Friendships in mid life

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Anyone else feel a disconnect with long term friends over the passage of time? The tribulations of life have left 2 of my closest single and now when we meet I feel a simmering resentment with comments “if I had a man I would be rich” with the inference I shouldn’t have any problems because I have a man. Can feel myself detaching, I have very real problems even though I have a man!

no i don’t

in fact over the years my two closest friends have become like the most wonderful sisters to me, supporting each other through divorce, bereavement, difficulties conceiving, toddlers, tweens, teens.

I love them.

Your friend sayng if they had a man they would be rich .. what a weird and untrue thing to say. Do they view men as ATM machines? No wonder you feel like detaching from them.

“if I had a man I would be rich”

your friend sounds a bit thick tbh

I feel a bitterness creeping in with one in particular. Quite a few comments about what life would have been like if… I am more of a it is what it is, let’s find solutions person.

If you feel bitterness, don't ignore your intuition. Bitterness isn't something directed at you from proper friends. Don't allow it to fester. Is your friend ok?

No. I don't feel like that with any of my friends. I have friends in many different situations, rich, poor, single, married, child free with children etc etc and I've not noticed any bitterness from anyone.

I think she struggles. Menopause in the mix. I just come away feeling “got at” after spending time. Particularly hard as my life has been anything but easy (childhood abuse, estranged parents) but my marriage has survived and their our joint lifestyle which seems to be the issue.

I hear you. My life is simple now in comparison to theirs but oh boy I battled for it. I had a terrible upbringing like you see in the newspapers under the title “deprivation”, it was honestly horrid and I’ve walked away outwardly ok but never feeling loved, and the feeling that extreme poverty is just one illness away.

A lot of friends are now suffering the kinds of losses I did years ago, and they say things like “no one understands”. Well I do. Acutely. It’s perhaps that you never understood me and now see the reality. There are plenty of people who understand. It’s like I’m almost hated a little for not being utterly broken. The scales have tipped. One friend has been like this a while now since her luck changed and I wonder now she always enjoyed the difference in our circumstances.

Aside from that though, I am constantly reaching out to make sure they are ok; what can I do, offering an ear, reassuring them, and all I ever get back is drunken tirades about how awful everything is and I should count myself lucky (believe me, I do). I understand they are hurting, but really wish they could not do the comparison thing. My pain is old, but it’s still there.

so my advice really is to back off from these friends as nothing you can say will make them feel any differently. It’s about them, not you.

No I don't have friends like this.
I have a mixture of friends from my childhood some now live very far away - and also I have friends more local that I've met as an adult.

I've had a huge amount of support from them over the years going through having children, financial worries, career stress and divorce. I'd like to feel I've supported them through their issues too.

As a divorcee, I don't now look at my friends whom are married and feel jealous of them - or wonder about their financial situation either.

Some of my friendships have changed certainly, and it is usually when some sort of bitterness with barbed comments begins to sneak in.

One 'friend' in particular seems to think DH & I are loaded and have an easy life when in fact it's just not true. Our self-run business really struggled during covid and never really recovered (we weren't eligible for any sort of support except loans) whereas she and her husband got furlough/ full pay/ working from home through. Similarly prior to that I had been made redundant twice due to being unable to juggle caring for young family and coping with sick elderly parents and basically having a breakdown, but I chose not to tell anybody about that.

So it really annoys me when she trots out the 'you're so lucky' crap.

I think the problem is that in midlife everyone begins to reflect on their lives and what they've 'achieved' and its easy for regret to turn into bitterness.

@SisterAgatha if your friends know what your childhood was like and that you've struggled because of it, even if you're not struggling as much now, telling you that you should count yourself lucky sounds pretty offensive to me.

I can't stand that 'poor me, woe is me, you're so lucky you don't have my problems stuff' - how crass and self-indulgent. You sound very resilient. They could try taking a leaf out of your book rather than suggesting you're lucky!

@SisterAgatha "I wonder now she always enjoyed the difference in our circumstances."

I think this is definitely a thing between all sorts of friendships, female and male. Some people enjoy feeling superior and being able to pity their friends.

No. I have friends in all kinds of situations and of all kinds of incomes, relationship statuses etc. I think the happiest and sanest friend I have is single and childfree in her 50s, doesn't have much money, and about six months ago had her house badly damaged by a natural disaster, and will be out of it and renting for probably a year to come while the damage is established and repaired. To some people, my life looks a lot better than hers, but I think she is deeply grounded and cognizant of her own needs. She certainly doesn't envy me.

Yes I have two friends like this. I’ve cut them adrift. They seem to think if you have a partner you can’t possibly have any real problems. Both were married to rich men and divorced them. One has a permanent sense of entitlement and complains about everything. She can’t adjust to life without the things she took for granted. Lived on benefits for years after divorce. Has now got a job and complains all the time about not being able to take days off when she feels like it, doesn’t like her colleagues etc.

The other friend gave up her part time retail job in lockdown and is now living on very little money .
I have a lot of problems and issues to deal with but I have a partner and am fairly comfortable they are eaten up with resentment.

Thank you, I am very resilient and other friends have told me that my “capability” can mean that people forget where I’ve been before. It’s probably that I’m numb actually haha!

But this really is a them problem. It’s hard to make new friends as you get older too, so I can see the predicament and why people put up with friends like this. Cool on the friendship for a while x

Yes and I think it’s natural. A very old close friend now grates as a realise she’s actually very insensitive and unempathetic, despite being seen as a kind person (she always sends a birthday card type thing).

I also find it hard to be around friends who display jealousy that I have a good job and have worked hard/done well, when they have sat on their arses in the same job for 20 years.

The last nail in the coffin is when people who have tons of free grandparent childcare and general support with their lives (everything from financial support to holiday planning to Sunday dinner) moan about having to look after their own kids or how hard their lives are.

I do like my friend , but she is very bitter about how her life has panned out and likes to make so many digs at everyone , not just me.
I doubt I'd be the same with her , but it's almost as if they resent you for having the life you have when their one turned out so differently to how they imagined it would.
People having digs constantly is very draining
Best to distance yourself at times as it can eat away at your own self esteem I think.

I had similar with a now ex friend. Everything was great until her marriage broke down. Over the next 2 yrs she got more and more bitter and seemed to turn on me. Making sparky comments about how great my life is and slagging me off to mutual friends.

My life is far from perfect, and she knew that. Even when my own relationship broke down she was still making comments about how much harder she had it. She didn't. But it's not a competition.

I distanced myself in the end.

When someone isn't happy in their own life they can't be happy for anyone else. And once a friend turns on you, it's best to back away.