AIBU to expect a little bit of emotional connection from tired stressed out husband

[Mamalojay]

DH and I are finding it tricky to communicate in a positive way. He started a new pressurised job a few months ago, working long hours and a 6 day week. We also had a baby 6 months ago. Plus, we have other complex family stuff to manage atm.
I totally empathise that he is feeling maxed out, tired and stressed. However, not being able to reach out and connect with him emotionally, is getting me down. When I calmly talk with him, he can be defensive and argumentative. I try to encourage him as much as I can. We’ve always approached life as a team. But right now, I’m struggling. I get the dregs of DH when he’s been away for work, or at the weekend after a busy week. Sometimes, he’s so tired, he pays more attention to his phone to switch off and have ‘decompression’ time than trying to connect with me on some level. His dad was a real hostile, rude, selfish a*hole to his mum. They had no emotionally supportive relationship as far as I could see. I worry we will end up like this too. Relationship counselling would be good but we don’t have the money (or the time) due having had a baby. Am I being unreasonable to expect more at the moment? I swing between sucking it up and waiting for better times, and thinking that I deserve better. I’ve tried many approaches to try to connect with him. But haven’t had much luck. I’m worried that this will turn into a characteristic of our relationship rather than just a phase.

I can see both sides, but he is going to have to do something as it will affect your relationship. It’s finding a time when he’s receptive to it.
Are you still having sex?

@DustyLee123 I agree. I can see both sides too! Hence, my brain whirl of just getting on with things as I really feel for him whilst feeling we need to address this for my own sanity! Also, finding the right time doesn’t seem to work. I bottle things up ‘waiting for the right time’ but end up feeling shit and detached from the dear man in the mean time.

@Mamalojay I don't have anything particularly helpful to say except that your feelings are perfectly reasonable. All I can suggest is, pick a moment, tell him how you feel in as few words as possible, then hope he ruminates on it. But your feelings are valid.

Have you had a night out together since baby was born? Do you have anyone who could babysit? Perhaps even just a lunch out together? You need an opportunity to open up on neutral territory.

Starting a new job is exhausting for the first 6 months in my experience.
So much to learn, new people etc

Not excuses but I am always completely drained for the first few months.

If this behaviour is unusual for him I'd definitely make a statement. Acknowledge he must be knackered it's hard starting a new job but you are hoping you can also carve out some time for each other that will help balance things out a bit.

Is he pulling his weight with DC?

Thanks. It’s reassuring at least to be told I’m not being unreasonable. Sometimes I feel like I’m being a shithead to expect emotional input from him when he is so drained.

I think a lot depends how much he's working. Speaking from long experience of having done it myself, when working 50 odd hours it's tiring but perfectly doable to keep up normal relations if you make the effort. But once it gets to 60 hours its extremely difficult, and by 70 practically impossible.

Has he taken this job to support the family whilst you're on mat leave? If so I think you need to be quite sympathetic, but of course you should also communicate your feelings.

That's a really good answer - particularly the way in which you consider the number of hours worked. You sound as if you really know what you're talking about.

He’s supporting us both so I don’t have to rush back to work. He likes the status of his new job as it’s a promotion so it’s not completely altruistic though! 😆 I’m pretty sympathetic on the whole, but losing my mind as he’s rude to me when I try to to talk to him about things that are on my mind eg weaning the baby and how that’s been going etc whilst he’s been at work. I don’t get why he speaks to me so meanly. Is that what happens to folk when they work a 60 hour week which he often does?

Yes he’s pulling his weight with DC - it’s me that he is coming out from. We’re going through a pretty stressful time too atm. So he kind of has nothing left in his tank to make an effort to think about how he communicates with me. He gets annoyed and argues with me when I reach out about how I feel. Even though I start nearly every exchange with ‘you’re amazing and I’m so thankful for how hard you work, I can see you’re exhausted etc etc…’ 🙄

Yes. Working a 60 hour week in a stressful job can very much make you grumpy and unpleasant. It is extremely draining week after week. I have some lovely colleagues but when we're in a really busy patch they can all become grumpy or less approachable at times.

My husband and I both work in similar high pressured roles with long hours and we both know we have to extend a huge amount of grace and understanding to the other when they're in a very busy period.

You get to the point where even deciding what you want to eat can make you want to cry from sheer exhaustion and mental overload. So I can understand why he doesn't have the headspace for weaning chat.

As a family you may have to choose between the money and status of his job and marital harmony. You can't always have both sadly.

@Zippedydoodahday thanks for your insights. I’m so flipping knackered due to organising moving house and several other things AND a baby and not sleeping that I forget how relentless and nuts his life is. I hid a small card in his work laptop this morning reminding him how amazing he is and that I love him. Lead by example, right? Everyone needs a boost from time to time.

TBH, it sounds a bit like you’re smothering him. Hiding a card in his laptop is something a mum might do with her child’s school bag. If he’s not a touchy feely kind of man, and you’re the opposite, then somethings going to give.
Both your lives are very stressful at the moment and you’re both just going to have to get through it. Not everyone likes to talk about their feelings, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Both me and DH are like this to an extent. We like to be quiet or have mundane chat after busy days at work. When DD was a baby, we were so stressed and knackered that we hardly spoke! But we got through it.

Hiding a lovely message in his laptop is a great idea, I love my dh doing things like that. It’s really important in relationships to maintain those connections.

We were in a similar boat, DH took a new promotion, and we had our first child. It was exhausting and relentless for both of us, but it didn't last forever. I'd just try to chill out a bit maybe, if he's feeling overwhelmed then maybe he's just not in to big emotional displays at the moment. It's easy to slip in to being really needy when you're at home with a baby all day. Do more stuff for you, tag team the baby on the weekends. I think your relationship as a couple just does take a back seat for a while, you'll get it back on track soon.

It sounds like you're having a really tough time

I think you're both having a difficult time and are both really feeling the strain. I've done newborn and building works, and separately many years of 60 plus hour weeks in a stressful job, and both are really gruelling in different ways.

He doesn't sound like a bad man from what you've said. Just one who is so exhausted he has limited emotional capacity with the stress of a step up, long hours and a baby. Just keep being kind to each other as best you can and hopefully you'll figure out a way forwards together.

@Zippedydoodahday its nice to have a bit of encouragement. I appreciate your empathy. Yes. We’ll be absolutely fine. Everything all at once is taking its toll. I keep reminding myself of what you say about extreme tiredness. I know this too… being exhausted makes life so challenging. Being kind to him is essential. Even though I’m maxed out too. He has been less harsh with me in the last 48 hours - he knows he can be really grumpy. He has said sorry - bless him. Kindness… yep. That’s the way forward 👍

That’s one way to look at it, I guess. Every partnership works differently. Sending him the little note to encourage him and remind him of what a great person I think he is, really opened up communication between us and released some negativity. Finding simple ways to encourage each other - children, friends family, spouses is really important. He came home and gave me a massive hug, something he’s not been able to do for a while. We don’t have much time or mental capacity to have long conversations atm but that’s not the point. If you’ve never sent a little note of encouragement to your spouse I recommend you try it. I’m sure your partner will be really touched

Has he left you a card ever?

My hubby started a new job when we had our twins. I totally get the exhaustion and babies etc it gets to where you just function for a few months to get thru and you will get thru. Our communication became grunts and yes and nos for a while but it ironed out over time and we are back to talking and laughing normally again

I could have written this, OP. It's really hard. You can go the extra mile to try and reach out despite your own tiredness and frustration, but then you feel like it's all you doing the work. That can be particularly hard when it doesn't work the first time or two, it's soul destroying.
If you figure it out, let me know!

The answer, so far as I can see, try and put your feelings aside, work for the better times and when it's back on track after a long slog, talk then. Or, that seems to be the answer. It's often the way, I'm no feminist but I resent the pressure of the role at times - then again, women are better at it, so maybe that makes it our job a bit more? Play to our satrength?
Not great for building the will or determination, is it?!

If there is infidelity, abuse or other huge factors it's different, obviously.

I really don't know the answer but will be lurking with interest for any wisdom to come on this thread! Good luck!