Lying to protect feelings?

[Streetlighhhhts]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months. Great guy, sensitive, loving, kind. Has primary age DC and is divorced.

We are at a crisis point as he hasn’t been transparent about how he runs his life with his ex. Their relationship has always been amicable (which I really approve) but he has put a spin on it to make me feel it is less involved/less friendly than is true.

Since meeting the DC and being more present in day to day life, it is clear things aren’t exactly as he says. I have gently challenged him on how things really are for a long time (as things didn’t add up) and I have been given a version of events which isn’t 100% accurate. This includes a sleepover before a special day, general level of friendliness, amount of time spent together etc. We don’t live together or in the same town so I’m not there all the time.

He explains it as trying to keep everyone happy and being stuck in the middle. His 50/50 custody is not court mandated and his ex holds a lot of power - he is terrified of losing time. I can sympathise with this but feel that the trust is gone. He has minimised and avoided saying the truth even when we’ve talked to get everything out into the open as a fresh start

This aside, he is a fantastic man. I can’t live without trust but can it be rebuilt in this scenario with better transparency? I’m taking some time to think this over and need to come to a decision. Any help appreciated x

My ex used to stay over for Christmas and our daughters birthday before we had anything set in stone for custody and to ease our daughter into the change. It was completely innocent and we genuinely get along great now as friends because there is no stress of a relationship.

I don't know their situation but I just wanted to say you can do what they are doing and it be innocent. It comes down to how much you trust him.

@krkw thank you
I think it is most probably innocent but he has lied to me about it all despite me making clear that I understand the situation and don’t mind at all, I just want transparency
It’s the lying I am struggling with

You should mention how damaging not being transparent can be and show him that it's safe to be open and honest.

It could be habits picked up from previous relationship?

@Streetlighhhhts but what is he actually lying to you about?

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld
He said a sleepover before a special event happened to soothe the children who were upset about not being together. In fact it was prearranged. I wouldn’t mind it happening at all, it’s the lying about it

They have spent time together at weekends and holidays which hasn’t been clear. Maybe said he went to xyz but not that his ex was there too

He makes out that everything is done under duress and he hates spending time with his ex but in fact they are very friendly and chatty

When challenged he tries to wriggle out of it - ‘I don’t remember agreeing to that’ ‘I don’t remember any times that happened’ etc - all very vague

It sounds like they are just trying to maintain some ‘normality’ for the children. He may feel pressured to do these things but it sounds like he is a lovely dad who just wants to be there but he also doesn’t want to hurt you as I think it can be difficult for others to understand. He may worry that you see it as him staying at his exes house, whereas he sees it as staying with his children. Can he look at getting something more stable regarding his time with the children? As it sounds like that’s a big worry for him if he loses time with them.

What he's doing with the kids is lovely but lying to you about it is a bad sign, I would get out now. I had an ex who lied exactly like this, I couldn't really see the reasoning but he carried on doing it, even just about day to day things, anything he decided I might be annoyed about or might prefer to be another way.

I didn't get out and I ended up in a relationship where I didn't know up from down, could never tell what was actual reality from the versions he would tell. It was such a relief in my next relationship to realise that I could just rely on what he said about normal day to day things. I didn't realise how much the lying affected me til I was out of it.

It doesn't necessarily sound like he is intentionally lying, more like he is lying by omission type of thing.

I can understand that he is probably trying to 'protect' your feelings based on reactions in previous relationships. The problem is that his behaviour is probably actually going to create the reaction that he is afraid of.

I suppose now though, you know what their relationship is like. I would work on the assumption that whenever something is happening with the kids/ex, then there is probably more happening than he wants to mention.

Moving forward do you think you can trust him and his version of events with his ex and children? Or are you always going to doubt.
If you can't get past it then you might need to consider how happy and valued this relationship is going to make you feel.

Sending you love, must be tough ❤️

Thank you

@Superawkward I’m not sure I do - I’ve never met the ex although she is keen and he is not!

I can see the reasoning behind it but the continued lies make me feel terrible

The sleepover was a lie to my face - ‘we didn’t prearrange it, it happened on the night because of the kids’ - he made himself out to be a victim and blamed the kids.

I have reacted in an uncomfortable way when he has told me some things in the past so I have contributed to the issue

I personally can't deal with lying men any more. I have realised with age that men always lie to make their lives easier and not someone else's. They will ALWAYS make out it was for someone else's feelings and it never ever is.

He's avoiding real conversations and you need to address that before you can trust again. He needs to grow and mature to ensure you can trust him going forwards because he has shown you he will lie without thinking about impact on you. Even when men lie about their height they can't see it's a giant red flag about how they live their lives. Men who can't tell the truth about simple things create emotional carnage and distrust wherever they go - it needs to be addressed, especially if he is doing it about really silly pointless things.

I have reacted in an uncomfortable way when he has told me some things in the past so I have contributed to the issue

Maybe, or could it be that that has shown him which of your buttons to push?

What you said in your OP reminded me so much of my very good at lying, manipulative ex. The more you write, the more it resonates.

I would say do not accept things you're not comfortable with and listen to your instinct, it's trying to protect you. There's a reason he doesn't want you to meet his ex.

Please be careful with this one.

I’m sorry, OP. I personally would not be able to continue the relationship, but that’s me - I can’t stand lying, even “by omission,” or equivocating - and I feel (and have experienced) that once a person thinks that’s the easiest way, they won’t stop doing it.
to conceal things from someone in order to avoid argument is basically not only an avoiding of conflict, it’s a desire to control one’s partner’s feelings.

if someone is not adult enough to realize that sometimes they will disappoint another adult, and to trust that adults can handle disappointment, and a relationship is made stronger by working through these things together rather than avoiding,

they aren’t going to change.

I would leave. But that’s me, and I’ve had a horrible experience with this kind of thing, in that it never got better - it got worse.

Lying by omission is still lying. He is managing you by telling you what suits him, so he can do what makes his life easier. He is telling you what is palatable to you in his mind, that he is only doing these things because he's been tricked or he has to to keep the ex on side but doesn't want to really. He is not keen for you to meet her because then you will see that she is a normal reasonable woman, not the calculating controlling person he's made her out to be that is threatening to take his kids away from him. I bet she has done no such thing!

Regardless of what's going on or not with his ex and whether it's right or wrong, he is clearly the sort of person who will tell lies, omit information and fudge the truth just to avoid having what might be a difficult conversation. This is who he is and that innate behaviour will spill over into every part of your life together. I really couldn't be bothered with a compulsive liar, they never change.

He lied to your face about the sleepover, and he has you thinking you have contributed to the issue of how untrustworthy he is by having a reaction?! You are allowed to react to things, you are allowed to feel uncomfortable about him having sleepovers with his ex and lying about it to your face.

Sorry but he’s taking the piss out of you. Liars, in my experience, don’t stop lying. You’ve got a half relationship with this man.

Men who lie about the small unnecessary things will have absolutely no problem lying about the big things. This is a lesson I learnt the hard way in life.

I was with someone just like this and an identical situation (though I also have kids). He wants so much to be seen as a ‘good guy’ but hurts people to get it. Also lying unnecessarily about exactly the same kinds of things, things I would have been fine with. It’s hurtful and unsettling. Like they’re deciding exactly what you can see and what you can’t.