Mother expecting me to pay for things

[Jammylou]

I wrote before about my mother putting pressure on me about money. This is still going on.
She has previously had a large inheritance from my Father around £100k (of which she gave me about £3k) however my Father was self employed so had no private pension so she lives off a fairly basic pension around £1200 a month. Mortgage/debt free.
She spends extremely frivoulously so has now spent all of the inheritance.
She is recently asked me to pay for her holiday this year. Its not alot a few hundred pounds but this is becoming more and more frequent. Helping her out.
I have already given her money for household repairs etc.
I am starting to resent this more and more as she goes out several times a week, eats out, goes on day trips and lunches etc. Which leaves her nothing left for things like household repairs/holidays etc so I am expected to pay.
I am in my 50s with a family and work full time in a pressurised job.
I have always had to live hand to mouth until recently where I have done well in my job and am better off but not rich etc. I still have mortgage, kids at home etc.
I think she sees my success and thinks I should pay but I am really struggling with it.
How do I tell her she needs to be more careful with money like I am so she can afford a holiday ?
She's not particularly easy to talk to.

You need to formulate a response and just repeat that each time she asks for money. For example ‘I can’t afford that at the moment with mortgage increases/kids/expenses/whatever.’ Don’t explain or try to negotiate. Just repeat.
She must have options- could she downsize and live off the excess? £1200 with no mortgage is more than enough for a decent lifestyle.

Just say ‘sorry - no Mum - I still have a mortgage and the children to take care off - you need to live within your means.’.
It needs to stop and will take a conversation to do so. Her attitude will leave her in debt and she needs to know that you won’t be bailing her out.
You cannot commit to cover her emergency repairs and holidays forever more.

Just say unfortunately with CoL, times are tight and you don't have a few extra hundred quid at the moment. That you're sorry but maybe everyone can save up for next year

She's taking the mick. When you say your are expected to pay, what does she say to you?

Is it "i need you to pay for a roofer", or is it just that she says "my roof is leaking and I don't have the money to fix it right now" and then you jump in to offer?

I'd just say "I have my own bills and costs to pay for so I cannot subsidise you any longer. I'm happy to have a look at your budget and help you decide where you can cut back though. Let me know if you'd like me to do this."

I don't have anything spare.

That's money you could be spending on or saving for your DC. £1200 for one person with no mortgage and £100k savings should have been plenty. It is not your fault she raked through that. I think you are doing your DC a disservice by continuing to give her money. I would give her money for her birthday and for Christmas if I could afford it. I would give her enough to do something really nice but not lots of money regularly if it was taking away from what I could do for my DC and I knew my DM had enough.

Remember the MN classic...
No is a complete sentence.

She might get nasty but hold your nerve. Don't be a mug.

“No.”

Don’t JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain). All that does is give her fodder to argue with.

And if she keeps pushing? “I’ve said no. Drop it or I’m hanging up.” And follow through.

I don’t want this to come across harsh but if she’s not easy to talk to next time she asks you just tell her no. Tell her you don’t want to fall out over it and you love her but you simply cannot afford to fund her lifestyle as well as yours. It sounds like she’s been accustomed to a certain lifestyle for the longest time that isn’t maintainable anymore… be strong don’t let her make you feel guilty.

Tell her things are tight with you and ask to borrow money. That should put a stop to it.

"Actually Mum, I was going to ask if I could borrow some money off you. I'm really skint at the moment as my mortgage is sky high. There's no chance of us having a holiday so equally there's no chance of giving you the money for a holiday!"

No. Full stop. While she doesn't ask me directly, my mum tries this shite with me, with heavy handed hints.

She has had everything handed to her on a plate and yet has failed to think, plan, budget etc. I have struggled for most of my life yet am finally in a good place financially. Like hell am I bailing her out.

She wants you to pay for her holiday??? She won't die without a holiday. If she wants one she budgets for it, like the rest of us have to do.

I thought I recognized your name and situation @Jammylou . I see your mum is still trying it on.
You will have to tell her straight that every penny goes on the dc. There is nothing left over. She can't take what you haven't got.

I don't know how she gets money out of you, tears? Guilt trip?
High time to give her some tough love. Sorry you are still being used like this @Jammylou

I'd do that!

She knows that I am earning alot more and am better off.
This is basically because me and husband had hardly any spare money for years and crimped and scraped to make ends meet.
She can see that I am much better off as I am having more holidays and starting at last to get a few nice things around me especially in my home. Its like she resents this.
But I am only doing what she did and has done for years until her circumstances changed.
She has occasionally asked outright or hints. Ie.when anything breaks she'll ask me to order a new one then knows I'll pay. Occasionally she'll offer knowing I won't take it as feel guilt tripped.
However it is hard for me to accept when she is so frivolous ie.
When me and husband struggled for years my parents helped us occasionally but not significantly. I always felt like she quite enjoyed seeing us struggling and doesn't like it now things have switched.
I sound awful because I do love her but I do think she is quite self centred with money.
Even though I'm much better off I work hard full time in a stressful job. She didn't really have to work as hard as I did as my dad earned alot. So why shouldn't I enjoy my hard earned money now.
Plus any spare I have I want to save towards dc futures ie. Marriage, help them out.
It just feels so unfair as I feel I will always have to help her out unless I tell her to cut her cloth.

My MIL was like this, basically spent all her money on luxuries then expected us to cough up for more luxuries or general bills.

We had to put our foot down, when she demanded we buy her a £1,000 car and £2,000 trailer to go with it. It just got more ridiculous with each request.
We no longer give her a penny, and amazingly she's finally learnt to budget after 50 odd years! 🙄
Just refuse. A hoilday is a luxury not a needed item.

Well you can either continue and feel resentment or you can tell her no. The more you enable this shit, the worse it gets.

Pull off the plaster and deal with the tantrum but from now on the answer is no.

Or lie and say any extra cash is going into pensions.

You need to nip this in the bud now.

Not when she asks again, you need to be more proactive in stopping the conversation in general.

You also need to put her on an information diet. Stop sharing with her what you earn, if you come into any money, all of it. She doesn't get to know. She has no right to know this.

"Look Mum, you keep asking me for money here and there. I cannot and will not be providing you with any more money. I have had a hard time up until recently when, as you know, my circumstances have improved, but not by much. I still have to pay my mortgage and put money into my pension and have money left over for the kids. This might be upsetting for you to hear but they are my priority, so whatever money you have, you'll have to work out how to budget for whatever you need it for. I cannot and will not be your safety net any more. I need to focus on me and the kids. If you ask me going forwards, the answer will be no so probably best not to ask and save us both the embarrassment."

Invest in some therapy to work out why you don't want to say no to her, then say no.

Obviously you know what you need to do, OP, so the better question might be what's stopping you from doing it?

For example, if she turns on the waterworks, calls you selfish, claims she'd be better off dead or whatever, perhaps you could develop some strategies for dealing with this instead of just handing over more ££££

Perhaps, too, your DH could help with this - after all I don't imagine he's too pleased that she's a constant drain on your household income - but either way you really do need to manage this rather than leaving it to fester

If she knew that she would be taking money away from her grandchildren, would that help you say no to her?
"Mum, I can't give you any money because X needs shoes/is going on a school trip/has unexpected expenses so as I said I can't give you money"

Don't apologise to her for saying no, so there shouldn't be "Sorry I can't" or "Sorry I don't have..." or similar. You have nothing to apologise for here. You are saying that you are not her personal ATM to top up her funds.

That doesn't work for me, I still have my own children and mortgage to pay for

Repeat as necessary.

£1200 isn't basic. That's more than some people make a month and still pay a mortgage. She needs to learn to budget and she won't do this whilst you keep helping her.