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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just opinions on this

11 replies

emlouba · 24/02/2024 11:51

Hello!

I moved into my boyfriends a couple of years ago. And when I moved in I offered to pay the bills and he pay his mortgage. So we go half's. Anyway he said absolutely not, he wants to pay and I get food shops.
So it's been that way since. Anyway we've had a baby (we was together 3 years prior to this but didn't live together) since having baby, I've just asked him to be a little more tidier, like tidying up after himself, just saves me a extra job, but he takes such offence to it, two days ago - he left a pan with some floating eggs in it - so all I did was txt a picture of it and said 'ewww thanks' and he went on well if you want me to clean up then you need to pay the bills and I pay the mortgage, I explained I am on maternity pay and I can (I've always offered money anyway before mat leave) when I go back to work! Then he just kept escalating it, then went on to say he will look for somewhere else for me to live and told me to go stay at my mums! And told me to get out of his house! It's really hurtful as I gave up my home to live together and it's all he throws in my face.
Anyway he's gone back since and told me he doesn't want our family to break up etc, but it's just so weird now. He said the other week he wants to trade my car (which is mine) for a deposit for a nicer car, he booked Dubai for us too which I also offered money for and he refused but that's since been thrown in my face too. It makes me not want to use my car for a deposit as I feel if he's going to be like this then it's my only security!
Also since me saying about the bowl of eggs and I have before mentioned his lunch boxes with chicken in that he leaves around, all I asked for is for him just to throw away! But he said why is it so hard for me to pick it up and put in the bin! Which I do - but I don't think is should have to always pick up after him, I'm
So shattered from baby waking all night but he seems to think I do nothing, I do all the housework and washing, I don't know- I just want to ask am I in the wrong here?

Thanks x

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 24/02/2024 12:07

I think he’s got you where he wants you and is showing his true colours now he thinks you’re trapped with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2024 12:16

You and he should no longer be together. He’s treating you akin to a servant and shows contempt for you.

Ilovethewild · 24/02/2024 12:20

Ask yourself, is this the relationship you wanted?
it doesn’t sound like a partnership
it doesn’t sound respectful

you don’t have to stay

chose a better life

emlouba · 24/02/2024 13:15

Thanks everyone - I just wanted clarity that I'm not wrong, gets into your head. Xx

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 24/02/2024 13:28

I hope you have managed to save up a fair bit since he's been so insistent on paying for stuff.
If you can get enough together for a deposit, get your own place. You are not married and have no rights to your home. He's just shown you that he can chuck you out whenever he likes. He is using this power to get you to comply.
Time to get your ducks in a row, sort out childcare for when you go back to work and get your independence back.
If he'd ever been up for sharing, he'd of married you by now.

LittleGreenDragons · 24/02/2024 13:32

But he said why is it so hard for me to pick it up and put in the bin!

He's telling you that he is above such things, but you are only worthy of cleaning up after him. It's disrespectful, dismissive and a form of emotional abuse.

Do not upgrade your car as he will put the new one in his name and you will lose another bit of your independence /property.

Honestly though, it's time to leave. This man no longer likes you and will ramp up the abuse until you leave or are broken. Go now.

emlouba · 24/02/2024 14:12

Yes thank you that's so true, it is emotional abuse and I shouldn't have to walk around behind him picking up rubbish, I'm not a working slave for him. I do have enough for a deposit so I'm going to look around I think as the way he's treating me I know is not ok. X

OP posts:
PinotPony · 24/02/2024 15:22

You've left yourself massively exposed. He could throw you out tomorrow and you'd have no rights to the property. You're not married so the property isn't a marital asset. You could argue that you've contributed to the property but that'll be hard to prove if you've not paid the mortgage or bills.

I suspect your BF knows this.

He sounds very controlling. If you decide to stay with him, please insist on a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor.

Watchkeys · 24/02/2024 15:27

You need to think about what would have happened if we had told you that you were wrong. And why it gets into your head.

You're not happy. You don't like how he's treating you. Why isn't that your guide?

emlouba · 24/02/2024 15:39

Oh it defo is my guide. I am going to leave. It's not right at all, he is very controlling and thinks he higher than me. I've literally had enough to be honest xx

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 24/02/2024 18:17

Have you been saving all the years you haven't been paying? If I was you I'd be buying a place for just you and your child.

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