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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband prefers chatting to my friends?

15 replies

littlemissoverthinkit · 25/02/2024 19:25

An old friend came up in the holidays and for the first two days, my husband mostly exclusively chatted to her, to the point that I couldn't get a word in edgeways. I know he gets on well with her, and she is lovely and a chatty person, too, but I felt like a third wheel, like the friend was his friend and not even mine. I would ask him to help with our children's things, like getting them ready for the day, and he would shrug it off and just stay seated and chat with my friend. I did all the cooking and cleaning, running around the house after the kids while he sat ignoring me and chatting to my friend for hours. He's usually very touch-feely but didn't touch me at all while my friend was here, and I found that really strange. I did talk to him about it in the end, as it felt so bad I just wanted to sit somewhere and cry. He said he was just trying to make her feel welcome, to which I said I was sure he had, but surely his focus should be on not isolating me, him looking after his kids, getting their teeth and faces clean, and doing any kind of helpful work around the house. I just felt like I was the hired help. I asked him how he would feel if an old friend of his came over and I behaved as he had, but he didn't really respond to that.

I realise he tends to do this when I have friends over, and he comes into the room and dominates the conversation, and I get fed up. Where I could be building relationships with new playdates and finding out news from an old friend, instead, I'm sat listening to him going on and on. I tend to put up with it as I know he doesn't have many friends and loves chatting with people. He does it all the time, though, I've noticed he doesn't bother with my less attractive friends. This recent time, I felt like I was totally invisible, and although he says it wasn't his intention, surely he must know that he was completely ignoring me for hours and hours.

I've been fairly distant since this happened, and I don't know how I feel about him. I never thought he was the kind of man/husband who would ever ignore me like that or make me feel so invisible. I'm considering suggesting counselling as we do have other relationship issues. I guess I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are, am I being unreasonable? Is it normal that he'd behave like this and I'm just overreacting? At the moment, I just feel like he's not the man I thought he was, and I know it's silly over such a small, almost non-eventful thing, but being made to feel barely acknowledged and not touched at all when usually he would be all over me has made me question our relationship. I'm left thinking, is he only into me, as there's usually no one else around in our lives? If we had a bigger friend circle and more female friends around, would he do that all the time? We have such an established life together and the way I feel about him after has thrown me.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2024 19:29

There are so many issues here. So so many that you are not overreacting. I can't imagine DH acting like this and if he did I'm not sure what I would do. TBF I would have insisted on him doing half the chores with the kids even if he shrugged.

What did your friend think of all this? Mine's would have shown him his arse.

Secondstart1001 · 25/02/2024 20:59

Your friend should not have entertained your husbands shitty and unloyal behavior. Keep her away next time, she should have at least been helping you even if she was a guest and not helping herself to your husband! But your husband is more to blame and him not touching you is odd! So sorry, you must have felt so low and isolated x

Berosey54432 · 25/02/2024 21:01

Probably an unpopular opinion but sorry I think it’s more your own insecurities if you are already having issues then I think this type of behaviour he is displaying is heightening how you already feel. Perhaps he felt like they connected in a such a way that he wanted to continue the conversation most likely totally innocent if like you say he doesn’t have many friends and likes chatting it certainly sounds like he took the opportunity… from his point of view you rolled over and allowed it to happen whilst going about the day cooking, cleaning and seeing to the children so he probably didn’t think it was such a big issue. If it was me I would have said something like “… is here to spend time with me you know” in front of the pair of them or scheduled the majority of the time outside the home during the visit, arranged it for when he was at work.

IfIwasrude · 25/02/2024 21:03

Completely inappropriate and rude of him.

CharmedCult · 25/02/2024 21:08

Completely out of order on his part but I don't understand why you and your friend didn't go out once or twice and leave him at home with the children.

You shouldn't have to but you need to move your friendships to outside of your house for a while so he can't butt in with his obnoxious overbearing manner.

MumDaisy1980 · 25/02/2024 23:09

I went out with similar man before . Like it’s my friend but ended up as of his friend and I left nothing to say. It’s unmatched and that’s why he became a history.

yes if you don’t like the situation , go meet ur friend alone instead . A physical barrier.

as you said it happened to your husband before so seems like it’s the way he is. Rather than ask him to change , do things different at your end to make you comfortable.

Blackcats7 · 25/02/2024 23:13

Be wary. My ex husband had an affair with my best friend and it was only in hindsight that I saw all his helpful friendliness to her as what it really was.
Hope I am wrong for your sake.

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 25/02/2024 23:16

Dont invite friends home. A lot of men are like that - they mean nothing but at times things can get out of hand. Therefore, no friends at home or short visits and stop those as well if it does not feel right

LuckyCharmz · 25/02/2024 23:18

Why didn’t you speak up at the time?

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/02/2024 23:30

I have met men like this. I've been round to friends' houses when the husband settles down for a bloody good chat and after a while I'm just thinking oh fuck off and let me talk to your wife.

I think the way his behaviour changed when your friend came round is very telling. I don't think you should have to only meet friends out of the house but if he can't let you have a friendship, then I think that's what you have to do.

MariaLuna · 25/02/2024 23:47

He's more interested in your friend.

Sorry.

Wouldn't put up with that.

RandomForest · 25/02/2024 23:51

She's not a good friend.

And he's not a good husband.

Of course they will both plead ignorance.

You won't forget this.

Happy retribution.

TheSlantedOwl · 25/02/2024 23:54

Sounds like he has shit boundaries, thinks a lot of himself, and may be attracted to this friend.

All in all he sounds like a dickhead.

Takenoprisoner · 26/02/2024 00:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2024 19:29

There are so many issues here. So so many that you are not overreacting. I can't imagine DH acting like this and if he did I'm not sure what I would do. TBF I would have insisted on him doing half the chores with the kids even if he shrugged.

What did your friend think of all this? Mine's would have shown him his arse.

Yes to this
I would have snapped at him to get the kids ready. How was he at bedtime, did you not have a conversation about this disrespectful behaviour?

This might sound extreme, but sounds like he might be an attention seeking narcissistic person? I have some experience of this, ex taking over with my friends and family.

Jewel52 · 06/06/2024 13:53

TheSlantedOwl · 25/02/2024 23:54

Sounds like he has shit boundaries, thinks a lot of himself, and may be attracted to this friend.

All in all he sounds like a dickhead.

Superbly put and bang on! Bet you’re a great mate to have 🤣

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