Red flags or being too sensItive?

[krkw]

My ex changed after we had our daughter and became mentally abusive and cheated more then once. He left me for someone younger after bouncing between us for 6 month.

I took a couple years to try get my head around it all and become extremely idnependamrt and struggle to budge an inch with this because I don't want to start from square one again.

My.current partner told me yesterday that all the damage and pain I have from my broken family is my fault because its all from choices I made. I chose to marry my ex and I chose to have my daughter with my ex.

I'm now freaking out about the choices I'm making because right now he is a choice and I feel the same way about him that I did about my ex and thought we would work out.. what if I'm wrong and this is another bad choice? I'm questioning everything.

He also went into a rant about how he would be the one getting help with a house and his ex would be the one "needing a partner just so she had somewhere to keep her kids" when she has them. That sounds as bad as I think right?? I can be easily gaslit because of my ex so I don't trust my.own judgement well..

Yes, you’re making a mistake. Get rid of him.

My current partner told me yesterday that all the damage and pain I have from my broken family is my fault because its all from choices I made. I chose to marry my ex and I chose to have my daughter with my ex

Well maybe he thinks so, but who the hell does he think he is, telling you this and in such a rude, arrogant way? In your shoes Id have told him to 🤐, and get out.

Get rid of him, and work on your self-esteem and self-care so you don't let another absolute tool into your life

Yes, sounds very unpleasant!

Yup. Sounds horrible. Big red flag. I suspect deeply.sexist and misogynist.

He sounds horrible

get rid

Red flag city this one is. Your instincts are telling you that he is a bad egg for a reason. Always trust your instincts.

How stupid! We all make choices based on the information available to us AT THAT TIME. We can't predict the future and how people may behave and change.

Sounds like he has a low opinion on women generally.

How unsupportive. Sounds like he doesn't even like you.

"He also went into a rant about how he would be the one getting help with a house and his ex would be the one "needing a partner just so she had somewhere to keep her kids" when she has them. That sounds as bad as I think right?? I can be easily gaslit because of my ex so I don't trust my.own judgement well."

Erm, that doesn't sound right. If his ex has his children, then she will be the one getting priority for housing and HE is the one who "needs a partner so he has somewhere to keep his kids". It looks like you're the partner providing that.

Get rid of him. He sounds like a total waster.

I'm so sorry @krkw it's sounds like this one is also a control freak.
You're obviously a strong independent woman, and some men just cannot cope with that.
What he said was awful and gave you a massive message about who he really is. Be greatful he let the mask slip now and not another 5 years down the line.
Take care of yourself and your child.

Run away, fast. My ex had similar views and it put such a massive strain on the relationship and in the end I hated him. Everything bad that happened was my fault. Even when I was having a really hard time during the pandemic, is was all of my own doing. I manifested it all. Twat.

He's blaming you for your ex being a total shit and hurting you. He's basically laying the foundations for treating you like crap and then telling you it's all your fault because of the "choice you made". I would throw this one back, OP. You deserve better than this arsehole.

He sounds as shitty as your ex. Wave goodbye whilst putting on your new self esteem outfit.

You can do better and you are worth more.

You are right, I think. Move on. I would personally avoid asking close family on this one, as they can sometimes want to 'smooth it all over' in their eagerness for you to maintain something that appears to them as 'stability'. Trust your instincts.

Yeah major red flags here!!!!!

Thanks everyone. I struggle to confront mainly because of my ex because I was always "blowing it out of proportion" or it was my fault somehow so I'd end up apologising to him and feeling 10x worse. Once I even ended up apologised to him when he admitted cheating on me.. still unsure how that happened. What yous have said actually gives me the confidance to know I'm thinking the right way about this.

In my current partners defense the one time I confronted him about something he was actually great so I have no reason not to just mention it. Old habits die hard though

I have had a very similar marriage I’m divorced now, don’t let anyone use your past trauma against you like this this is a major red flag the right person will understand what you have been through and love you right 💐

There is no need for confronation. Tell him it's not working anymore and it's the end for you both. And block.

Op, we do have to acknowledge what enabled us to stay in a relationship once red flags appeared - its usually not a choice more conditioning from childhood or simply being too trusting. A bad relationship shows us that we need to trust our instincts more. Perhaps that means ending relationships earlier rather than waiting for cast iron proof (such as evidence of cheating)

What your partner said to you, and

his comments about his ex isn't kind and lacks empathy. It is a red flag. Also is he taking responsibility for his part in his last relationship?

Your instincts are correct. Run.

He told me he never cheated on her or beat her up but she was cheating on him... Then it came out a year later he cheated on her and never had the proof she cheated on him. He also said he never done drugs at the beginning and slipped up with that too that he was heavy into drugs not long before we met.

I don't believe he is doing drugs now and I don't think he has cheated on me though and that was the only thing I have confronted him about. He didn't kick off, scream or shout and actually listened to me and genuinely apologised and put my mind at ease.

Again, run!

You are correct OP, sadly you've ended up with another controlling man. He has no right to blame you for past choices, and your instinct is right re the fact that he is bad mouthing and blaming his ex. Both red flags which show his true character. I would be ending things and getting some counselling.

Not sensitive but clued up. He doesn't sound a nice person and I don't think you would be happy with him in the long term.