Newly single and struggling?

[Chattyapple123]

Hi everyone, Im 26 and came out of a 8 year relationship. He was the only person Ive slept with/been in love with etc. all of my friends/coworkers/ family are in long term relationships and starting to buy houses together etc and I feel like an outcast.

It has been about 8 months and everytime I try and move on by speaking to someone I feel guilt and like Im cheating and that its not right.

I feel immense pressure to have someone and I am missing all the parts of a relationship. I feel like some of my friends think Im spiralling and aren’t supportive when Im trying to put myself out there. My self esteem is low too and don’t feel good looking enough to date.

I genuinely feel embarassed and like I’ve hit rock bottom and not sure where to go from here or steps forward? If you have any advice please let me know.

Yeah your ex fell in love with you in the past and someone else will in the future.

You need to focus your attention solely on yourself.

I speak from experience when my ex didn’t want to be with me you know what I did? Glowed the F up!! I lost weighed joined the gym, went for walks, gained a social life… granted we were still in touch as we have 2 children but he didn’t recognise the woman I became. I was interesting and unpredictable. I found comfort in holistic treatments where I could off load my problems as the therapist would literally allow me to have an hour’s counselling session before getting on the table for the treatment. It helped so much. I dressed better, maintained my appearance and before long he came running back… I spent hours watching clips on YouTube ‘Love Advice TV’

Have you been on a date? I had a 9 year relationship break down with my first relationship and at the time he was the only person I slept with. I went on dates out of sheer panic because my confidance was low too and ended up in a relationship far too soon and it went badly.

That's just my experience but I think dating is good to boost confidance and have fun but there is no rush for anything serious until you are ready

How long have you been single x

I hate it when people talk about 'date yourself' but actually this is one of those times when you need to do so.

You are not incomplete without a partner. You've just come out of an 8 year relationship. You were little more than a child when you got together with him so now is your time to get to know adult you properly.

Focus on friendships, work, education/training, hobbies. Learn who you are as a complete and whole person without the compromise that comes from being in a relationship.

Who is Chattyapple123?

What are her interests, her passions? What is important to her?

I was 37 when I found myself in a similar position. I had so much fun finding out who I was; revisiting interests from my teens that had become lost along the way; trying out new things.

Have a 'fuck it' year. Do stuff you wouldn't have done before. Take yourself out for lunch, go on holidays/mini breaks/to festivals on your own. Take dance lessons. Learn an instrument. Join a band. Run a marathon.

Practice self care. If there's something you've always wanted to do, then now is the time to do it.

Do not waste your precious life looking for a partner or dating losers in the hope the next one will turn out to be better than the last.

If you do all of that, you will become a happy, contented, confident individual who has created a great life for yourself. You're more likely to meet someone too than you will do sitting around and lamenting the fact you don't have a boyfriend 😉

Whilst there's nothing wrong with wanting to date or meet someone, there is also more to life than scrolling through apps and 'dating'.

My self esteem is low too and don’t feel good looking enough to date.

This is why I would recommend staying away from dating and apps for now.

My son is 25 and single and he has pretty much followed the advice I gave above.

He has carved out a nice life for himself for now. He's not 'not dating' but he's taking opportunities as they arise and not trying to force them. He's far happier than he was when his focus was 'meeting someone'.

The best thing I have done lately and not because I’m single but for a laugh was join a women’s hiking group. All age ranges. I was single at 28 which was years ago, my childhood sweetheart and been together for years, it felt like the end of the world. It wasn’t. I did just do stuff for me. I remember glorious days of going to Notting Hill carnival, all night raves, walking in woodland, learning how to salsa. I was single for a while, it was for the best. Met DH at 30, dated him at 31, married 32 and had DS at 34.

@GreyCarpet has given really good advice.

I'm newly single at 34. Let's make the rest of the year our year!

You're still young at 26 and you've only been single for 8 months. Try not to put pressure on yourself to be with somebody, I feel like if you're forcing yourself to do it you're not ready for it yet and could end up getting into a relationship with someone you're not 100% into. I met my fiance when I was 28 (I'm 33 now) and we have a beautiful daughter together.
Just take this time to focus on yourself. You say you don't feel attractive enough to date, spoil yourself with some self care like face masks, baths, new make up or skin care.
Your person will come along when you least expect it, I promise.

Believe me you don't need a partner to be complete. It will be good to be on your own for a while.

feel like some of my friends think Im spiralling and aren’t supportive when Im trying to put myself out there

Hi OP, what does this mean? do your friends think you should be looking for another relationship or that they don't think that? because you say I feel immense pressure to have someone and I am missing all the parts of a relationship. Of course you do - you've been in one for 9 years and you're surrounded by people who are and who probably expect that you'll give yourself a shake and then look for the next DP.

Thankyou everyone I have screenshotted every single post to refer back to and they have given me great advice and comfort. I appreciate it a lot. I do need to ease the pressure and better myself before letting anyone else in. Thankyou again.