What to know, before ending my relationship

[HowDoYouSpellThat]

DP and I (not married) have been together for 12 years. We met when we were both young and have 2 DCs, both still under 8.
Things aren't good. We are growing apart. The breakdown of the relationship has been going on, slowly, for years. He also has problems with aggression and can be quite controlling.

The problem is, I have no idea what breaking up would look like..
I have been the primary parent (putting my freelance career on hold). We both own our house but the majority is his from some inheritance when his mum died.
Which is to say, I dont have a stable career and loads of money in the bank..
What do you wish you knew before you became a single parent? Is there anything I can do now to help myself when we do break up?

I know this is a bit garbeled, theres lots more i could write, i guess i just dont know what to expect. I wish there was a guide.

That my nasty and abusive husband would become even nastier. I'd go around the house and take anything that felt like treasure. Baby scans, passports and get them out of the house and somewhere safe.

I've only just signed up, no idea what I'm doing.
My husband has announced we are to separate but we are both stuck in house. He pays mortgage and utilities so obviously wants to sell the house asap. I don't work due to health reasons. I have filled a housing form in for my local council but obs I'm technically not homeless so I'm still waiting on them to contact me. We have a 12 year old with ADHD and other issues and a reactive dog.
Just a bit lost, any ideas or support welcome.

I could have wrote this last year minus the work details.

My ex and I split up after 11 years we had been together since we were 17, 2 children 2 & 6 at the time.

I hated him being at home and he hated being here but we both jointly owned it.

I have always been the primary carer for our kids whereas he lacked responsibility and could pick and choose the time he wanted to spend with them.

I was terrified of being on my own I worried I would become more depressed as I wouldn’t be able to lead the lifestyle I was accustomed to.

But let me tell you I was very very wrong…

He left last April and paid me £400 per month we had a £252 loan so £126 and the mortgage was £462 so £231 therefore I wouldn’t really deem it ‘child maintenance’ as he probably spent 15 hours max a week seeing his children. But for arguments sake I left it.

I earned £890 for my part time wage, like £160 child benefit, and on top of that I started to receive £750 per month in Universal Credit!

I know it gets a bad rep but I’ve always been very savvy with money/ paying bills and could easily live on £1,700 when I was actually getting around £2,200 in total and was able to save £500 per month! I never had this kind of money before and it was fantastic!

The UC was a good 5 weeks before the first payment and I was able to claim whilst living together as we were separated.

We did argue a lot and the children did witness some of this which I’m not proud of…

Fast forward 12 months and after a break we are rebuilding the relationship that I thought was broken beyond repair. I honestly couldn’t thank him enough for ending the relationship as we were both miserable. But now we’ve grown as individuals and I know I can manage bloody amazingly on my own.

I did however refuse to leave the house as it was the kids’ home and I wouldn’t uproot them but I imagine being the primary carer this would be looked upon more favourably in court I have a friend going through a divorce and she was told that it’s whatever is in the best interest of the child/ children.

Hope that helps!

Thanks @Berosey54432 that does help massively. Just knowing that it can and has been done by someone in a similar position is reassuring. I'm glad that you're in a better position now and thanjs for sharing your experience with me

@ELF44 you need to start your own thread to get some advice xx

I wish I'd known that 50/50 childcare would still mean 100% of the mental load for anything child related falls on me. I honestly thought in the weeks DD was with her Dad I could just get on with looking after myself. But, no, he's still as useless as ever.

Thanks I'm just trying to figure it all out lol

@HowDoYouSpellThat

I ended my marriage in November 2022. I knew my husband was abusive and controlling but didn’t really realise how bad he was until (a) his reaction to the split (b) the months after the split (when as his ex I no longer served a useful purpose).

We always had joint accounts and no money worries so I didn’t really think about the risks and downside of this - it meant he was able to clean out the joint accounts (I managed to get him to put it back but extremely stressful to log into online banking and see $30k gone and not enough to buy groceries with). It also meant that in the year after the split as we financially disentangled I did not have financial autonomy, despite having a good job. Try to squirrel away some money on your own account.

Talk to trusted friends or family about what is going on - I bet there are lots of aspects about your H’s behaviour you haven’t told them. I put on such an Oscar worthy performance tor years that I think many people simply couldn’t believe H’s behaviour was as bad as I finally acknowledged.

Be prepared for him to go one of two ways - to lose interest in any parenting entirely, or to aggressively pursue 50:50 as a way to avoid child support. Mine threatened the latter but now tends to the former as he is lazy and useless.

Get legal advice on what you are entitled to financially and do not agree to anything just to keep the peace- you may eventually decide to let some things go (picking your battles) but only do it after you make an informed choice.

Secure passports etc. Lean on friends and family. One thing that would have made my life so much easier is if I had parents who were in a position to support me practically or financially.

Good luck!!! It’s been so stressful but ending my marriage is the best decision I ever made. My kids are 5.5 and 9 - they were 4 and just 8 when we split - and it’s been hard for them but they are coping really well and thriving not having to live with their toxic father.

We both own our house but the majority is his from some inheritance when his mum died.

You need to find out what the split is if you sold it, and did he ring fence his deposit? You should have signed something when you bought the house detailing this information.

Otherwise you take what is in your own savings account/pension, there is no equal split since you are not married. Any joint accounts split in half and close it. You both have the same right to empty it without sharing so get your share first.

Start a cms claim, unless you think he would pay more by himself.

Remove anything sentimental, including photographs, don't trust him to be reasonable. Keep passports and birth certificates in a safe place.

I agree with taking sentimental things from the marital home. The thing that kills me to this day is that I don't have one scan or baby photo of either of my sons.

I wish I had got married before having DC, as the terms of a divorce for a main parent are far better than merely splitting the proceeds of a house - I bought him out by giving him half equity in my case, been pretty skint ever since, but got to the end of rearing.
Unless he has legally ring-fenced his extra investment in the house, if your name is on the deeds and you are tenants in common, you are still entitled to half the equity regardless of what he had put in, so that is worth looking into. If you can start picking up more freelance and utilise childcare, then do so.