Unable to raise anything without being told I'm mentally unwell

[Cawlanddaffodils]

So obviously there is a backstory and more issues but there would be far too much to go into.

Basically I'm unable to have any discussion, raise any issue or ask for any help without being told I'm mentally ill, there's something wrong with me and I need help. I can see through his behaviour. Ever since he cheated on me he can't cope with people seeing him as less than perfect and seems to hate me. He's determined to get me on medication. Let Me say I am categorically not mentally unwell (not that there is any shame in mental illness but within my relationship it's used as a means of control).

He used to threaten to not come home and say if I didn't apologise for being crazy/a horrible person then he'd leave me and I'd never cope and I'd have no money. In the end I stopped engaging and responding to the paragraphs of abuse and just said "if you don't want to come home, that's your decision" he'd then go on, I'd repeat the sentence and eventually he'd say "you didn't apologise, so I'm not coming home. I'll be back tomorrow " he'd walk in the next day groping me as if nothing had happened.

I'm struggling that we share a child and I can't bring up any issues or concerns. He's taken to putting our young child on Xbox for hours a day. I wanted to address this but knew he'd be angry. I spent days thinking about how to discuss the issue. I text him (he refuses to talk to my face) and nicely said I was concerned about our son being on Xbox too much but that I wanted his opinion, what did he think was reasonable. I think maybe we should set a limit etc. He messaged a while paragraph basically saying "no I won't give him a limit because you have anger issues (I don't) and if he goes over the limit, you'll be mad etc etc. A bit more slagging me off. A few hours later I ask DP to have child for an hour. Child asks to go on Xbox and partner starts ranting, no you can't go on Xbox because of your mum. Your mum won't let you. She wants you to go out walking at night in the rain. I try to intervene and say I did not say this but he never lets me speak, talks loudly over me and ranting about how it's my fault child can't use Xbox (all in front of child).

This brings me to today; I honestly think he wants to elicit anger in me in a hope I'll look crazy. However I refuse and walk away if he starts trying to argue. I also no longer read or respond to horrible texts as I couldn't cope. He's determined to get me on antidepressants.
He said he was staying at his parents house last night as he had dentist at 12pm. I'm not sure I believed this but off he went for the night. I text him at 2.15 and asked what he'd been upto. He said he'd just got back from the dentist. I basically asked if he'd been at the dentist for over 2 hours and he basically just refused to answer me and sent me a paragraph of deflection stating I'm crazy and insecure. He has no idea how he puts up with someone as crazy as me, I'm mentally not well.
I just replied saying that I was making conversation, it just seemed a long time at the dentist, that's all. Basically, instead of just saying I also got lunch/went to shop/appointment overran, he just kept saying I was mentally unwell.
I honestly think he purposely orchestrates situations hoping I look nuts.
Also to note- he's a health professional and likes to assert that he's in control, to be worshipped etc. Even told me last week that he'a that man of the house and I put the kids first by cooking their dinner at 6pm instead of 8pm when he finishes Xbox.
Anyway, I didn't get a straight answer and his last message was him saying he hates anxiety and insecurity and none of his other exes were as mean as me (he often calls me horrible but refuses to tell me why or what I've done). He said I need sertraline and psychotherapy, unless the psychiatrist states I have personality disorder and then we are doomed.
I'm absolutely fuming but I can't say anything. This is the way things always go.
I do NOT have personality disorder. It's something he started saying when I discovered he cheated on me to deflect from answering questions. If I don't question him on anything, try to only speak when spoken to them I don't get told I'm mentally ill.

He's obviously trying to condition me to "shut up and put up" but I'm not sure how to cope in this situation anymore.

Honestly ladies don’t bother. This is probably the only poster that infuriates me. She pops up regularly posting the same things, people spend time giving advice that is NEVER taken or listened to. She has two children. The older child is not the part time Gp’s who is her much older partner and works something like 10hrs a week. Does nothing around the house. This gem of a partner goes off to his dad’s old house regularly and leaves her to it. Sounds like now the abuse is extending to the younger child too with what he tells him about his mother and excessive gaming. The older child is not liked by her partner and previous threads indicated he was being bullied by him. Did that give the op a push to actually implement the hundreds and hundreds of messages of practical advice? Did it heck. She wants him to propose and marry her instead and is so torn up about the fact he won’t. Op Loooooooves him regardless and couldn’t possibly leave. The rents around are just so high apparently. Relocation obviously is just a no no. It doesn’t matter what treatment her kids are getting. It doesn’t matter what they are witnessing. She certainly does not mind being treated the way she is and will not seek help of any kind. She just likes to pop up periodically and write about the same old same old. And then disappear when posters either recognise her or start getting frustrated when they see precisely zero is going in of the advice given. So honestly, just don’t bother. I promise you are wasting your time.

Hi OP. It doesn't sound like you are able to shield your DC from his behaviour. Therefore it's best to leave and then your DC will only be exposed to him some of the time. Start keeping a diary of his abuse to use against him. Go for majority custody. Don't start by offering 50/50 - he'll only go for more than you originally state - so start low. I usually think it's best to try and stay until the children are older as otherwise the children end up being left with the abusive partner unguarded. However as your DC is not being shielded from this - not your fault at all - it's best to leave now.

Get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. You are not a family, this is not a relationship. Respect yourself and give your child a future where their Mum is happy.

You've been posting about this man for years, I remember that he made you move all your furniture into his house when you were 8 months pregnant so here we are, 5 years down the road, and nothing has changed.

Every thread tells you to leave him. Why don't you?

@Wishedfor - you beat me to it!!

Oh well if you are not going to leave given the backstory, you'd better enjoy being the emotional punching bag for the next 40 years, he will continue to treat you like shit and cheat. Sounds like an awful life to me but you do you.

Sorry your going through this. I had similar with my ex. It started literally days after we'd moved away from my support network, and I was heavily pregnant. Unfortunately he convinced me I was mad, he was gaslighting me a lot, I had pregnancy insomnia etc... anyway I went on antidepressants,spent time in a mbu with our baby. Everything my team thought I was well enough to come off he'd creat a whole scene, knew my triggers and purposely try to break me as a person. Years went by and I started to see through him. I came off the antidepressants i was doing really well. He hated that. When I told him it was over and left him he got even more abusive. He ran off with our children, and claimed I was a mh risk to the kids. Because I'd previously been on antidepressants and the family court system is an absoloute joke, I had to have supervised visits with my mum there which he proposed. He then said lies about my mum and they had to do background checks on her too. It took 6 months to get my kids back, after his lies were disproved and he ended up looking like a completely abusive shit and judge told him off. Strangely enough despite being the most stressful time of my life, a whole year has passed and my mental health has been fine ,no relapse, no need for medication. He was obviously the problem all along. Oh , and he was also working on health care, and thought he could diagnose me, restrain me and whatever other sick shit to keep me in my place.

My advice to you is go to the gp and state what he has been saying to you and gaslighting you and trying to say your crazy. Keep all texts. Contact domestic abuse charities and get your version of events documented wherever you can. If you find the courage to leave him, get legal advice. Get a Prohibited Steps Order put in place so that he cannot take your child from you or fail to return them because he suddenly declares your unstable or a risk. Get your ducks in a row.

My life has 1000%improved since leaving. It was bloody hard but so worth it. You will get there x

I had ten years (and two DC) of being told that I was mentally ill and needed to be locked up in a secure unit. He was in a profession where women fell at his feet and he got one pregnant during our marriage.

He became more and more violent over the years and started on our DD. That's when I finally left.

He married again and ironically both he and his second wife had such severe mental breakdowns that they had to send their DC abroad to relatives as they were unable to provide care. He was finally diagnosed with a lifelong mental disorder (I don't know what) and has had psychiatric treatment ever since.

Obviously I have no mental health problems. My two DC by him have never had any either and lead stable lives. I married a wonderful man who truly loves me and it's an everyday joy to never have to tread on eggshells and have a loving relationship.

OP, please listen to the advice on here. He doesn't love you and you should despise him for the way he treats you. Remove your child from this awful situation and, hopefully, you'll find a better future out there.

Leave, otherwise your son will become a carbon copy of him. Is that the man you want to raise?

To be fair to the OP, it's not as easy as just leaving if you haven't got your finances in order etc. there is also the concern that he will manipulate everyone to think she's mentally unwell for child access. Everyone says LTB but it's honestly not as easy as that, it took me 3 years.

It sounds like OP doesn't want to make the leap. Or can't. Or is too scared.

For years I was too scared or felt I wasn't strong enough. But then the straw broke the camel's back and I said, enough.

There's no point criticising OP. She sounds like she has few people she can rely on (like I don't) and comes on here to just get her feelings out. I don't think she's looking for advice. She knows what she has to do. But is she brave enough? No. I empathise. It's a lonely situation. Luckily for me, despite thinking I was on my own, people showed up. I hope the same for OP.

Some of us are stuck in our ideals of keeping our family together at any cost and forget that it actually damages people more to do so. I hope OP gets her epiphany or lightbulb moment and just leaves.

Didn't read it all as it didn't take long for me to think he is an abusive partner.

Gaslighting you and controlling.

Try to get out?

OP - your post really resonated with me. I honestly thought you were with my ex husband!

you need to leave. Living like this is unsustainable. I’m really impressed that you haven’t lost your temper. I went through a stage of losing it with my ex- he still uses it to say I was abusive. I had all the same fears about my kids, but they’ve been fine. He is lazy with them, but the kids now realise he’s an arse and that actually really important for them to realise by themselves.

the alternative is staying with him and your kids thinking this dynamic is ‘normal’

Hurraaaaaah that hatred and resentment are helping you to put your "love" for this maniac aside and prepare to act in your own interests at last.

I spent days thinking about how to discuss the issue
That's because there's no point discussing anything with him, and there never will be. You know perfectly well what the outcome will be.

If you can't leave for your own good, then focus on doing it for the sake of your child, who must not suffer this toxic nonsense any longer. Good luck

Are these the opening paragraphs of yet another husband-murders-wife news report that has been published in the wrong section?

“Geez, the love at all costs attitude again - sorry, been on here too much, its astounding.
DC love, unconditional. Love for a partner, totally conditional, always should be and is on the condition that they enhance your life and treat you well, anything less, should give you the ick, and if it doesn't, it's because you have issues that require counselling. That's it in a nutshell really.
Sorry its blunt, but it's basic, and if that does not underpin relationships, no wonder they come unstuck.”

This with absolute bells on. Love between adults should be conditional. If your partner regularly hurts your feelings, they aren’t the one for you and you should take your love back. The love you feel for this guy is not healthy love. Healthy love would be shut down by his routine abuse of you.

What did you learn about relationships growing up that you think being raised in this unit is better for your child than being raised in a household where the mother is not being got at all the time? He is learning that this is how men behave in relationships. Perhaps that’s what your H learnt from his father. This is your opportunity to break the cycle.

Btw, it’s very common for abusers to cultivate very respectable public faces. Professionals who deal regularly with domestic abuse (which is what this is) should be able to see through this.

You might find “Women Who Love Too Much” to be a helpful book.

The problem is that I'm not ready to leave. I think I'm trauma bonded and need to work through that

This makes no sense to me. You cant work through that while you are with him. You will just remain the same way.

You have to end it and get out.
You have a duty of care to your child. Get your child away from this man as soon as possible.

I'll be honest I haven't read it all as its very long but good god woman get some self respect and ditch this utter loser.

You can do much much better.

Stay if you want but at the very least save up for the therapy your children will need if they are to have any kind of future happiness.

Makes it easier that you are not married and don't own property together. Can you stay with a relative while you look for somewhere to live, you need to want to leave now you see how abusive he is.

If you are a trainee counsellor you must already be in therapy. Presumably you’ve discussed this with the therapist?
you’ve presented a lot of excuses about why you are going to stay, but the fact you’ve posted on here suggests you know that is not a valid option. He will escalate and who knows where that will end.
As a counsellor and someone with 2 degrees in psychology you will also know of the significant amount of damage you are causing to you DC by staying.
I’ve no advice, you know the answers already.

This!! Enough is enough, you have let this go on for far too long, why keep posting about the awful things he does and do nothing about it? I can never understand people who put staying with a toxic, abusive partner for years above the welfare of their kids. Your poor children. 😢

I beg you to leave him. This man doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He is damaging you, and will be damaging your children.

What would you say if your child grew up and was in your position? What advice would you give them?

The longer you stay with him, the more chance your child willl grow up just like your DH, or will grow up to marry someone like him.

You say you love him. Why? What do you love about him?

If he's a great dad, he'll still be a great dad if you divorce. If he isn't a great dad (he is far from being a good dad) then your child will be better off with some distance from him. Your child will certainly benefit from seeing that their mum knows her worth, is strong, and doesn't stick around when someone treats her badly.

His own family are telling you to leave him.... what does that tell you?

I grew up with an abusive narcissist for a father. I only credit not having a personality disorder myself thanks to my mother leaving him when I was fairly young (7) my older brother was not so lucky.

Although I still had to see my father, it was not every day for which I am grateful. When they were together he would constantly verbally abuse her in front of us which was awful, he wasn't like that with us children so things were a lot less abusive after they split.

Do this for your child. Currently they have no safe space and no respite from him.

In ten years - will you still be putting your family in this abusive man’s way?