sorry to be blunt OP but stay away from men- absolutely you need support and time away from your children but not for a man. There’s clearly a pattern of shit men- focus on yourself and your children.

How disabled/what disabilitys, are kids school aged & do you work at all ? There would be support out there for different things

It's probably time to take a break from relationships though if there leading nowhere & you already have a family to take care of.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope you feel better soon, just have to focus on yourself and park the idea of romantic relationships for a while.

You're only 31, there's so much life ahead of you for those things. Sending love

Having a “man” could exacerbate your problems OP. You sound a bit desperate.
As both children are disabled have you asked the council for a social care assessment, they legally have to look at your needs as a single parent carer ie respite care, babysitting , shared lives etc -carers resource could help

How old are you DC op? Will they be able to live independently when they're older?

Sounds like you could do with being single for a while?! Why rush to think of the next man? 2 disabled children you have your hands full how do you even manage to date when you only have 1 day free every 3 months? Are you introducing them straight away? I’ve been single for 7 years because I’m a full time lone parent (kids don’t see their father and no family support) so no time to date been single since I was 28 now 35

Honestly I think most men are a bit shit. I'd focus on you for a while, accessing support like respite for your children, join parent groups, develop friendships and build your life. You can't date if you have your children full time anyway so I'd shelve that idea for a while.

Save your energy for yourself and your kids. Focus on building a mutual support network and fighting for your dcs needs- I’m not saying that to accuse you of anything, just that I saw what a fight it was for a friend but appropriate care and future planning has revolutionised her life.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers deffo a pattern of shit men - which is the worst part as when i split with my dd dad after a very abusive situation I was single and away from men for a long time then i met exdp and the red flags were secured locked away for a long while until they wernt and then i left - i was so proud of myself for leaving however granted should of left sooner but also for seeing the flags which is why it was such a kick when it went toxic from his side. I 100% need time away from the kids - this is my number 1 goal atm.

@Jk8 DS is 12 with autism, adhd, odd and others with big aggressive behaviours and lots of missing from home episodes. DD is 5 and albino so visually impaired - very different disabilities. I work 2 days a week and am at risk of loosing my job currently due to all the time off i have to have to accommodate DC's however i know i have legal backing due to the kids having disabilities with work however thats another fight!!

@ExpectantEs Thank you so much!

@Pumpkinpie1 i just want to be happy and have someone whos supportive to me i guess!! looking into social care stuff now however we have just been given a social worker to help with ds after begging for one for years!!

@Comedycook 12 and 5 - the 5 year old may not be able to live independently

@TheMushroomFamily do you not feel like your life is passing you by? Thats what im struggling with - kinda of want to scream "I MATTER TOO!!!"

@Lovetosleep1 I just feel trapped - I cant do anything for me ever

@pickledandpuzzled I get abused daily from my DS and im just struggling i think with the constant abuse and the care levels of each child - i just want me to matter and i constantly feel i don't.. if had a choice and the option which obviously i don't currently to have a relationship id probably choose to stay single anyway its the fact that I'm trapped and haven't even got that choice that i am struggling with i think

Thank you all for your replies - life is horrible at the moment

I do get it. I have had periods of time where I had extremely challenging children and little/no support.

I would say- and I know it’s easy to say- take every opportunity for a little bit of self care. Whether that’s cooking your own favourite food instead of everyone else’s, playing your favourite music, watching what you want etc, or managing the occasional bath with a candle and a chocolate bar. Only you know what you can manage. But try to claw back some moments where you think about what you want, not what will keep the DC quiet/happy.

💐

@pickledandpuzzled I'll do this thank you. I'm just trapped If I had options and choices it would feel better but no choice no option but sit here doing mum life 24 7 is killing me even when I go for a bath my ds is constantly knocking on the door. He only does 2 hours at school until we find a suitable placement so it's HELL

@Onehouratatime DS is 12 with autism, adhd, odd and others with big aggressive behaviours and lots of missing from home episodes. DD is 5 and albino so visually impaired - very different disabilities. I work 2 days a week and am at risk of loosing my job currently due to all the time off i have to have to accommodate DC's however i know i have legal backing due to the kids having disabilities with work however thats another fight!!

Thats a rough mix so sympathys for that! & well done for keeping a foot in the door of having a job/life of your own

Sounds like you need respite care to focus on just having time to yourself without the added stress of kids/men

maybe see about the wider family (aunts/uncles of your own) to help aswell as what's available charity wise (if your not actively involved in social services)

& good luck

@Jk8 thank you so much.

I think you urgently need respite care or to know that respite care is coming.

I get it about you wanting to matter too. That's the very hard thing about being a single mother with challenging children. You can feel abandoned and suffer terribly from this, and the children give you a hard time as well, it can feel like hell for sure. I've been there but my children weren't as challenging as yours. It's a situation that can feel unnatural and unfair. You are deprived of your liberty.

Watch out very carefully because there are men who will target you as you are in a vulnerable situation. The 'knight in shining armour' perhaps, who turns into the opposite when his foot is in the door.

Good luck, I feel for you. Xx

I think you need to contact Social Services and ask for respite. It may take a while, but they will know of placements for your children. They will give you time away, but your children will also enjoy being independent of you.

It's not clear what a man would bring into your life? You have two children and are surely not in a position to have any more. Very few men are going to be ace stepfathers even in the best of circs with really easy kids, which is obviously not your situation. What possible help is a boyfriend going to offer?

I don't really have any solutions other than try and get your parents to help out a bit more often. Are you getting financial support from the father?

Op I completely understand how you feel and I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.

the first thing to do is organise respite. Can you contact social services to see options por this?