Is love enough?

[nojomam]

Ok so having read a few of the posts here I realise that my situation isn't life threatening or horrific but I'm miserable and could do with some advice. My DH and I have been together 8 years but neither of us are yet 30 and we have two children. I have a very good job and he is self employed and earns about the same as me, we have a house that we inherited and are doing up another one that we plan to move into. He is a devoted Dad, but we have had some serious problems throughout our relationship. He had a bit of drinking problem though not an alcoholic and we have broken up a number of times. We have never been good at communicating with eachother.

I do love him - always have - but I just don't know if are right for eachother - when we fight it starts over the tiniest things - today we called by the new house and I said that something hadn't been done the way we had discussed it (which I remember clearly as we had a massive fight as he didn't really want to do it the same way) so today he just went off on one - he drove away like a maniac and got all thick and refused to speak to me - I told him to calm down but he wouldn't and the kids are sitting listening to his ranting that I should spend more time at the house if I was going to just come down and complain about what was happening, and how he has taken days off etc to get some of the work done. I told him I'm sick of his temper - which is terrible - he once confiscated the laptop as he paid for it when he felt I was online too much. He once put his fist through a door when we fought out of temper.

Later on, I said to him does he think that there is any point in talking at this stage and he said he didn't know, so I said I was going to stay in the spare room. The kids went to bed at 7.30 and at 8 he just got up and left - I imagine he is off to the pub.

I'm just not sure if we are actually meant to be together - we have spent so many years fighting and making up that I'm just not sure how well we actually get on - I'm beginning to question whether we would actually be together if we didn't have kids.

I'm not exactly an angel in all this, maybe I should be more patient and calm to couteract his temper - as he is a great father and is so good around the house - maybe I'm searching for perfection - but I'm sick of saying sorry when I'm not just to get over stupid little arguments that run on for days, just because I know that he won't. Does anyone out there have a partner or husband that is kind, caring, considerate, good father and that they are actually in love with and fancy? What am I doing, what should I do?

I wish I could offer hope but all I can do is sympathise and relate to your story. I confided in a wise frind about this once and she assured me that this isa very typical scenario when your kids are young. She said once her 4 got to secondary school/ became more independant her marriage improved dramatically and they rediscoverd each other so to speak.

Here's hoping.

would he go to relate with you just to find out better ways of communicating with each other?? I find it nearly impossibe to say sorry but I am learning to! We've been together 8 years and I'd say we have fewer "rows" than we used to but we've got better and talking to each other.

Is love enough? ... What else is there?
It is a very typical scenario with small kids. It is such a stressful period in a couple's life. Only fight the fights that are necessary .. let him win the others!!

OK after coming home last night at 12.30 and vomitting in his sleep - which my DS discovered this morning when he went into the room, after I came home this afternoon from making myself scarce I get a note to say that he is gone to the horse-racing festival with his mates - its our son's birthday today - how can he be so selfish - I think its the final straw - there is only so much I can take. I need stability and certainty and I'm just not getting it. I had actually gone out and bought a book on relatioships today but when I came home and saw that note I feel like there is no hope.

Depends on what love is for you.

My h has in the past treated me very badly and throughout it i would say i loved him - not the way he was treating me. It was only when i would not take anymore and started demanding that i be 'loved' the way i knew i needed. Now things are so much better than they ever have been.

I think you can still love someone but if you allow them to make your life so miserable you are not really loving yourself.

Yes it is hard when there are small children and all the other stresses of everyday life and it can also be difficult to find the time to really connect again. But that is what you must do - you can love him but you have to decide if you can live with his faults without losing who you are.

That is a brilliant post HW!

Well you know TFM i have had a long time to learn all about me - and that is the most important thing. It is hard being a mum and trying to do everything - we forget we are people too who have wants and needs too and slowly over time cant even remember what they are. We think what we are living is 'normal' because we have lived it for so long.

Do take the time now to see if your marriage is what you want, dont wait until your children have grown up as it may be too late.