How do you know when you don't love someone anymore?

[Nameschangedagain]

Just that really.

Nothing bad has happened, no one has cheated or hurt the other. My feeling just seem to have changed and I'm not sure if I love him anymore but how can I know for sure?

I think love changes as a relationship grows. I will honestly say that there are times when I know my dh loves me more. There are times when I love him and times I feel in love with him. I know it sounds stupid but there’s times we have felt more like roommates who co parent and then there’s times when we feel like a proper couple. Nothing has happened to cause it, it’s just how life goes I guess, things pop up and busy life takes over.

If you don’t feel happy anymore, if you feel they annoy you and you’re happier on your own than with them then to me it suggests the relationship is over. If you dread spending anytime with them because there’s only silence between you then it’s either time to work on the relationship or end it.

For me, I 100% know for sure when I can’t stand them touching me, and I don’t see my future with them anymore. That’s when I know there is no way back. There is an overwhelming sadness that accompanies it as I know my life will be about to change in a big way, it’s a sign the mourning process of the relationship has begun, and a countdown to a conversation I might not be ready to have.

Simple. Write a list. On one side you write down what you love about them then on the other you write down all the things you can’t stand. If their only qualities are like great father, good cook for example it isn’t substantial enough you need more than that. Effort is a two way street if you want to make it work then write down what you think would be beneficial ie excellent communication we set aside meal times to discuss our day if he isn’t on board don’t flog a dead horse.

Apathy.

If you’re feeling apathetic then I don’t think it’s love anymore.

Many long, very successful relationships experience the coming and going of a feeling of love.

It could be a sign that you need to attend to your relationship or yourself and to invest in both to get to a clearer place. If every relationship had to end when the feeling of love stopped then there would be no long term relationships.

Love is not an unchangeable thing. It grows and changes as we grow and change. Loving someone is partly a choice and a commitment. No honeymoon period lasts forever.

But if you want out - that's another thing altogether but I'm not sure if that's what you are asking.

www.estherperel.com/podcast

Esther Perel is a huge help if you want to understand what might be going on in your relationship. I think she's an incredibly valuable guide in how we might look at the dynamics of love.

You can still love someone and not want to be in a relationship with them anymore.

I think this is what I feel. Can't stand touching, can't see a future (he was talking about moving house and having another baby but I just can't imagine it with him).

He's been putting in a lot of effort recently, buying flowers and planning date nights and it just makes me feel guilty because I just keep thinking about how I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore. I can't even give a reason for why.

Thank you I checked this out and listened to my first pod cast! Dynamics of love are so complicate and confusing at times x

Secondstart, I'm glad you like her work, I am a huge fan of Perel.

Listening to her podcast - I recognize my own attitudes very frequently and the desperation to blame our other half for all manner of our own stuff.

What I have seen IME over time is couples getting so lost in each other and thinking that an issue is all the partner's fault. Over time and after getting through a breakdown or relationship problem we can often see that we blamed our other half for our own unresolved issue. Not always but it's very common.

Of course there are relationships dealing with abuse - I'm not talking about those at all.

For me it was when the thought of him with someone else was a good thing. It meant I was off the hook and free.