How do I deal with my mother?

[howdoo]

I am emigrating in three weeks time with DH and two DSs and we are very excited although obviously pretty busy. The thing that is starting to really get to me is that my mother has not bothered to call me in at least the last month to see how we are, see if she can help or, heaven forbid, if she could see her only grandchildren before we go!

Since my DSs were born (now 3 and 2), she has never offered to look after them or even asked to see them. When we see her, it is always because we invite them to our house or invite ourselves to theirs, which makes me feel like we are foisting ourselves on her. She is pleasant enough when we do see her and seems quite fond of the DSs but that is it.

The only time we have seen them this year is when they came to see my brother and his fiance to discuss their wedding and my brother invited us along.

I normally phone her around once a week but at the moment I feel like pushing it to see if she will actually pick up the phone.

The worst thing is I don't know if I'm just being ridiculous. Surely normal grandparents want to see their grandchildren, especially if they are moving to a different country??? I'm starting to feel really angry with her.

A couple of years ago I got really upset about this sort of stuff and wrote her a letter saying she obviously didn't love me but that I thought it was awful she didn't even want to see DS! (I was pregnant with DS2 at the time). We talked about it and she said she did love us but she just wasn't good at communicating it. But she still NEVER does anything to show it!!

Am I being stupid? If I call her (which I will), what shall I say??

God poor you

I am not best placed to give advice as i have ishoos with my mum too over the same thing.

I am now in a place where i wouldn't phone her tbh but it has taken 30 odd years to get to this point.

Bumping for some sensible advice xx

That must be really hard.
dh and I both have mothers who are like this and we live locally to them.

My best friend (I have known all my life) emigrated to New Zealand a couple of years ago and she felt like you approaching the big move.
Even though she knew her Mother loved her she couldn't believe why such difficulty showing it.
Her mother was actually hurting so much and feeling like she had lost her child so was showing it by refusing to talk or discuss holidaying there etc.
Now they talk loads because her Mother has taught herself how to use a computer to msn etc.

I'm the complete oposite to this kind of woman and probably wear my heart on my sleeve too much. I can express my emotions and love (maybe a bit too readily)

It's not "you" I promise.

I hate that phrase that mothers use when you say things like

"you know you are welcome to call/come round/visit/babysit etc"

"Oh I know but I don't like to impose"

"you wouldn't be imposing , would love to see you. The dd's would be so pleased.

" I like to be invited!"

so next time you pick up the phone and say

"would you like to (all the above) " giving loads of time to arrange or rearrange.

" Ooh no sorry but I'm out with Pat that day"

Good luck with your move- I'm quite jealous!!!!
Where are you going?

Unfortunately, just because she is a mother or grandmother it doesnt necessarily she is a good one, or comfortable in that role.

Very hard to give advice because you have to do what feels right for you but I do think that the old adage, you can't change anyone is actually quite true.

She probably does care but maybe you are not her first priority and she doesn't conform to the typical stereotype of the loving grandmother.

I took my DS to see my mother for the first time last year and she seemed not interested in the least. But then she was, and is, a crap mum and i've come to terms with the fact that she is not a "natural" mother or grandmother.

It does still hurt though... not sure that was any help but i hope you can keep things amicable and you have a wonderful new start in Oz.

That was meant to say
It's not you I promise!

I wonder if I can offer another perspective on this.

Before I start I agree that your mother does sound a bit cold. But my mum is the same and I know she loves us all enormously; her mother drove her mad interfering so she says she backs off for our benefit...

Anyway the other perspective is this: when someone emigrates, it is possible for those they are leaving behind to feel a bit rejected. That's a very self-centred way of viewing someone else's life-choice I know, but we are all self-centred sometimes. I know that part of me feels a small, irrational, hurt that my sister emigrated 20 years ago, not that I would ever let her know that of course, as I know it's wrong, but I doubt my feelings, daft as they are, are that unusual.

Do you remember ever leaving a job where you were friends with everyone and feeling sure you would stay in touch but finding that you had to make all the effort to keep in touch while they made none? Well that I think is the same thing - the leaving is a little rejection.

On another note, she may be wondering if she will ever see you again once you have emigrated and dreading that last final goodbye. I hate goodbyes now after all the emotional ones I have had over the years with my sister. Your Mum may even be thinking it will be less painful to avoid that scene completely - particularly if she is the apparently unemotional type who prides herself on holding it all together.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

BalloonSlayer, I do know what you mean and I know that if she was upset, she would make sure she didn't show it, but I think this is just lack of interest, not anger/resentment/secretly being upset. She has always been like this, way before emigration was mentioned. I also think, even if she is upset etc. with me, surely she would want to see her grandchildren?
MankyMummy, I think you have got it absolutely, we are just not her priority. She had a terribly neglected upbringing herself and I just don't think she's capable of being loving and giving. But it still gets to me.
I feel silly even thinking about it - so many people have mothers who are abusive, violent, alcoholic etc. Mine just did parenting by omission - never said she loved us, played with us, cuddled us or anything like that.
And of course my main worry is that I will, on any level, be a similar mother to my DSs - I would HATE for them to have to spend their life wondering if I loved them.

Hi Howdoo

I don't think you feel silly at all to be honest with you. Many people have such realisations when they become parents themeselves.

I would actually suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may give you a starting point. Your Mother doing parenting by omission was and is toxic parenting. Her own upbringing was the main factor behind how she behaved towards you as children and how she actually is now.

You may also want to read the "well we took you to stately homes" thread part 3. If you paste your original post on there you should get some replies that way too.