Strange encounter after falling out with someone

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

I posted something last Sunday about an acquaintance/friend who was on FB and we fell out. Got some good advice here and thought nothing more of it after it happened, we’d just not be friends anymore etc.

So yesterday I had a day off work, I’ve been unwell the first part of the week with unexpected visits and a blood test. Went to meet a friend who lives nearby and past where this first friend/acquaintance lives (she lives about a 40 minute drive away, where we met was approx 15 minute drive away from there) at a local garden centre and had lunch there. We also walked her dogs as it’s nice countryside nearby there too. Then we both popped into the local big Sainsbury’s which is a 3 min drive away from there. I was in the toilets there when someone came into them whilst I was in a cubicle and as I came out of it it turned out it was the friend I’d fallen out with. She turned to me and immediately asked me what was I doing in the area, was I stalking her (her DH had said same thing in texts on messenger to me last weekend). So no small talk eg hi, which I didn’t expect anyway. I told her that no I wasn’t stalking her and it was my right to go where I pleased and meet who I pleased too. I really didn’t want a confrontation or argument. Then I walked off. My friend who I’d met up with (who doesn’t know this woman at all) said she’d noticed this woman after getting her shopping see me go into the toilets and make a beeline for the toilets as though she was following me.

What do I do now? Just avoid her? I was quite shaken up by this but I don’t want to have to avoid certain areas which aren’t even near where I live in case I bump into her again! Should I have avoided that area? My friend said I did and said the right thing to her and that I’d done nothing wrong.

This is the crux of it yes.

What they think about my behaviour is 100% not true and if anything the other way. Like I said here I do think she has a tendency to feed off drama and loves to post every little detail of her and her new DH’s life on SM, even adding me to a travel Instagram site they’d created. I’m not that interested and if I was I’d be her friend. I am not her friend in I think the way she’d like me to be. She’s an acquaintance and nothing more. Her life’s nothing like mine being polite. She’s a different class to me.

I actually find it laughable that she approached me in a supermarket near where she lives, not right near but near enough. And then to approach me in a confined space?! If I was in her shoes I’d write it off to a coincidence and ignore her but she’s obviously a base person and wanted a reaction which I didn’t give her.

I do go to that area but more in nicer weather. It’s a very pretty part of Surrey. In fact I’m taking my DM out for Mother’s Day lunch past that place/area soon, should I not go there then in case I bump into her too?!

You got it in one...unnecessary drama. From both sides. Good lord.

She was only ever a fall back person to use for my hair, she knows that. I normally go to a good hair salon. And managed to get an appointment there after all.

So I can’t ask advice here eh?!

A different class? What do you mean?

To be honest your last few posts come across badly.

No one said you shouldn’t go there. Or avoid the pretty parts of Surrey. But the chances of you repeatedly happening to bump into her there are very small.

and the comment about her being ‘fall back for my hair but now I normally go to a good salon and am going there’ makes it sound like you just used her but always looked down on her.

As I said they could be right or wrong. But that’s clearly how they see your behaviour. And I would imagine their side is different. That’s life. Our side is always different to the other side.

What you water grows. At the moment you’re watering the drama and angst.

She’s not my class. She’s working class but admits this openly to me and told me this is why she thought she was bullied at school by another girl. I mean I’m considered working/lower middle class. She told me she thought I was posh. I’m not!

Re my hair, it was due to distance and after work that I couldn’t go there much before. I worked in the City and then even when I worked nearer her I couldn’t drive to work so I couldn’t drive to her house afterwards to get my hair done as it’d be too late for her to do my hair. I also got my hair done by her over Covid as it was safer and she agreed to this. But I definitely would’ve used her as a hairdresser before if it’d worked for me as she’s one of the best colourists I know. So the fall back comment I worded that/meant that wrong. I’ve never looked down on her at all. In fact I don’t look down on others but concede we all have different backgrounds . Yes, she is from a different background which she admitted and explained to me last time we met but my own father is her class so I couldn’t
or wouldn’t be snobby on that basis alone.

I agree the chances of me bumping into her again are very small but I did do recently and this was a real shock! I swear she did think I was there on purpose but I wasn’t! My friend who I was with has it worse as she uses the medical practice where she works. But she’s agreed to be civil, after all she doesn’t know her and it’s not her argument/drama.

I know it’s me probably overthinking things and maybe I shouldn’t have messaged her DH but due to her behaviour in the past and what’s she’s gone through being widowed I was concerned for her because I’m not some heartless bitch. Even her current DH said he knew we went way back and was sorry it’d come to this. I have no idea why she overreacted to something in the first place in such an extreme manner but it is what it is! I do think we’re probably both intense people who rub each other up the wrong way.

I really am not! I’ve left this alone and intend to do so. I do have a life outside this event you know.

Christ, one minute you 'go way back' the next shes a fall back person, you don't really know her, you're at pains to state she's merely an acquaintance, just your back-up hairdresser and yet you reached out to her DH out of some kind of (I'm guessing faux) concern for her upon not receiving a message back from her. Some of the things you've seen relevant to mention here are actually dripping with unpleasantness. Hope you both can move on as if the other doesn't exist any more.

We were close on Instagram/FB messenger and WhatsApp in eg I was there for her when she texted me late at night drunk…we just didn’t see each other much as I didn’t want that friendship. Anyway it was her now DH who said we went way back, I didn’t think that! Also as I said before it wasn’t faux concern that I messaged her DH. But if she, you, others here etc think it’s faux concern for her then obvs you know my mind and concerns better than I do, eh? I am too f’ing nice and should’ve backed off from her long ago as I said on my other thread which I cba to link to here.

But on that basis I think we both thought we were closer friends than we actually were. To me, the last time I met her at her house her new DP was so unpleasant and unwelcoming to me that I wondered what I was doing there and what she’d told him about me. It was odd to say the least. And then she made envious comments, looks at my car and bag as I was leaving and whilst I was there, wtaf?!

So it’s been a bit hurtful that she’s lashed out at me, unfriended me and accused me of stalking her.

But as I said we’ve both moved on, I have anyway. I was posting here because I found her behaviour on Friday strange and scary and she found it the same so we’re quits! We probably won’t bump into each other again and if I do I’ll just ignore her.

I can't get past the class thing. Good luck OP

I don’t need your good luck! And I think they have the class issue with me based on when I last saw them.

Of course you can.....

My advice would be don't message your friend's husband on facebook behind her back.

You are downplaying your friendship with her to ease your guilt.

God knows what's happened here, were you messaging him and he got quite responsive and she noticed and told you to back off, and he had to come in all guns blazing so as to appear he was supporting her, essentially placing the blame on you.

Anyways, let it go.

You are also a snob.

No, her class means something to you

Her life’s nothing like mine being polite. She’s a different class to me.

This is what you said. Why would you need to be polite about her life if you weren't having a dig.

You mentioned class. Your brought it up.

Ah so now she isn't your fall back and you would use her services rather than the 'good salon' if she you were still speaking?

Why would your friend agree to be civil with her? When is she ever going to deal with her in future, since they had no clue who eachother was in the supermarket?

The fact that you have been once and bumped into her once, means that's its vert unlikely it will happen again.

If someone has blocked you, it means they dont want communication from you. You overstepped boundaries. As you say, both intense. You need to let it go now.

I had something similar happen to me, an ex lived about 150 miles from me, they had been making a bit of a pest if themselves but was clear it was over. They live in a south coast beach town (this is relevant) I visited family one day who live in a coastal town on the east coast and spent the day with them in their beach hut. I got home late and my mobile rang I answered it and was ex on a new number trying to be all chatty, I said im tired ive been at the beach all day, they asked where and I named the place. All of a sudden I'm being called a psycho and a stalker and I'm absolutely bewildered (especially as this person kept ringing me not other way round) and it turned out that they had also been at that beach that day as they had gone with family who lived nearby.

No amount of logic could convince this complete nutter that there was no way I could know they would be at a random beach, on a random day 100s of miles from where they lived (especially as they lived by a beach) and surely if I was stalking them I'd have actually approached them? Made my presence felt?

It was just one of those weird coincidences that happen (to me more than others) and I'm sure it was a bit of wishful thinking that I was stalking them still interested (most definitely not interested). Some people like to think they matter in your life more then they really do and love some drama. I still visit my family in their coastal town and will continue to do so, if weird ex turns up there again I'd say he was the stalker!

You're way out of line here...

I have no interest in her current DH at all. The main and only reason I was messaging him and not her is because I was concerned, as in real concern and not faux concern for her after she suddenly blocked me on all SM. I'm not going into the reason for that here. I recently went back on FB after leaving over Covid. Me and this woman have been 'friends' on Instagram and whatsapp with fairly regular communication. I whatsapped my friend after not hearing from her because I was concerned for her and also wondered why the sudden block/delete on SM for what was no apparent reason or not a big one. I had an explanation on the other thread I posted in relationships that sometimes people just block and delete willy nilly without good reason.

I have nothing to be guilty about at all as I have done nothing wrong!

Her DH died I think 2-3 years before Covid and she was naturally very upset about that and messaged me about that. As I said, I didn't want to meet up as I found it awkward.

I don't actually mind being called a snob. If I don't act a certain way or socialise with certain people I think that's up to me isn't it? Like I said, her white van man DH was quite happy to interrogate me and be aggressive towards me on their doorstep when I turned up as planned for a pre-booked hair appointment which she'd forgotten about. Then once I was inside he was all sweetness and light to me. Then when I messaged him recently he, not me, says "I know you and V go way back" - yes way back in number of years we have known each other, not in terms of friendship and then "sorry it's come to this" - come to what? She was never a close friend, more a 'friend'/acquaintance.

Sorry if it feels like I've made a meal out of this but to be accused of stalking them both and then have her march up to me in a supermarket toilet and again accuse me of the same I find worrying. I'm not the type who wants a stand up row though and nor would I resort to violence. My other friend said she was surprised I didn't slap her, she might have done, but I'd rarely resort to this as it just isn't me!

I think I'll step away from this thread as basically if you're not involved and not me/her/him then you can't really understand what happened and I shouldn't have expected anyone on MN to do so.

Just quickly as supposed to be at work - your scenario mirrors mine a bit, thanks for sharing! An absolute nightmare all round and one I can do without as was at hospital today for an op which had to be rescheduled!

Just quickly - yes I would have used her services if I lived closer or had time to see her. She is an excellent hairdresser (not naming where she's worked as sort of relevant) and her work is great.

My friend was upset that this woman had been unpleasant to me out of the blue. She thought that this woman wouldn't have spoken to me if she'd been there too. My friend said she'd recognise her again if she saw her. She thinks she's seen her at the GP practice which she attends as a patient and where this woman works as a nurse. Of course she should be civil in that situation but my friend feels loyal to me.

The blocking by the way was from both parties - eg me and her. Not just one sided. As soon as I realised I was blocked on SM I ensured I did it everywhere else as I didn't want repercussions. I would've preferred though if she'd had the balls to tell me via message rather than me guess/have to ask her DH, why/how she was blocking me, especially as she runs a business which I've used. That was one of the only reasons I wanted to contact her. As I said before, I didn't want to meet up/be friends with her after she corned me when we were out before and now as she spoke to me in a bullying and threatening way. That's in the other thread. She was the one wanting my friendship, not me!

Her class means something to me because she's made it that way over the bullying by another old classmate years ago who insinuated that she was 'common' and by this woman's comments last time she saw me directed at what I have, a nice but old designer bag and a new car. FFS is it a crime to have something nice?! I think after all these years of not having much with her DH before (who died) she's finally having nice things, holidays away etc with her new DH and this is a novelty for her and she wants to show off about it. Good for her. I'm not like that, never have been, never will be.

It's because it's got nasty here between me and her DH and I think she's envious/snobby towards me - e.g. thinks she thinks I am better than her (I really don't!) and her DH thinks the same. But this seemed to be the same way he thought when I last went round there. I am quite happy for the 'acquaintanceship' to die a death, I just don't want this woman coming up to me in a public place and threatening me. I think most MNers would agree with this.

Anyways... I'm done here.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain hopefully it will be the end of the matter for you now, I'd keep visiting the places you want to visit and not let this silly woman upset you any more then she has. It took another 4 years for me to shake off the ex that "I was stalking" I think the message got through in the end, I just blocked and ignored each time I was contacted, it gets boring for them in the end. I hope your op gets sorted soon and you feel much better

Thank you for your message! Yep, here's hoping this will be an end to it for me.

It has really given me a shake up in terms of 'don't be so nice' (I am too nice!), and 'don't give people you don't know well too much of your time/sympathy'. I've done both of the latter with her and it's caused me nothing but grief! My friend who was with me in Sainsburys, after I explained the whole incident to her, said to me 'you've been way more nice/supportive/kind to her than most would, considering you don't know her that well'. I don't know why I did this but maybe it's a 'wanting to be liked' thing with me. And also we were bullied and at the same school.

I feel that the above and all the drama/angst could've been really avoided if I'd just trusted my gut and backed off from her in the past.

I am so sorry you had to endure 4 years of the stalking and drama from your ex. You do really wonder why/how etc they do this? What's in it for them? That's what I said to my friend, 'why is she that bothered and accusing me of this?' My friend said 'on paper, Gonna, you look like you've got a nice, charmed life, plus you don't post every little thing on instagram etc'. 'Whereas, she does post every thing on FB/Instagram'.

I do think there's an element like I said, of, she now has friends, more her new DH's friends than hers but she has them. She now goes on nice holidays etc. I'm pleased for her! But she never had this before (I know this from when I knew her ex-DH (one who died) at all, so I think she's trying to prove a point now.

Thanks re the op - it was a sort of last minute women's thing which luckily the GP and hospital have been very quick at dealing with but this morning all went a bit pear-shaped from their end not mine! Hopefully sorted soon though.

Oh and @Tara336 , you do sound a bit like me re coincidences - what are the odds eh?! You keep on doing you.

I refuse to be beaten down by people thinking I'm x, y and z and you, me and anyone else should be able to go where on earth they want, and not be accused of stalking. Trust me, if I did stalk someone it'd be someone like Tom Hardy, not some random woman!

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain I think these people crave the drama and need a reaction, also.i think they are gave huge egos and want to be the one who has the final word. I was also too kind and I like to try to be in good terms with people but I have learnt that isn't always possible, I still try to be kind but only up to a point. Glad hospital is sorted for you 👍

I really think this woman does crave the drama and attention, but more so her new DH. It's like they both wanted me to know I was important in their lives, so the stalking stuff. And it makes a good story for them to tell their mates, in the pub.

Actually I recall this woman was like this with her dying DH, she constantly posted updates about him and he did too. Nothing wrong with that, if you want to do that. It wouldn't be something I would do, but I can see how it might help some people. It was awful when he died as he had cancer 3 x and beat it twice and died young (early 50s). I wouldn't wish that on anyone ever.

This woman wasn't like this at all though, yes, she's been bullied, and yes, I think it's tainted her, she doesn't seem to have moved on from it, whereas I have. I don't think she had a huge ego but maybe the potential for one, the DH definitely does seem to have one, he's all about image, SM image etc. Which is as far away as I am in real life from that stuff!

I am exactly the same as you, too kind and like to be on good terms with people and hence my downfall here.

I posted here and then got defensive as I really was quite upset I'd been accused of something I wasn't and didn't do and then accused of faux caring for her, which actually I did do (care about her, not faux care). She's not a bad person and is quite sensitive deep down.

Thanks re the hospital.