Realising it's not me, it's you

[Bitsiemcgee]

I was talking to someone I love earlier and they were accusing me of things I haven't done or intended and instead of arguing back and defending myself, I was incredibly proud of myself as I stayed calm, rational and composed and haven't let it upset me like it usually would. I've been having therapy lately and it was the first sign I've had that it's working so I'm really pleased

To clarify, this person is very stressed at the moment but in a situation of their own choosing and they see normal questions as pressure and expect me to be a mind reader when they aren't clear. Nothing catastrophic

I'm not happy with the discussion but I'm very pleased that it was like an epiphany of oh, I'm actually not doing anything wrong, the issue is entirely yours and I'll talk to you when you're ready as I've never been able to react so refreshingly calm before or immediately compelled to try and fix everything to feel ok. Has anyone had this experience, post therapy even, and how did it feel?

Posted in the wrong section, sorry

I find the best thing to do us remove such people from my life.

Be aware that not reacting to abuse, or, standing up to abuse doesn't mean you are no longer being abused.

And such people, will only look for new ways to hurt and frustrated you when you don't react to their usual bs.

Now your first paragraph seems to describe you're dealing with an abuser. Though your second may imply this is just temporary behaviour from them due to current circumstances, (is it? Really?).

Therapy sounds like it's doing you good but please remember the onus is not on us to tolerate or not react, to abuse. It's to get the fuck away from these people.

It's definitely not abuse, that's why I stressed it was nothing catastrophic, they are stressed and taking things the wrong way, that was all... I certainly won't be 'removing them from my life', that's extremely extreme! 😂

I had 6 months of EMDR recently and found that I'm much better with boundaries and reacting calmly to things now. I too had similar moments during therapy (and since it finished) where I realised I was reacting to things more calmly and it was always so lovely to notice. Well done OP x

Well done to you too :). Can I ask if you felt any conscious difference or if it just sort of happened for you?

I'm definitely feeling less anxious and can acknowledge that I know how much they love me, but they aren't in the right head space to be rational so I can step away and not be afraid of sorts

Thats fine, if you are sure!

So long as its not an ongoing issue with this person.

If you're just finding therapy is giving you pause before arguing back, allowing you to take a step back from situations and count to ten then it sounds like it's a healthy thing for you.

Just be careful about taking responsibility for other peoples bad behaviour. Stepping back from arguments is fine but if the other person isn't coping and is taking that out on you, uts probably them that needs to be in therapy.

Yes, I'm fine, thank you, honestly

It was a celebration of my reaction to something I would have taken very much to heart and caused anxiety before and now I can react in a more relaxed way, it's freeing

yupp, sometimes you're a lightening rod for a family member's inability to self-reflect. Your alleged failings are BESPOKE to disguise their bad behaviour from them

I have dropped the rope now.

They've not done anything terrible or anything but I do think it's them projecting their own feelings onto me. I asked a perfectly reasonable question, accept the answer and I'm pushing boundaries. And I just thought no, I'm not, it's your inability to say what you actually mean and to deal with whatever you're feeling at the moment clouding their view

What was your experience of that?

Thanks :)
Not sure what you mean by a conscious difference, I guess I just started to notice occasionally that my responses to things were calmer and more rational, and as I got towards the end of therapy I was noticing that more and more often! Hope that makes sense

It does and that's exactly what I meant :)