Ghosted, sad, don't know how to get over it or if I don't deserve to be this sad?

GhostedMcGhosted · 2024-02-26T22:16:00+00:00

Just that really. Ghosted by someone I really liked who I'd met in a city a while away from me. We met up approx 6x over the last year. Always had a nice time and not just sex, doing couple-ey things too. Communication with him was always a bit patchy but he's never stopped replying entirely before. I messaged him a normal chatty message updating him on how I was and asked how he was about a month ago... No reply. Messaged again yesterday, he read it and again no reply. I feel like I don't "deserve" to be as upset about this as I am, as we weren't a couple or anything. Don't have any mutuals so we will now be forever out of each other's lives. It just seems so final and I'm sad. I'd had a terrible time online dating prior to matching with him and the idea of going back on the apps makes me feel ill! However I feel very lonely and would like to meet someone at the same time. Anyone been in similar situation?

StasisMom · 26/02/2024 22:18

I don't really have advice, but I hope you see this is not on you. Delete and move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2024 22:19

I'm so sorry that's happened. I wonder if he has a girlfriend and is hesitant to tell you. Whatever the case, it's a crap way to end things when there was no reason to just cut you off.

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 22:23

It sounds like it was a just for fun thing and maybe he's in a relationship now so it wouldn't be appropriate for him to text.

Chances are you'll hear from him out of the blue somewhere down the line when he's single again.
Or, not single, but still looking.

Tbh it may be the case that he wasn't single already (hense the patch communication). You really have to vet guys these days. Even more so for fwb situations imo.

You like to think its just some nice, mutual thing you've got going. But a lot of these bastards are on ego trips and spin things in a way where they hurt you in order to feel like they're some extra desirable stud or some shit.

Whatever the case, no one but him really knows.

You have to decide what you want though. A fun time friend or a partner. Because any wiggle room and you're likely to get shafted...after you get shafted.

BunniesRUs · 26/02/2024 23:13

Aww you must feel so sad OP. That's a horrid feeling. I hope you feel better soon and find some even better in the future when you are ready again to look. He has lost out big-time x

Slowlylosingmymind123 · 27/02/2024 00:30

Your feelings are valid. I know what you mean by feeling like you don't 'deserve' to feel that way but this has hurt you and you are entitled to those feelings.
I have been in the same situation and it sucks.
I hope you feel better soon. x

Opentooffers · 27/02/2024 01:23

My advice is about half an hours drive away is a nice distance in case things go tits up, but close enough to form an actual relationship if that's what you want and see each other at least weekly.
Anything more than an hours drive is pretty pointless to form anything meaningful, so unless you want only casual ( in which case why bother with effort of travel anyway) then don't even bother chatting to people OLD so far away, its never going anywhere.
There's also a reason why men occasionally look further afield, and its not a good one - just a bit of interest on the side that nobody locally he sees needs to know about. If you do the travelling to the LDR man, it's really easy street for them. Now why does anyone put themselves through unnecessary angst from the start?

Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 13:34

Thank you for all these replies, I didn't read today because I was in such a state (!) and thought posters might be a bit harsh.

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Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 13:38

@Opentooffers I think your advice about a 90 minute drive is very valid and I will consider that going forward! I was quite happy to travel as where he lives is a much more liberal, nice place than where I am, so it was a like a nice mini-break for me when I visited. And I really didn't want him coming to me when it was only a FWB thing because of wagging tongues, didn't want my kids hearing their mum's been seen at the cinema or whatever with someone. I matched with him when I was in his city so he wasn't looking further afield but he might have been very happy when he found out I lived far away, I guess.

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Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 13:41

Slowlylosingmymind123 · 27/02/2024 00:30

Your feelings are valid. I know what you mean by feeling like you don't 'deserve' to feel that way but this has hurt you and you are entitled to those feelings.
I have been in the same situation and it sucks.
I hope you feel better soon. x

Thanks xx
It feels so stupid being this upset because we weren't partners or anything but he'd said he wasn't seeing anyone else and nor was I. My friends don't get why I am upset about someone I only met up with less than 10 times but when we did see each other it was intense (in a nice way, like we had a connection) and there was all the texting in between including on special days like Xmas, New Years etc.

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ClawedButler · 27/02/2024 14:09

Oh, I've been there and it was really painful.

Don't ever feel ashamed or bad about developing feelings for someone who turned out to be a flake. It says a lot about you being an open, trusting person, rather than bitter and cynical. It sucks to be the open, trusting person and sometimes we might wish we could be a bit more bitter and cynical, but don't let this guy change who you are.

There could be loads of reasons why he's not texting - as PPs have said, I suspect he's got a partner now. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why - he's not bothered enough to message you in over a month, so, sadly, you're clearly not a priority to him.

I hear you on the dating stuff - why go back into it if the thought fills you with dread? Give it a rest for a while - you can always pick it up again at a later date when you're feeling a bit more robust.

Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 14:48

@ClawedButler yeah I reckon he's got a "proper" girlfriend now, I just wish he had said. Although that would have been kind of upsetting in it's own way too as he might have told me in a really patronising way.

I do want a FWB but like a nice one? And not sure how to meet anyone apart from on the dating apps (not "the old fashioned way") as my social circle is very small and don't really know how else to meet a new fella. E.g. not through work as all my colleagues are women and can't meet someone through a hobby as don't have time for one as have young kids living with me a lot of the time.

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MzHz · 27/02/2024 14:54

30 odd years ago, pre satellites/mobiles/internet etc i was living abroad, 10 hour flight away. My mum said a guy had called me and left a message, so when I got back I rang him. Phone was answered - by a woman - and she said she'd go get him.

He never came to the phone.
I mean, what a coward! we were never 'an item',, so if he was in a serious relationship - hea was quite a few years older than me - good for him, I'd have been delighted for him.

but no. I took the hint.

HIS LOSS

@GhostedMcGhosted if this guy is ghosting you, better you find out now than when or if he ever was IMPORTANT ENOUGH to care about. He's not.

I know it's confusing, but he's the fool. You're a nice and kind person. YOU deserve BETTER

Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 14:55

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 22:23

It sounds like it was a just for fun thing and maybe he's in a relationship now so it wouldn't be appropriate for him to text.

Chances are you'll hear from him out of the blue somewhere down the line when he's single again.
Or, not single, but still looking.

Tbh it may be the case that he wasn't single already (hense the patch communication). You really have to vet guys these days. Even more so for fwb situations imo.

You like to think its just some nice, mutual thing you've got going. But a lot of these bastards are on ego trips and spin things in a way where they hurt you in order to feel like they're some extra desirable stud or some shit.

Whatever the case, no one but him really knows.

You have to decide what you want though. A fun time friend or a partner. Because any wiggle room and you're likely to get shafted...after you get shafted.

Thank you for your post.

I think he did like to think he was a bit of a studmuffin as he was very vain 🤣 but he would also do this "aw shucks why are you coming all this way to see me?" shtick because I was doing the one travelling and he made out like I was hugely out of his league and a lot younger than him when I objectively wasn't more attractive and there was only a few years (4½) in age difference - he is 42 and I am 37.

What worries me is how do you vet someone? As I only met one of his friends, early on, didn't really talk much, his friend just said he was happy to be meeting me. We don't have anyone in common who would be like a 'reference'. But 100% agree especially for FWB you really need to know waht they're really like. I can't believe it's been a whole year then he just dropped me like a teenager! 😢

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ShrubRose · 27/02/2024 15:01

"What worries me is how do you vet someone?"
It's a very good question. In some situations, the only way is to take what they do and say seriously. Not make allowances or brush it off. You say his communication was patchy. There could have been reasons for that - he has another woman, or several other women on the go, he's not an emotionally available person. The other thing to remember is that people are always at their BEST at the beginning of a relationship. If someone starts out by communicating in a patchy way, that's something to pay attention to.
As another poster commented recently, "A relationship should be easy, comfortable, and improve the lives of the partners."

Deebee90 · 27/02/2024 15:11

If it was a fwb then he can end it at any time. I’m guessing he’s met someone else. It’s a shame he couldn’t be honest and tell you but some men are cowards. I got ghosted last year and even though I’ve seen him around since I never got an answer from him . Delete his number and give yourself space

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 27/02/2024 17:41

I had this, it was really hard. We were arranging things and then he stopped replying. He still read. I reached out about a year ago but he didn't reply but read straight away.

I actually miss his company, his friendship, I miss the things we did, stupid little things like meeting up for coffee during the day,listening to him talk about his work(it's something I've always been fascinated in), his sport, etc. He helped me through a traumatic event so I know he's a good person (and others have said he is too). For whatever reason he thought just cutting off dead was easier.

All I can say is it gets easier.

Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 18:09

Deebee90 · 27/02/2024 15:11

If it was a fwb then he can end it at any time. I’m guessing he’s met someone else. It’s a shame he couldn’t be honest and tell you but some men are cowards. I got ghosted last year and even though I’ve seen him around since I never got an answer from him . Delete his number and give yourself space

Yeah I guess that's the thing with FWB, I think being ghosted makes it all seem so tawdry and at the time it didn't feel like that. As clichéed as it sounds, it really did feel "special" 😔 and I would have liked it to have continued for longer

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Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 18:11

ShrubRose · 27/02/2024 15:01

"What worries me is how do you vet someone?"
It's a very good question. In some situations, the only way is to take what they do and say seriously. Not make allowances or brush it off. You say his communication was patchy. There could have been reasons for that - he has another woman, or several other women on the go, he's not an emotionally available person. The other thing to remember is that people are always at their BEST at the beginning of a relationship. If someone starts out by communicating in a patchy way, that's something to pay attention to.
As another poster commented recently, "A relationship should be easy, comfortable, and improve the lives of the partners."

Edited

This is such an excellent post. His communication was all over the place; really intense messages especially at the start, then some which were just weird or cold. Or he wouldn't reply. I probably in hindsight should have run a mile especially as messages got worse over time but I really really liked him 🥴 feeling a bit silly now.

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ShrubRose · 27/02/2024 18:14

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 18:11

This is such an excellent post. His communication was all over the place; really intense messages especially at the start, then some which were just weird or cold. Or he wouldn't reply. I probably in hindsight should have run a mile especially as messages got worse over time but I really really liked him 🥴 feeling a bit silly now.

Show quote history

No need to feel silly. We've all been there! Got the t-shirt! And moved on.
You will too.

Pinkbonbon · 27/02/2024 18:27

By vet them I mean get online and snoop. Google them, use social media. And even, I say this because I've experienced it, if they say they don't have social media, search for say...their sisters name and check if he's on her friends list. Literally dated a guy with the fake surname swartzernager (so he couldn't be searched for) but found is profile through links from his sisters and guess what, he had a girlfriend.

Seriously if they say they don't have social media it's a potential red flag for me now. Even though, I don't have social media haha. But it basically means it's time to go full online snoop.

As for other vetting for fwb... theres red flags like they vanish for periods at a time then pop up again etc... Google something like 'how to spot if Im the other woman'.

Also, establish early on how they are with your boundaries. Say 'no' to things and see how they react.

Thisisnotmyid · 27/02/2024 18:30

Aw OP it’s shit isn’t it when it all just ends so suddenly without any explanation. You’re absolutely entitled to feel how you feel and as others have said we’ve been there too and felt the same. Unfortunately I can’t say it will be better in the morning but it will get better x

Porfirio · 27/02/2024 19:56

Maybe he died.

Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 20:27

Porfirio · 27/02/2024 19:56

Maybe he died.

Cheers for this helpful and kind comment 🙃

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Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 20:32

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 27/02/2024 17:41

I had this, it was really hard. We were arranging things and then he stopped replying. He still read. I reached out about a year ago but he didn't reply but read straight away.

I actually miss his company, his friendship, I miss the things we did, stupid little things like meeting up for coffee during the day,listening to him talk about his work(it's something I've always been fascinated in), his sport, etc. He helped me through a traumatic event so I know he's a good person (and others have said he is too). For whatever reason he thought just cutting off dead was easier.

All I can say is it gets easier.

That's awful. I really hate how ghosting is "a thing" now. I suppose people have always ghosted each other but it was different as there wasn't this constant messaging and stuff before we all had what'sapp and stuff.
I am constantly reminded of him by stupid stuff like the football results or certain types of music. It really sucks as it is like he is everywhere.
And your fella it seems like you had more of an actual relationship with so probably even worse. I am sorry that happened to you 💐

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Original poster

GhostedMcGhosted · 27/02/2024 20:39

Pinkbonbon · 27/02/2024 18:27

By vet them I mean get online and snoop. Google them, use social media. And even, I say this because I've experienced it, if they say they don't have social media, search for say...their sisters name and check if he's on her friends list. Literally dated a guy with the fake surname swartzernager (so he couldn't be searched for) but found is profile through links from his sisters and guess what, he had a girlfriend.

Seriously if they say they don't have social media it's a potential red flag for me now. Even though, I don't have social media haha. But it basically means it's time to go full online snoop.

As for other vetting for fwb... theres red flags like they vanish for periods at a time then pop up again etc... Google something like 'how to spot if Im the other woman'.

Also, establish early on how they are with your boundaries. Say 'no' to things and see how they react.

Edited

Oh god that's horrible finding out about a girlfriend! I don't know what is wrong with people why not just be honest if you want an open relationship. That is what gets me, the duplicity. I would consider a FWB in an open relationship much sooner than being someone's bit on the side or whatever.
I did see some of this guy's social media, he was quite locked down but he showed me his Facebook page and it all looked normal, not like he was married or something. I can only assume that he has found someone and is now monogomous with her hence ignoring me. It's just horrible as it is like the last year counted for nothing but it actually meant a lot to me and I miss our banter although as I say he was a bit hit and miss and not great at replying. But that was why I wasn't too worried when I didn't hear from him for a while as sometimes we would go a week or so without messaging. But never this long and never if I messaged him twice in a row x

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