WWYD about my SIL?

[perpetualworrier]

My MIL & FIL are pretty poisonous individuals and after a particularly unpleasant Christmas, they decided they couldn't bear to have any more to do with us. DS1 was almost 3yo and DS2 c. 6m (4 years ago)and we haven't seen them since.

Relations with DH's sister have never been great. They didn't get on particularly well as children and she made things unpleasant in the run up to our wedding (I think a young girl's jealousy, as she had recently split from the man she thought she would marry) Anyway since then we've been polite, but not particularly friendly and see her & her family a couple of times a year. (They don't live close by)

We sent Christmas presents and they sent some to us. DS's sent thank you notes, but we have heard nothing from them. Since then it has been DH's birthday and he heard nothing and I have sent birthday presents for her and her DH. We have had no acknowledgement. Last week was my DS1's birthday we he received nothing too. It's not about the lack of presents, just that it's odd that we haven't heard from her when we normally would.

I have tried to get DH to ring his sister, but his response is "sod them all". I could contact them myself, but whenever I have tried to intervene on his behalf in the past, I've always ended up making things worse. TBH my life is much more pleasant without them, but I feel sad that DH appears to be losing all contact with his family. He says he doesn't care and that we're his family now . I'm also a bit concerned that there could be something seriously wrong. WWYD?

I'd leave well alone.I've known a few people who have lost touch with family or ILs and have felt they 'ought' to feel bad when something bad happens, but haven't.

Some families are close and loving, some aren't.

Your DH is right to save his emotional energies for his real family (ie. you and the boys.)

I would leave well alone - it is up to your DH to deal with his family. As you have said - it only seems to make things worse if you try to act - therefore you will only end up with more hassle for yourself...

He's right, I've had some similar daft behaviour from some members of my family, I don't care anymore. They have made their beds of bitterness adn I want out. I completely understand where he is coming from.

Oh thank you - I didn't really want to call her!

My main concern (and this is going to sound really self-centred) is that someone is going to die. His parents aren't young and MIL is obese, they can't live forever and I just can't begin to think how we (dh?) would deal with the fall out from that.

Also it's really puzzling me that something changed between Christmas and DH's birthday, which is only a few days later.

Poison tends to change people. i am sure that if it was life or death you would hear about it if not from her then from another relative or friend. Life is too short for their type of shit and I reckon your hubby knows that.

Thank's Jane. What I meant is how do you deal with it when a parent you haven't spoken to in years is suddenly seriouly ill/dying? I'm concerned for DH on an emotional level, but also about the praticalities (not money, I honesty hope they live such long and full lives that there's nothing left by the time they go)care/funeral arrangements etc.

I would keep away from it. The parcels weren't sent back - so the SIL family are fine. And the only thing I would recommend you do is to talk to DH about how he would feel if his parents died - not in a judgemental way, or trying to get him to see sense and contact them, just simply in a caring way so that you know he has thought about how he might deal with it - the fact is, they will die one day. After that, it really needs to be up to him what he does, and you need to support him in his choice.

REgarding DIL, I woudl stop sending presents now, maybe just cards for a bit. But she is clearly not wanting that sort of relationship either, so why waste your energies?

I meant regarding SIL - sorry, typing in a hurry

Don't call.
Just be there for your husband if/when he needs to talk about it (talking from a point of view that it is me who has cut contact with my family, and that is really all that I need my husband to do) be prepared to listen and support.

I have thought about the fact that they are not going to live forever, but I am much happier and getting stronger by the day without them in my life.

And surely if they wanted me to be in their lives as well, they would have realised that they can't treat all people around them like they are doormats that they can do or say whatever they like to no matter how much it hurts.

I would leave it, completely.

I'd go with whatever your DH wants.
He may choose to try and make contact again in the future, but I'd just leave the whole issue alone for now.

Ah sorry I get you. I did read an item once in one of the Sunday papers which has stuck with me. Dealing with the death of a parent when there has been a problematic relationship is generally harder than those who have had a good relationship. Not what you wnat to hear sorry, but it struck a chord with me as probably being right. But then you have to think this is going to happen no matter what. The best thing you can do is be by his side and support him, some things are just out of our control. God I'm being really depressing sorry!

Enjoy your own family, and be grateful you don't have anything to do with ILs! I wouldn't phone, or in fact, give it another thought.

Wow - that's unanimous then? I thought everyone would say "come on they're family, make some effort".

I fall out with my sister on a regular basis, but there's never any risk that we might never speak again - one of us always sorts it and if we didn't Dad would threaten to bang our heads together I just don't get how families can be like this with each other.

DH agrees with you - life is a much more positive experience without them.

I think I'm going to keep sending at least cards though - then no-one can say it was me who stopped.

That sounds a good idea pw