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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help!! Guy I’m being exclusive with stood me up and ghosted me

34 replies

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 18:00

we Have been dating exclusively and agreed to closed our doors. It’s been 3-4 months that we’ve dating. Everything went well except This week a lot of thing has been changing suddenly from him and things started to get weird since. Firstly, He used to has his Snapchat location on but on Tuesday he decided to off it. I didn’t thought much about it until things started to shift strangely. We used to chat everyday until Thursday or Friday he just suddenly stop checking me up. So I took the initiative to send him a text selfie and he replied with a selfie back. Judging from the picture, it seemed like he had just came back from a dinner and drinks with his friend as he was wearing a proper shirt. On Saturday I thought we were going out as we made plans last weekend which he invited me to have a night out with his colleague but IVe Waited the whole Saturday and receive no updates or any text from him. I felt it was suspicious so started to send a text to him on 9pm asking I thought we were supposed to go out etc. On 11pm I received his response- I was shocked that he has forgotten or pretended he didn’t know about it. So i decided to show my friends the responses he gave me, they thought the was he replied was rather childish or immature. He did not even aplogise but seems to be ignorant about it- pretended he didn’t know anything that he planned with me. I was devasted, I knew he was out with his colleagues on Saturday as judging from the text he replied to me- he sounded tipsy as he usually don’t respond in such way. I know his tipsy behaviour, he always acting weird when he goes out drinking with his mates (judging by his text&videos he sent to me when he’s out and being tipsy)
I was super mad and I acknowledged to him how upset I was and how bad he treated me such way. He then responded “are you angry” instead and there was nothing else more. I’ve tried to sleep and suddenly woke up and felt something was going on. My gut feeling has told me to check on his Instagram which I later did. Bingo- his following increases. There’s 2 new girls he has followed. One has a public profile so I managed to check on her story anonymously. I was shocked and trembled when I found out there was a girl I didn’t know in the video of them having a party/out. From the video showed my guy drinking in a group of his colleagues, sitting beside him was two girl. I wasn’t worried about the other girl as she has a boyfriend but I was shocked to find out this girl next to him. (FYI we are both expats from differnt country living in this city and he is actually from Scandinavia.) so I stalked the girl whom was being tagged in the Story and found out it was his friend coming from the same country. Apparently she was only visiting as I stalked her profile shes def not living in our city. From this findings, I made a realisation that he did not informed me at all about having his friend from home country visiting our city and that he’s gonna show her around. I thought we were supposed to be honest with each other and opened up. But he did not text me at all in the weekend which I felt odd. He did not even invited me to this birthday party of his colleague but instead inviting her, knowing that everyone in the group doesn’t knows her except my guy. Through the night, I’ve thought it puzzled up why he’s been hiding his Snapchat location- he’s probably thought I wouldn’t like it that he went out with his colleagues without inviting me or telling me about it or that maybe there was something that was gonna happened between him and this girl- that he may be staying at his hotel spending time with her so that his location wouldn’t showed. I started to felt paranoid having thoughts about this as I felt betrayed and maybe he had something to hide as I wasn’t inform about him going out, and that I was also not informed that our plans was canceled plus I was not informed there was this female friend of him coming to visit our city. I started to seek opinion of what happened from my mates- all of them thought the same possibilities that the girl might be his ex. But I didn’t thought much and see her as a friend who just visiting. It was super strange that he only started to changed this week as he didn’t care to ask how I was or didn’t made the effort to talk to me. I was feeling panic so texted him again that I felt upset about how he has responded me in such way and forgot about our plan and Asked if he has anything to say to me. Also told him we need to have a talk and if he would be available on Sunday. He responded the next day which was today (sunday) at around 11.30am telling me sorry that he was out with his colleagues and that he actually cares for me and agreed to meet up for a talk. We then decided to set a time and location for it and he agreed with it. At around 1pm he then went to a boozy brunch in ritz Carlton hotel, judging from his Instagram story that he posted. I was surprised he went out again with his friend on Sunday as he would usually stay in on Sunday after a night out. So when the times come, I’ve informed him that I’ve arrived. He has read my message but did update me anything. I was waiting for him for 1.5h in the bar and realised he did not showed up. I called and texted him and he only opened up my messages and did not reply. I then realised I’ve got stood up. I was feeling confused and upset as I knew he’s not this kind of person who would treat people like that. I wanted to cry but I endured it. I kept texted him but he just ignored my messages. I don’t know what’s going on. Can someone gives a third party opinion of what might happened? Do you think he was spending time with this scandivian girl from his home country? Do you think they had something on together? Do you think he has lost feeling towards me and fell for this girl so decided not to show up?
my friends didn’t expect he would behaved this way and was shocked and angry when they heard my incident. Apparently everyone told me to move on but it is hard since we have been exclusive and suddenly he just cut me off or ghost me like that? :(

I felt very broken. Do you guys
think I would get a real explanation or reply from him? Or do you think we are done?

I know I don’t deserve this so I’ve sent him a text day we are done. But I know if a guy truly likes you he would find out ways to make effort to win me back. But judging from my incident, do you guys think he would?

thing happened so fast and I really don’t understand how he could change suddenly and treated this way. I really want a brutal honesty from him so that I could be able to move on. :( and especially that we are being in a exclusive relationship.
any two cents or advises from you guys?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2024 18:19

It's all very intense isn't it...

If I were him i would have taken that 'let's meet to talk' to mean I'm dumped. So I can understand why he didn't bother showing up.

In your mind this seems even more shitty because I think you thought this thing was more than it was to him.

Agreeing to be exclusive is for that period after a few dates but before you make it official. It's an in-between land. If you're still there at 4 months in...chances are he's just not that into you.

If he hasn't called you his partner, you're not.

Its 'still deciding' territory.

Now that doesn't mean what he's potentially been up to is ok of course. But you do seem a little... full on. Maybe he knew you'd overreact to him showing a girl mate from back home around.
(Assuming that's what was going on).

Would I expect my partner to tell me he's going on a night out and who with...probably, in passing (not always a necessity though). Someone I was just seeing though, no.

I think you thought this meant more than it did. He could have been decent and ended it face to face but, he chickened out.

I'd advise you to block his number and move on.
You're obviously just an option to him. So, don't be one.

Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2024 18:23

Ps:

Get out of the mindset of 'he would make an effort to win me back'.. um hello, he literally just stood you up. Who cares if he tries to win you back? He's still an arsehole. He stood you up for his own selfish reasons and if he wanted to win you back it would be for the same. Not for genuinely being sorry or caring zbout you. Because he doesn't.

Relationships should be easy, comfortable and make both your lives happier. If they don't then they are not worth pursuing.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 25/02/2024 18:26

He's a cowardly arsehole! That's a terrible way to treat someone whether you've lost interest or they're being 'full on' or not. For the record, I don't think you were, I think you were hurt and confused by his sudden switch in behaviour. You'll never get a straight answer out of him because he's a coward.

DreadPirateRobots · 25/02/2024 18:28

I tl;dr-ed somewhere in the middle of that block of text drama, but long story short, he's not very nice, he's not that into you, good you found out now. Block, grieve, move on.

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 18:34

Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2024 18:19

It's all very intense isn't it...

If I were him i would have taken that 'let's meet to talk' to mean I'm dumped. So I can understand why he didn't bother showing up.

In your mind this seems even more shitty because I think you thought this thing was more than it was to him.

Agreeing to be exclusive is for that period after a few dates but before you make it official. It's an in-between land. If you're still there at 4 months in...chances are he's just not that into you.

If he hasn't called you his partner, you're not.

Its 'still deciding' territory.

Now that doesn't mean what he's potentially been up to is ok of course. But you do seem a little... full on. Maybe he knew you'd overreact to him showing a girl mate from back home around.
(Assuming that's what was going on).

Would I expect my partner to tell me he's going on a night out and who with...probably, in passing (not always a necessity though). Someone I was just seeing though, no.

I think you thought this meant more than it did. He could have been decent and ended it face to face but, he chickened out.

I'd advise you to block his number and move on.
You're obviously just an option to him. So, don't be one.

If that’s the case. Should I have mentioned it clarifying that I just need a talk to clarify things or doubts that I have in mind. So that he didn’t get chickened out?

to be honest I just wanted to meet him out and talk and if we had any issues I would suggest to work it out for both of us. Never thought of ended things :(
what a sad outcome. Probably he knew he did something wrong and he chickened out?

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 25/02/2024 18:36

Just ignore and block. Why would you want to be with an arsehole who doesn't actually care about you? He is quite happy to stand you up and probably can't believe you're still trying to stay in contact with him.

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 18:37

Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2024 18:23

Ps:

Get out of the mindset of 'he would make an effort to win me back'.. um hello, he literally just stood you up. Who cares if he tries to win you back? He's still an arsehole. He stood you up for his own selfish reasons and if he wanted to win you back it would be for the same. Not for genuinely being sorry or caring zbout you. Because he doesn't.

Relationships should be easy, comfortable and make both your lives happier. If they don't then they are not worth pursuing.

I don’t know why but deep down I had a hope that he would turn around cuz it was very strange he just changed his personality out of all sudden. But I guess not anymore:(

OP posts:
Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 18:39

whatsappdoc · 25/02/2024 18:36

Just ignore and block. Why would you want to be with an arsehole who doesn't actually care about you? He is quite happy to stand you up and probably can't believe you're still trying to stay in contact with him.

Tbh he used to text me everyday and asked me about my day but this week, he’s stopped caring & changed his behaviour . I was very shocked when I found out I got stood up, I hope he could give me an explaination at least :(

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 25/02/2024 18:42

You shouldn't have to talk about relationship 'issues' until you have been together for about 5 years! Men like him don't want to have to explain their actions (they can't) because it's just them selfishly having no regard for your feelings.

Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2024 18:46

I don't think he changed his personality, he just stopped being on his best behaviour.

At a few months in, guys don't want to meet and have scary talks about 'clarifying doubts'. Thats: far too intense.

Can you imagine, you think you're just a few months into something new and fun and suddenly she wants to meet in a date environment to 'talk' or discuss relationship 'issues' or things she isn't happy with regarding your behaviour.

Can't really blame him for noping-out of that. Even if he did it in a bastardly, coward way.

Anyway, decent guys let you know where you're at and where you stand so that you never develop these doubts in the first place. You never have to have uncomfortable clarifying conversations about where you stand with them.

Or how their behaviour has been inappropriate.

Now perhaps he has done you dirty.
You have every right to feel hurt. You also have a right to call people out on hurtful behaviour. But generally speaking...at 4 months into seeing someone...it's not worth the drama. And if this is happening already, in what should be the easy honeymoon stage...it provably doesn't bode well for staying with them.

Life's too short.

Indifferentchickenwings · 25/02/2024 18:56

He’s a proper nasty arsehole
thats all I can say

if someone did this to me I’d be very hurt

I’d also delete their contact and block them a from my line of vision , seeing them from
a distance will hurt More

he might resurface when he wants a shag

don’t let him
onwards and upwards you deserve better treatment

Dotdashdottinghell · 25/02/2024 19:08

Didn't you post this exact thing a few weeks ago? Reads so familiar, the story, the SPAG, all of it.

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:18

Nope! This is my first time posting it and it only happens today 26/2

OP posts:
Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:24

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:18

Nope! This is my first time posting it and it only happens today 26/2

Sorry 25/2

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 25/02/2024 19:27

He's not worth the hassle, the upset or the confusion.

Block him, learn from it and move on.

You don't deserve to be treated like that. Keep your head high and your standards even higher ❤️

theduchessofspork · 25/02/2024 19:32

This is a lot of over analysis OP. How old are you?!

Next time if you think you have a date, check in during the day, not in the middle of the evening.

Anyway, in this case he isn’t interested, so block and move on. He sounds like a complete knob.

MyLovelyPurse · 25/02/2024 19:36

Relationships should be easy, comfortable and make both your lives happier. If they don't then they are not worth pursuing

This exactly. Relationships which are complicated early on never, ever work out. I know there are lots of romantic films and books where there are complications and misunderstandings before everything works out well. But that really is not the way it is in real life. He was interested and now he's not. It's a shame but that's the way it is and you have to move on now.

Opentooffers · 25/02/2024 19:40

I'd say stop texting him now. It sounds like you have texted him a lot, and he has ignored a lot. Give it up, it doesn't look good. He first invited you, then took out his female 'friend' instead and left you hanging. He's probably been communicating less with you over the week as he's been chatting to her and making arrangements. Just leave it, he's not been honest so far and there's no point trying to drag stuff out of him. Now is the time to block and move on.

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:42

MyLovelyPurse · 25/02/2024 19:36

Relationships should be easy, comfortable and make both your lives happier. If they don't then they are not worth pursuing

This exactly. Relationships which are complicated early on never, ever work out. I know there are lots of romantic films and books where there are complications and misunderstandings before everything works out well. But that really is not the way it is in real life. He was interested and now he's not. It's a shame but that's the way it is and you have to move on now.

I really don’t get how he could lost interest that instant. We had a great valentine last week and literally this week everything changed- he just treated me like that, like I’m nothing

OP posts:
ThisHonestQuail · 25/02/2024 19:46

Sorry to read this OP! I was ghosted after several months and it was awful. My only advice would be to call him out on it and say what you need to get off your chest before you block him!

Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:47

Opentooffers · 25/02/2024 19:40

I'd say stop texting him now. It sounds like you have texted him a lot, and he has ignored a lot. Give it up, it doesn't look good. He first invited you, then took out his female 'friend' instead and left you hanging. He's probably been communicating less with you over the week as he's been chatting to her and making arrangements. Just leave it, he's not been honest so far and there's no point trying to drag stuff out of him. Now is the time to block and move on.

I like your points about the reason why he’s been less communicative. This sounds very reasonable. Thanks for helping me to see clearly

OP posts:
Lullaby321 · 25/02/2024 19:51

ThisHonestQuail · 25/02/2024 19:46

Sorry to read this OP! I was ghosted after several months and it was awful. My only advice would be to call him out on it and say what you need to get off your chest before you block him!

I really wanted to do that! But I don’t think he would actually cares anymore if I call him out and says whatever I want to.

seeing that he just opened my chats while I was in the bar waiting for him. I was having benefit of doubts that he could be tipsy but now I don’t think he is, it seems like he’s done putting this work

OP posts:
ThisHonestQuail · 25/02/2024 19:57

No he won’t care, but if it makes you feel better then do it!

Saltandpeppero · 25/02/2024 20:00

Can you imagine, you think you're just a few months into something new and fun and suddenly she wants to meet in a date environment to 'talk' or discuss relationship 'issues' or things she isn't happy with regarding your behaviour.

I do feel this is childish behaviour, if men are happy enough to be having sex within weeks of meeting women they need to be ok with having discussions about reliability and trust etc too.

That said, OP as painful as it when you’ve been ghosted nothing good ever comes from chasing a man who has done that to you. He’s not for you clearly. Often people will put their best foot forward in the initial stages of dating and gradually their true self comes out. It sounds like he has gotten bored and is distracted by this new person. He hasn’t treated you with respect or decency, this is who he is. Better to know now than years later.

BlackKity · 25/02/2024 20:30

Painful, OP 🌹

But honestly, in most cases, at three months, you’re still “getting to know” each other. At six months, it’s slightly different, and at a year different again. He decided there was no future in it at 3 months and whilst it’s painful and the way he did it by ghosting you was cowardly, it also shows that you were invested in the relationship too early at 3 months.

Many of us have done this and it feels pretty rough, but we can see afterwards that sometimes we were getting carried away romantically, and not seeing the reality of the other person, ourselves or the situation. This takes either a) great insight or b) time or c) both

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