Grandparent favouritism

[Brownsaucee]

Wondering how to deal with favouritism to one or a couple of grandchildren from a grandparent.

My Dad was pretty awful growing up. I was born after my parents struggled to conceive and then shortly after I was born, my mum miraculously fell pregnant again with twin boys. All my dad's dreams came true as really, he only ever wanted sons. My dad never really knew me at all. He ensured that my brothers did martial arts, football, rugby- all the masculine sports and I never got taken to do any hobbies at all despite desperately wanting to dance. He took a massive interest in their friends and their dads who he also socialised with but he didn't even know who my friends were.

My parents grew apart primarily because of all this, my mum was controlled by my dad and made to become a part of the boys hectic lifestyles as he couldn't manage all the taxi-ing around, but she resented him and always made more effort with me than my dad ever did. Even now, as an adult he will ask me whether I want coffee or tea when I see him and I have to remind him that I've never drank either. He however is still close to my brothers. My mum left my dad when I left home at 19 and she remarried. He always favourited my brothers, always defended my brothers, always saw me as a pain.

I was the first to have children and have three girls- my dad appeared to dote on them at first, but then my nephews came along. I don't see my dad regularly for obvious reasons. We are poles apart. But I have to see him for family gatherings etc. My brothers have three boys between them now, born a couple of years after my third girl and the difference in the way my dad treats them is stark. I was watching back videos from Christmas today and I realised that my dad's eyes are all on the boys as they are opening gifts from him. My daughter is trying to hug my dad and thanking him for her gift but he's completely ignoring her and asking the boys is they like their gifts, staring hopefully at them for postive reactions. Watching it back breaks my heart a little as I was that young girl being ignored by my dad like that. I never want my children to feel the way I felt.

Then on Friday, we went to my brothers' for their birthday and my dad was chatting about things him and the boys have been doing together and my children barely have any relationship with my dad at all in comparison. He does nothing with my kids. Although I have partly orchestrated that and kept a distance. Everything that the boys did was funny, my dad gushing about how intelligent they are, but again, no acknowledgement about the girls or anything they say or do. These visits where my dad is present with the wider family are only maybe 4-5 times a year, but it hurts all the same. I want my children to feel worthy and valued and equally important to males and my dad is potentially causing them to feel the opposite.

I spoke to my dad about this about 6 months ago and explained how this is coming across, I also told him this is how he made me feel growing up and he genuinely apologised. However it's like his self awareness is limited and it has continued.

How do I manage this moving forward without going no contact?

Your brothers were the golden child(ren) because of their sex so it came as no surprise to me that their kids would be preferred over yours. I suspect that even if they had girls, their children would be preferred to yours. It’s not fair but you were naive to think that things wouldn’t pan out like that. (Past behaviour is the best indication of future behaviour)

Your realistic choices are to see your dad when your brothers and their children aren’t there or accept that you and your DDs aren’t as important to him. It sounds like he isn’t capable of changing if he isn’t trying to even fake it after you pointed things out.

I don't think I was naive, I always feared that history would repeat itself it's knowing how to deal with it that is the issue. Also, as I had my children first it wasn't an issue at all. It's only clear since the boys have come along. I think you're right that not spending time all together is the answer though if I can try to avoid it. I just know that my dad will be invited to things by my brothers so I don't have a lot of control over it sometimes.

What is he like with them if you visit or plan days out just you and your family? If you’re choosing to not see him regularly he won’t develop a relationship with your daughters. If your brothers are inviting him to things he will see more of their boys and be closer to them. Maybe you need to take the initiative and invite him to an excursion with you. He may not feel confident or have a clue as to what girls like doing so won’t initiate, boys he is more familiar with for obvious reasons and if he sees then more he’ll know what they’re interested in.

My dm prefers boys and I eventually got her to admit this.
My db is the golden dc and dm adores him even though he rarely bothers with her.
Dm didn’t bother much with dd growing up but my dd adores her grandmother and eventually wore her down. She was the only dgc to invite dm to her graduation. She now invites dm to stay with her and the baby if her dh is away.
In old age my dm has done a u turn and annoys my siblings by constantly praising dd to them. 🤣

Just be vigilant but don’t worry too much. Dc are resilient.
My dd never seemed to notice but she’s a force of nature.

I don’t think it’s fair to attack the OP as naive. She was treated abysmally by her very stupid father and it is hard, as a victim of treatment like that, to look at the bigger picture objectively.

It isn't about being naive at all. I'm in not too dissimilar a situation and I've had to reframe my thinking. It was painful for you, he is a dick. But he also isn't important anymore. It sounds like you still want his validation (although I'm pretty sure you are kick ass awesome without it), but don't burden your kids with needing it. He is irrelevant, they need your love. That's all. By seeking his approval, you are making them sit a test that they don't need to sit. Just walk away.