Can you overcome emotional cheating? Long term relationship

[Ejmlpm]

Hey, I'm hoping someone may be able to help. This will be a long post so please bare with me. For some background me and my partner have been together for 18 years. We were 13 and 14 when we met and have only been intimate with each other. Apart from this occasion I have had no other issues with unfaithfulness for our whole relationship and I trusted him with my whole heart.

Last summer 23 my partner reconnected with a friend. I was very happy for him as he suffers from mental health and I really saw this as a good thing for him. Soon after his friends wife also came into our lives and we spent alot of time together as a 4. They connected with our children and it was lovely.

Fast forward to October and the other couple were having a lot of issues. Mostly health problems. My partner would always be there for them. At this point the male in the other couple was also having concerns about his wife's feelings for my partner. I however continued to believe they were just friends and whilst I do believe she was a bit needy. I trusted my partner and thought hes just someone she can talk to without fear of judgement

Moving on to December things got intense they were around my house alot. They still had there health issues and I was struggling with the social side of it. My partner would not prewarn if they were coming and he would frequently leave me to go to them and deal with their problems. this was taking its toll on me. I lost my appetite and me and my partner would argue a lot more. At this point I still didn't believe anything was happening but I didn't feel like a priority to him. I believe he loved them and their company more than mine and that it was them and me. To add more, looking back we had got stuck in a rut and I do believe we had feel out of love with each other. Our sex life was also non existent but i put this down to my partners health issues. But in my eyes we were comfortable and content and we knew no different.

During this time I openly expressed how I was feeling which is something as a couple we have not done in a long time. Our communication was awful. Whilst we argued frequently during this we started to develop a better bond and became happier again having talked out out feelings.

Then comes January. After 2 weeks of being the happiest I have felt in my relationship in a long time. I found out that my partner and the wife had been having what I'd call and emotional affair for 3 months. This was built on a friendship and developed into declaring there love for eachother and intimate messages and phonecalls. I was heartbroken. It was the betrayal of 3 whole months, it was the way he had been treating me so horribly. My partner apparently stopped the intimate messages when out relationship was building again. But the talks of feelings continued all the way until I found out. He said very hurtful things such as he would think about her when we were intimate and much more that really has knocked my confidence. Although he says this is untrue it was just something he'd say to continue their fantasy. According to them both there was never a physical relationship. Only talks of it.

So after all that I guess my question Is for anyone who has been through similar, Can I get over it? I decided to give him a chance as I felt I deserved to see if he can be that person for me. Like he promised. And whilst I can see how hard he's trying. It consumes my thoughts day and night. At the time he did seem truly remorseful. I'm just really not sure if I can forget. I feel my heart wants my family and my head tells me to push away.

If you got this far thank you for taking the time to read. Any advice for me on this. I'd really appreciate it thank you.

It would be highly unusual for people to declare feelings of love for someone where no intimacy had yet occurred, so I'd say you're being optimistic that nothing physical happened and he's lied about that.
How is it that you are only in your early 30's and yet have health issues to explain away various relationship problems? Are we talking MH here or are you a foresome of unusually unhealthy people for your age.

I wouldn’t get over it tbh. Betraying the person you have grown up with and has given you everything is a point of no return. I would ask him to leave. Actions have consequences and time for you to tey sth new in your life. You have been with him since 14.
As for her…she is equally responsible and should be ashamed of breaking down two homes. But the best revenge would be to tell her husband and you guys let them live their “love”. When the infatuation fades away they will really not like what they see.

It sounds very much like he's emotionally left your relationship already. I'd line up my financial and legal ducks and let them and her husband know that she's welcome to him but he'll be moving out and caring for the DC 50:50. He'll find out soon enough the grass isn't greener elsewhere.

I thought this. You can all only be 31-32. How are there so many health problems in a group of 4 people?!

Does her husband know? I'd be making sure he did. No one can tell you whether to stick it out or not, is he still in touch with the other couple at all? That would be a big no from me.
You can expect it to take up to 3 years to come to terms with a huge betrayal in a very long relationship like this, so it will get easier/better but it could be a long time before it does.
Does he understand what he has done to you OP? If you decide to stay then I really think you should consider counselling.

It's not just him she's has said the same. Tbh they wouldn't have had much opportunity to as I was almost always around them. Or the husband was there if I wasn't. But of course there's doubts but I can only go on what I've been told.

Yes that does sound bad doesn't it. I'm perfectly healthy 😂. My partner has mental health issues and chronic pain. The husband had a temporary illness. It was alot.

He says he understands and he has stepped up to his promises and my needs. He does say he didn't ever love her and it was attention and flattery basically. Never wanted a physical relationship was just caught up on the moment. but again I'll never know for sure.
Yes I think you're right. Counselling may be something to consider. I feel weak for trying again but of course this Is my whole life. Plus two children

He will do it again. And of course he would say all these things. He needs to save his ass from losing everything. Wife, finances, kids, home.

I'm sorry but he will deny everything that he said to her as fantasy or he didn't mean it. He will minimise it all. I expect there is more you will find out too.

How did you find out about it?

If you are in a position to leave you should. If you are not, you should improve your position until you can.

Your marriage is over. He fucked it and he fucked her. And he’s probably given you PTSD which is why you can’t stop thinking about it. Are you really willing to believe he is so moral he did not cross that line into physical cheating?

The chances are high you are in what’s known as a fake reconciliation. And if so the odds of him doing this again are very high. You can spend the next few years limping along and gaslighting and abandoning yourself but I wouldn’t advise it.

Somebody is going to come along and suggest you visit websites like surviving infidelity. Don’t bother. Infidelity recovery is a multi million pound business and you will gain nothing from learning how to manage the flashbacks, mistrust and trauma.

When he started this affair, he did a risk analysis. And he decided that it was worth it. Get rid of him. Keeping these men around is like keeping a dangerous dog.

Yes I agree. I have questioned him many times on this. He told me eventually, I'm not sure there is much more to find out. If they are both not admitting anything else it either never happened or it'll stay there secret forever. I guess I'll never know 🤷 the wife is also not going to risk her future relationship with her husband. She was brutally honest with the rest mind.

I don’t agree with everything @MrsDoubtfire24 has posted above but my god this statement is so true:

“When he started this affair, he did a risk analysis. And he decided that it was worth it.”

It's not so much that but the fact it may not have happened as I said before lack of opportunity. Either me of the husband were always around. My partner doesn't go out much for me to have not been suspicious of where he was for a period of time. All I know I can do is take what is put in front of me with the facts.

Yes I told him this also in so many words.

There is always opportunity. He probably took days off work or met her at lunchtime.

Have you ever fell in love with someone, had amazing chemistry, and felt close enough to send them intimate messages but you are so self controlled you’ve never kissed them , hugged them, and the rest? You already know he has poor self control.

As you said, you will never know. But you also cannot forgive if you don’t know what you’re forgiving.

An affair is much more than cheating. It’s a state of mind and a reflection of the whole of the marriage and it’s not what you think. The fact that he has felt confident enough to cheat on you, betray you and emotionally abuse you suggests that he has been taking more than he’s been giving for quite some time. And that type of selfishness eventually makes a person arrogant and often contemptuous.

You need to assess the whole marriage. How long have his needs come first? How long op, have you tolerated your discomfort and not communicated that you’re not happy while he tramples on you and does what he wants? I know from your post it’s been going on for a long time.

Time for things to change, whatever you decide.

As for the horrible things he said about you, running your partner down is an integral step into an affair. It can’t happen without it.

100%.

OP I see you are very happy he went to counselling and unfortunately you have bought into this. He has you where he wants.
The ONLY way you are going to make him come to his senses is to kick him out and realise this is not ok. As @MrsDoubtfire24 said he has obviously been walking over you for a long time and you haven’t realised. How did he even dare to think that it is ok to humiliate you this way? Because he thought “i ll tell her I ll do some counselling and she will buy into this. She is my doormat anyway”.

A few months down the line when the dust settles he will text her again. And a few years down the line he will have an affair with someone else.

Tell the husband of the wh@re and kick him out. Let them get what they deserve. Garbage. This is where trush belongs.

@Ejmlpm, your pain is palpable, and my heart goes out to you.

Your Partner brought these people into your lives and you both invested in the friendship. He then chose to weaken his boundaries for his friend’s Wife and betray you in plain sight. Friend spoke to you about their deepening connection in October, and by December P was creating distance between you to justify shifting his loyalty, focus and affection to OW. Although you reached out to reestablish your bond, he continued his infidelity and theft of your agency.

This is such a horrific betrayal, as they were making an utter mockery of you and her H by conducting their affair right under your noses — even bringing their intimate secrets and knowing glances into your children’s home. And his involving you in their depraved thrills was lower than low. His description to OW of degrading you by thinking of her during your intimacy is truly sickening, and apparently other debasements were uttered.

I absolutely would not stay with my H if he so deeply abused my trust and love.

Has P experienced any sharp consequences for his abusive actions that have injured you? Did you show him the door to give you space and time?

Be aware that relationship counselors estimate it taking 2-5 years to recover, and that is when a remorseful cheater is fully transparent and digs deep to explore his character deficits (manipulative, self-serving, weak boundaries, attraction to illicit gratification, rescuer syndrome, etc.) that enabled his lying, cheating, and trashing his family. Has P accessed IC or plugged into infidelity readings or websites?

Such minimizing lip-service as ’I didn’t really mean it. It was just a fantasy. I got caught up in the moment’ is pure damage-control manipulation from the Script that sets up a false reconciliation. And it’s bullshit, as there was no
‘in the moment.’ His agenda was calculated to marginalize you and prioritize OW during the affair and its build-up, which would have totaled longer than 3 months. Another indicator of his being a poor bet is your having to ‘ask and ask’ for details. Both responses after discovery show further entitlement and disrespect. I doubt that you have the full story, and that uncertainty added to your existing grief and shattered trust will be a highly corrosive combination that will rob your peace of mind.

Has P gone totally NC with OW? I hope you’ve informed her H of the truth so he can reclaim his agency, as you have.

Confide in trusted loved ones, and consider seeking IC for support and clarity as you navigate this trauma and make decisions.

Keep posting for our support, @Ejmlpm.

I truly feel for you OP. Its not easy..
For the past six months, I've often asked myself if I'm doing the right thing, with staying with my husband of many considerable years, after I found out he had been messaging a work colleague for around four months. It was all secretive and behind my back. It turned out the messaging went on longer five- six months.
He swears there was no physical contact and said he would have run a mile...etc
Fast forward six months to the day when I found out, it still hurts..I still grieve for my old marriage..
I still grieve for the old happy me.
It's not easy to walk away...
I hope your husband has learnt his lesson - I hope you find peace in whatever you eventually decide.