MIL obvious favouritism is really getting to me now

[Ginspirational]

I‘ll try and keep it brief. I swear I’ve tried to ignore it, move past it, enable solo visits etc but my MIL just favours my SIL DS over my DD, and it is awfully, painfully obvious.

Her DS is 3, my DD is about to turn 2. She says often that he is the reason she gets up in the morning. He sees her very much as primary carer and runs to her if sad, hurt, scared etc and not his mum (who just seems unfazed, but she is expecting her second now so is probably grateful for it).

She won’t ever tear herself away from him to make time for my DD and I could manage it for the first year because she didn’t understand, but now she runs to her with outstretched arms shouting nana, but she won’t put him down to greet her. My DD tries to hold her hand, and he says no/pushes her away and she just laughs and says oh dear ‘xxx’ doesn’t like that. At his 3rd birthday party he didn’t move from her lap and wouldn’t go with his mum to blow out his candles. He won’t let his mum take him to use the potty, it has to be nana. I know it’s an incredibly close and almost overbearing relationship but I wish she just made half the effort with our DD, but she doesn’t notice anything.

My DH thinks I should ignore it, that she has two parents who adore her, and it shouldn’t matter what her GP are like. But he sees it and often says ‘I wish my sister hadn’t come today, DD didn’t get a look in’.

I guess I have a few options.. I get together with DH and we speak to her, though he isn’t keen on that idea and it would obviously cause awkwardness, or we stop meeting up as a group and just encourage 1:1 meet ups, which feels petty.

Am I being over sensitive? It really upsets me and I don’t know why (there’s probably some childhood trauma surrounding all of this as I don’t have a relationship with my parents, and until our children arrived we were all a really tight knit group. Now it all just feels strained). I am also worried that a second addition on their side means there really wont be space for her anymore, which upsets me as she doesn’t have any other grandparents.

WWYD?

You need to protect your dd from this nonsense. It will really damage her self esteem if she is pushed out by nanna. She is clearly seeing it without understanding it.

Either you or your DH need to spell it out to his mother that it is unacceptable to treat dd this way. And if she doesn't change then you need to stop seeing her - especially with the other kids. No question.

It came to a head when we went on a family holiday last year and it was so awfully obvious that I just said ‘come on xxx, if nana won’t put xxx down then we will do something else’. She didn’t reply, or say anything to my DH, but she did make more of an effort for about a month. Then DSIL fell pregnant and was sick a lot, so she picked up the lions share of his care and we’re back to square one.

It does feel stupid and I absolutely don’t want my DD growing up feeling in any way lesser than her cousins. DH just has to take the lead and speak to her, or I’m going to have to.

Honestly just be glad that it's not your DD that she's favouring. It's incredibly unhealthy for him to be rejecting his mother in favour of his grandma. That level of intensity in a grandma/grandchild relationship is inappropriate and will cause problems for all involved as he gets older. It's trouble waiting to happen, trust me!!
You're best off with normal family relationships and boundaries. But saying that I would certainly protect your DD from the hurt and rejection this may cause her. I would keep her away as much as possible, and certainly not see them as a group.

It’s not at all petty to see MIL at a different time to SIL. Even if she didn’t play favourites, this allows concentration on one GC which is nice.

I came on to reply this. It's incredibly hurtful believe me I know. My MIL has a favourite grandchild and virtually ignores the rest of her grandkids including our 3 dcs. She used to spend most of her time telling us how much brighter, smarter more beautiful her favourite is. She once informed me that her other son was jealous of her favourite grandchild because his child ( similar age) was not as clever which actually was total nonsense. I sat there with my mouth hanging open in shock.

However it's not healthy and definitely not normal. I am so glad none of my kids are the her favourite because it comes at a price and it's not healthy. The have no unrealistic expectations placed on them and far less restrictions on them. They are also very close to us. The child suffers long term in situations like this. Focus on your DD and pull her back from this toxic situation it's only going to get worse and more unhealthy

I'd go for a more up front approach.
"MIL, can dd have a turn sitting on your knee now, she's feeling left out?".
"MIL, can dd sit next to you today at lunch. It would be nice for her to get your attention?".
"MIL, do you fancy taking dd to the playground next week. I think she'd really enjoy spending some quality one on one time with her granny"
Then after she does any of these go on about how important that was to dd/your family, must do more of it etc. Be relentless.

What is she like with your dd when sil isn't there with her ds? If she's kind and shows an interest I'd just keep visits to when sil isn't there and be honest about why. If she isn't that bothered when dd is the only child there I'd just go low contact but again I'd tell her why.

She sounds awful though, so I wouldn't be giving her loads of chances, it's not fair to your dd.

@Invisablepanic she’s really good with her when she’s 1:1 and that’s the thing I suppose, it’s so confusing for DD to get that lovely time with her to then be completely ignored when her cousin is there, and I just think it’ll cause resentment in the future.

She asks for her often and really loves spending time with her so I want to encourage that, but not the toxic environment when everyone is there. I’m leaning to just cutting group visits, and giving her 1:1 time with her cousin also, without MIL there. She will hate it, but it’s not good for anyone to continue the way we are.

MIL has 3 children, her youngest DS is the absolute golden child and he’s flying the nest now at 23, so I can only assume her intense focus and adoration of SIL DS is because of this.

I agree with every word of this. I'd prefer to be your dd than your nephew. A 3 year old shouldn't spend his birthday on his nana's lap. This is not a healthy situation.

I wouldn't be going on holidays with them again and would try to only visit when SIL and her family weren't there. It is a shame but MIL has created the situation (and SIL is letting it happen). Just saw your last post - you are right to put the visiting into "lanes" so MIL and your dd can actually interact and your dd and her cousin can interact.

Why en courage DD to fuss over GM. Just leave it - I would be surprised if this changes. The first grandchild is often favoured . I would be visiting less often. Dd has loving parents - socialise with friends more than family.
She has a golden son - that doesn’t say much for her to start with.

Bluntly, she may prefer boys to girls.

My mum was exactly like this. I just had it out with her. It was very awkward, but she took our opinions on board, and everything was good going forward!

My MIL is like this. I would definitely encourage just having one on one time with your dd so she isn't having to fight for attention. Unfortunately we haven't been able to resolve the situation. As our dd grew up we had to have some conversations explaining that it was nothing to do with her but unfortunately that's just how her grandmother is. She now has very little relationship with her and doesn't look to talk to her. It's sad but it's a choice MIL made and our dd now at least doesn't face rejection all the time like she did when she was younger and tried to have a relationship with her.

I don’t think you are being over sensitive OP. We have a similar family situation and it’s makes me angry on my dcs behalf. I agree with other ops and from own experience - you wouldn’t want to be the enmeshed party! Be thankful you have a normal family unit, it’s actually very dysfunctional to live like your mil and sil do!

Honestly, speaking to her won’t change a thing. Either go very low contact with her, and/ or see her in situations where you know that the other grandchildren won’t be there (see the MIL and the cousins separately).

You may find that the dynamic changes once the next grandchild arrives (this sounds like too much of an intense relationship to be too sustained), in the meantime though just keep your DD out of it as much as possible. Your response when she was there sounds perfect, so if you do have that situation again try similar “oh DD I think nana is too busy for a cuddle, come and have a hug with me instead, I’d love a hug.”

That’s awful behaviour.

I would definitely do 1:1.