Emotional Rollercoaster

[Oleol]

I have decided to stay off Mumsnet for a while while I figure out myself. I realised that I am not in a good space mentally and because my mind is currently so weak or unwell I tend to absorb everything here and it adds to my anxiety. Then I spend the whole day in my head, not knowing how to get out.

Recently, I shared how I was unfaithful at some point when I was a teenager and I am now married to my DH who I was with back then. Never thought I would end up married to him one day. I love him to bits and I love our DC as well. They are everything to me. I have never done that since and we have been married for 3 years now (we were together from 14), and while the unfaithfulness happened around 18/19 I never did anything like that untill now and I promise to remain like that FOREVER(if we make it to forever ) again this if we "make it" is from my fear and anxiety. I was adviced to forgive myself( Something I find so so hard to do and not mention it as my whole life would fall apart. Of which I know it would definitely would. But I feel so undeserving of my little family. The biggest problem is that I can't resonate with that teenage part of me. When I think back it feels like I'm watching a movie. I can't recognise her, I get filled with shame and disgust when I think of her and how I was.

Last night I stood over my DH and DC ( they were all cuddled up and fast asleep ). I looked at them in tears and I stood there for a good 5 minutes. Just thinking what could happen if he finds out in the long run. What will my friends say. My family. My kids. Last night I saw a thread on a woman wanting to expose husband on WhatsApp group on husbands infidelity. I know that it's not the same necessarily but like I said because of not being to remain rational at this point in my life. I just feel like I'm like I'm just like that man actually . I'm horrible person who just doesn't deserve anything that I have.

I have concluded that I have myself and at times I hate that I hate myself because it takes away the full joy that I'm suppose to be passing to my kids. A friend of mine lost her 4 month old son 2days back and when I went to see her, at the back of my head I thought life is so short. I want to make the most out of my life and not always be caught up in fear, regret, misery with myself and not be fully present in the moment with my kids.

Someone adviced that I should look into therapy because this negativity that I'm carrying is not healthy. I am looking into that and going to schedule an appointment soon. Till then, I think maybe I should just take a break or what do you guys think. Please don't flame me as I can't feel any more worse then this.

I don't know if you should take a break from Mumsnet.

I do think you sound anxious and would benefit from therapy and/or anti-anxiety drugs. These would help you forgive yourself.

We all do stupid things when we are teens. I look back and can't believe how silly I was. But at the time it was what I knew and what I did.

Oh OP.. sending hugs to you. It’s awful battling with yourself in your head. I think therapy is a good thing to start and I’m glad you are looking to book an appointment!

that said.. many people have done so many things in their teens especially at that age that they regret. I cringe when I think back to things I did! the fact you are beating yourself up over this shows that you aren’t the same person as you was back then.

you deserve to be happy and to have your family. 🌷

You stand to loose more than you would gain. Would you honestly feel better for relieving your own guilt? You’ve built a life for yourself don’t ruin it over a stupid mistake you made a long time ago you’ve grown since then like you said you’re not that person you were so seek the help you need and move on with your life

I'll say the same as @Octavia64 - teenagers do daft silly things. I bet just about everyone on this board has done something they'd rather other people.didn't know about! They did it, got embarrassed or guilty about, then packed it away and consigned it to history.
Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no reason to feel as bad as you do, no reason to feel such guilt and anxiety.
Your husband and child need you to be planning your futures with them, not have you stuck in the past agonising over teenage daftness.

Thank you for your responses. Means alot. I guess I feel so horrible, a few weeks ago my MIL randomly posted on her WhatsApp that that the truth is like a short blanket you can cover pull it to cover your body but your toes will creep out. Something of that sort. Meaning the truth always finds its way out. The post had me feeling so so bad. I don't know who or what she was talking about though. But it triggered something deep in me. She adores her son and has always been a miss perfect. Strong Christian values with no compromise. Hence I say if she knew all the bad I got up to when I was younger, it would destroy her. Her judgment would also greatly influence my DH.. what a mess it would be. Wish I can go back. Unfortunately I can't.

Another thing that made so upset and disturbed, last year, this guy( one I had a fling with at 19) texted me. I have absolutely no idea where he got my numbers from. I have been using the same number for years but I obviously assumed that he got rid of my numbers years ago. And I blocked him years ago on my previous phone's obviously. But I don't know it because this is a new phone or maybe he even changed his number but still kept my number. He started by saying hi and I asked who is this? Mentioned his name.

My heart started beating out of my chest. The dread and fear. My anxiety and overthinking is so out of hand lately that I was rude at first. Saying things like where did you get my number. Very hostile. What do you want. He picked up on that and he asked what is the problem. Why are you being so rude. Told me that he was just checking in and he heard that I have two beautiful babies. Congratulations. Who is even telling him all this about me ? Because I'm fearful to push his wrong buttons. I don't know. I have this thing that if I'm rude and I rub him off the wrong way It might lead him to spill the beans. That makes me so sad. 😞The fact that i'm so afraid.

So I was just civil in the conversation. Told him thank you and that I'm well thanks cause he asked how am I. I wanted to tell him to just leave me alone and that he could cause so much trouble for me but I didn't. Instead I just answered his questions, mainly how am I and how's things. Just told him all is well I'm okay. Next day I blocked him. Basically the conversation was just that. Very short and nothing flirty or questionable. I feel absolutely nothing for him and I was thinking to myself what was I thinking back then to do such things. That conversation also made me feel like if my husband knew. Like it made me still feel full of secrets. I wish I could just erase that part of my life forever.

When my husband talks about long time plans for the future, of which I look so forward to with him and the kids. I sometimes think that's if I'm still here. That's if you are still with me and loving me because right now I struggle to feel deserving or see light at the end of the tunnel.

The way I'm so not interested in other men. Even at work, you know there are always men who don't have boundaries at the workplace and I just look at them and think arg shame. Do you really think I'm up for nonsense. And then I think to think at one point as a teenager I didn't have boundaries. Just a girl with a low sense of esteem and didn't think about my future. Didn't think ahead or rationally. Now I look back and I'm like who the hell was that. I'm sooo different from my teenage self. I wish I could love her as a part of me though. But I hate her. I hate that "me"

I look back at the things I did as a teen, and even young adult, and can't believe it was me. I did so many stupid things. I hurt people I was in relationships with on lots of occasions. It breaks my heart and I want to apologise to them all. But it would be silly because they probably don't give it a second thought now. But I have unpicked things and understand why I acted like that; I know I would never act like that now; I have matured, reflected and grown up. I was emotionally immature and hurting myself. So I forgive myself, in the same way that I would and do forgive others that do unpleasant things. You must do the same. I would try to get some therapy around this if I were you.