Advice for DD - being harassed and blackmailed

[NigellaAwesome]

I would value thoughts on how to advise my 18yo DD who is very stressed by a situation that has developed involving a guy from her friend group.

From what I can tell, his nose is out of joint as he feels his position in the group is threatened by her. I have never been particularly impressed by the people in this group - a term I use loosely as it seems to be quite a wide network of people who go to the same venues. None of them seem to be particularly high achieving or doing much with their lives and there always seems to be a fairly high amount of drama.

He has started making allegations that DD sexually coerced him and has been messaging both her and mutual friends saying that she is a sexual predator, and that if she doesn't back off from the group he is going to 'drop an instagram post exposing her as a sexual predator.' She has screenshots of these messages.

She is very stressed and terrified he is going to do this. As far as I can make out, they had a a bit of a fling a few months ago, and then she wasn't interested. Apparently he has done this several times before, and she unquestioningly believed him when he posted this about other people. They have about 150 people in common on social media. This has been going on for about 3 or 4 weeks, and he seems to be obsessed with it.

She has drafted a cease and desist letter that she asked me to post on her behalf, but I have reservations that this is the right course of action and have said to her I think she needs to take a few days to think things through. I think this could inflame issues and he could post a copy of the letter itself on to social media.

I think her options are as folows:

1. Send the cease & desist letter - with the potential that it inflames things and feeds into this guy's obvious need for drama.
2. Get a solicitor to send a cease & desist - same potential issues, but he might take it a bit more seriously.
3. Report him to the police for harassment - again the potential for drama and escalation. Potential for this guy to make counter-allegations of sexual assault and DD being investigated for it. Regardless of evidence or lack thereof, police would be duty bound to investigate and it would cause huge amounts of stress.
4. Seek advice from the police but not take any action at this stage - so at least there is a record of her concerns.
5. Ignore and do nothing. Ask her friends not to tell her about any comments he makes to them about it. Try to distance herself from the group and develop new friends / hobbies.

Am I missing another course of action? He has blocked her on everything so other than writing to him, she can't contact him directly. He is effectively emotionally blackmailing her. She was the victim of a sexual assault several years ago, which he knows about and I think he is weaponising her history against her. I think this is why it is impacting her so much.

I would be grateful for words of advice and ideas.

https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/news/new-intimate-image-abuse-laws-come-into-effect-across-england-and-wales/

This explains how the new laws have come into effect this year.

Thanks @Porkfest but thankfully no intimate images that I know of, nor was she under 18.

I think the potential offences are harassment and computer misuse / malicious communications

does she have brothers who could pay him a visit/ or sisters/you/other relatives/ friends? Bet he won't feel so in control then.

Don't take this appalling advice

Wow definitely police he might have a record of doing this type of thing keep a diary of messages/ calls etc. To be honest if any are her true friends they will stick by her put as much distance between herself and this individual as possible. Block all messages and maybe consider reporting to all social media networks! It is slander and he can be prosecuted for spreading any misinformation.

There is a record of this repeated behaviour as OP said in her post that he had ‘exposed’ others for the same ‘crime’ -it’s just not with the police yet.

I would ask your DD to screen shot where he had done this to others and take this to police as evidence of pattern of behaviour prior to her being threatened and harassed. This would kick any comeback from him alleging your DD being a sexual predator.

I also wouldn’t block him at this point as it’s important to collect evidence - also blocking may escalate and he might make contact in a different and more dangerous way. This is the counterintuitive that advice I have seen given on stalking support websites. It doesn’t mean that your DD needs to read them - others can.

I am sorry that your DD is experiencing this and one of his numerous victims to date. His behaviour is dangerous and illegal. I hope the police sort this out soon.

Cyber bulling / blackmail is v serious and v dangerous for teenagers. Just read today about young lad who took his life as a consequence. Your DD is lucky to have opened up to you - others are more fragile - but she doesn’t need to be terrorised in this way personally and publicly.

That would be enough for me to leave the group. But before that I'd put up the reason I was leaving for everyone to read, showing the threats he has made and warning others not to befriend him.

This is great advice. Does she know the others he has done this to, and can she get in touch, or have they been excluded from the group?

It would be classed as domestic abuse, due to the relationship.

So coercive behaviour and harassment

Police all the way

I agree, asking the police for advice is the first port of call. Get it logged. The police are well versed in dealing with people like him and will know what the best course of action is. Also it will be logged so if something was to happen the police are already aware

Thanks all. The guy left a very angry voice message to one of DD's friends tonight about her and it was horrible, calling DD all the b's and c's of the day. The level of vitriol in his voice was palpable.

The police have been out this evening and just left. The call handler was very good and said it amounted to domestic abuse and coercive control.

The officers who attended were of the view that the offence of harassment has not yet been met as most of the nasty messages have been about her to other people, rather than to her. I'm not convinced that their analysis is correct, but I didn't see much point in getting in to it. I did make the point that the messages are the symptom of his level of obsession, volatility and rage towards DD and DD explained to police how frightened she is of him.

Anyway, police are planning to call to speak to him tonight to tell him to back off and if he tries to make contact after that they will take action against him. They also said that if he makes counter allegations to police about sexual assault that they would need to speak to DD about it. I'm a bit concerned that he may well go ahead and make his allegations but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Thanks for all the advice.

Well done @NigellaAwesome - you have done the right thing. He sounds nasty.

I would take strength from the fact that the police are taking action even if not actually prosecuting at this point.

If they need to investigate any counter-allegations re sexual predatory behaviour then I imagine it would be a box ticking exercise as they have the context and hopefully the evidence that he has already done this repeatedly to others.

I would encourage your DD to be extra vigilant and to report any new activity immediately.

Hopefully a slap down by the police will put this vicious freak back in his box.

If he has tried the same trick with numerous others, the police will spot his little game.

Make sure DD has evidence of his treatment of other young women.

Interestingly, one of the previous incidents was this guy claiming that one of his male friends had sexually groomed a 15 year old girl.

I do wonder what is in his personal history to be so preoccupied with sexual assault.

I didn't sleep terribly well last night, worrying about DD. I think I might get her to write a statement so that if he does at some stage make allegations, she already has all of the information written down so she could provide police with a pre-prepared statement.

It seems he is using the threat of announcing a sexual assault publicly as a huge power move to smear and totally annihilate a persons reputation.

It’s enough to terrorise anyone into silence and compliance with his wishes. It’s almost as if he has discovered a super power.

He is a very dangerous, disturbed and emotionally violent individual. I hope the police will stop him in his tracks with regards to you daughter and that his previous activities are also brought to light.

I hope your DD can weather this, it must be really rough - she is lucky to have you both to open up to and for your to take action.

She is finding it very stressful. Hasn't been able to attend uni lectures. I think she should let someone at uni know what's going on, but not sure who she should speak to. She has a medical condition that has flared up due to the stress.

Police were out with dd again yesterday. After reviewing it, they are investigating it as malicious communications. They took a statement from her and are planning to speak to him today apparently. Police did say he is likely to double down and make his allegations against her formally, but they didn't seem to be too concerned about it given the context and told dd not to worry. They made the point that under malicious communications legislation, you can only repeat allegations if someone has actually been convicted.

She should have pastoral support through uni and I would highly recommend she contacts them. They might be able to arrange counselling for her. If not I’d see if you have a local iapt team and you can self refer to them for emotional support.
You sound likely a lovely mum. I’m sure your care and some time will help her process this.

Your DD must let the Uni know. She can contact her Tutor in the first instance. She might need to put in a claim for mitigating circumstances if she had assessment coming up.
Also, the uni will have a counselling service. Get her to make an appointment with them for extra support (and evidence of the impact this is having on her studies).
It is really important that the uni know as this will be affecting her ability to concentrate on the course.
Also, is he a student there? If so, she could make a complaint about him through the uni.

I've worked in HE. If you want to PM me is be happy to chat further.

I think what the police are saying about any counter allegation from him should be reassuring to her.

I think it’s very important that she is professionally supported for the very deep emotional damage done to date (seen in her flare-up)....and agree with others the involve uni - academic and pastoral - she is officially the victim of a crime under investigation and she can possibly use the ref number to expedite support.

Well done to you again. But she might collapse or have a mix of emotions etc.

She shouldn’t have had to endure this - he sounds v unhinged and dangerous.

Did she mention the incidents of online humiliation/harassment of others to the police?

She also needs to be careful what she discusses (ideally nothing) with her friends now that this is an active investigation in case it backfires etc.

Well done to your dd for reporting this and you too OP. He sound potentially dangerous to me.
Writing things down is a good idea, if she hasn't already. Every bit of communication from him she has evidence of. If he continues, keep on reporting him.

So pleased you listened to those of us who said report to the police.

Keep a log of everything

My daughter went through harassment, stalking for nearly 3 years, by an ex, he nearly destroyed her. She didn't tell anyone.