OLD: looking for long-term, open to short

[RoséProsecco]

So I'm in 50-something dating hell, having last been single in my 30's & it would seem the whole dating world has changed.

I'd like to meet a partner, not necessarily a live-in one, but am waaaayyy beyond one night stands & casual relationships - I really cannot face that.

Am currently registered on Hinge & keep seeing men "looking for long term relationships but open to short" on profiles.

I'm very cynical about men & think this is them just wanting to have a short term fling or relationship for sex & stringing women along, with no real intention of a long term commitment.

So I'm avoiding these profiles - but have I got the wrong end of the stick.

And of course there's "figuring out dating goals" which means committing to nothing.

Feeling a bit jaded with it all.

Honestly I gave up, it just turned out to be such a tremendous time suck. Just finding someone literate to go on a date with was enormously time-consuming. In the end I figured it was better to keep my sanity intact and stop looking.

It's pointless. OLD does not work for women in their late 40s and upwards.
Better to stay single or look to meet men (some how) in real life.

Unfortunately I don't meet anyone in real life - I work in a female dominated profession & have a very wide circle off all-female friends, who are all married apart from 1.

I have majority care of my DC (11,15) so taking up a hobby just to meet a man isn't something I have time for.

But yes, I agree with the apps, they don't seem to be geared towards older women.
It's just utterly depressing.

I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on which box they’ve ticked or dating goals. Many people don’t really know what they are looking for. Just look at their profiles and their interests and chat to anyone you find interesting. I went on late 40’s and met some really wonderful guys

My translation of this line is: I only want sex, and I want all women as options for me regardless of what they want, so I will tell them I want a relationship if that will lead to sex with women who want more.

Agree with Savoretti, don’t be too quick to rule out on things like that. I ruled out eg smokers, men whose photos were all cycling/running/mountain climbing/skiing etc and all the illiterate ones (sooo many) as I knew that would annoy me long term. Just finding someone who I fancied, could string a sentence together, and didn’t use the words “bantz” or “looking for a partner in crime” was enough of a struggle!

As it turned out my current BF ignored one of my “non-negotiables” and matched with me anyway, and now I know him better it doesn’t seem so non-negotiable, and I realise it doesn’t actually affect me or our relationship.

So don’t let their, probably hasty and ill-thought-out, replies to questions be a deal breaker if they sound interesting.

I'm just trying to protect myself a bit. I saw my last boyfriend for 6 months & fell for him a bit, but he ended things when he realised I wanted more.

I don't want to waste my precious time on men who don't have honest intentions.

And yes of course they all want sex. They’ve been led to believe there’s a whole world of women out there just waiting to worship the mighty penis. We all want sex too or otherwise we wouldn’t be on a dating site. But most men, even if they’re initially just after sex, will also want someone to enjoy spending time with. So as long as you don’t have sex before you’re ready you’ll get a good idea of where they stand on all that when you meet in person.

I only have sex when I feel ready; I just don't want to be someone's option or strung along by men pretending to be invested in relationships whilst just "passing time" & taking the opportunity for sex.

There are not a lot of men out there on OLD in my age bracket. It's kind of depressing.

I don't think I'm being too picky - looking for around a 10 year age range, non-smoker/drugs within about 15-20 miles. Would prefer someone in a professional career & am pragmatic about looks.

I can't even get a like. FFS.

I’m mid 40s and have found it really hard going. Mostly guys trying to turn conversations sexual after a day of chatting. I just don’t get it, these guys prowling dating sites for sex aren’t getting any younger, do they just keep trying their luck until death or impotence? I have also learnt to just keep first dates to a short coffee or a video call, a lot post out of date photos and in reality look a lot older than they claim to be. But I’m sticking with it, there must be someone out there for me!?

I think this transaltes to “i am looking cor a relationship but If I am open to casual”.
i would recommend you to ise Tinder though. And no it’s not only for hook ups.
Re dating, go with an open mind amd do not bave high expectations. Meet men, have a noce night out and let things roll. You mever know who you will end up with and fall in love. If it’s a short casual thing, enjoy it. If it ends up ina long term relationship then great. Life is short. Have fun. I have met some wonderful men on Tinder but of course I have had had my fair share of scums. But these you can just quickly reject and unmatch.

I’m not sure you can read too much into that setting. And, unfortunately, you’re not going to avoid people lying about their intentions on OLD.

I would at least be open to a conversation with the long term / not opposed to short term status guys, and try to get a feel for their real intentions from there.

But yeah… OLD’s a generally depressing experience for men (I’m one, been there, did that) and women both. It’s not much better for the younger gen’s either - my DD showed me the profiles available to her (late teens / early 20s) and they’re just as ropey.

I find it difficult to get my head round the idea of setting out for a short term relationship (for myself). I don't just want to pass time with someone. And I think I would get emotionally involved (I did in my last 5 month relationship & was hurt when he ended it).

It would perhaps be different if I was younger, but in my 50's it's just a grim thought. And I have 2 children at home, so very little time to waste on a relationship which is going nowhere.

But you could have the best of intentions to start a LTR with someone and one, or both, of you find you’re not compatible with the other?

True @PaterPower - but I guess it's in the intention.

I think it's just people trying to keep their options open, and I don't want to be an option.

I've just signed up to tinder again after a break and that was the only option to choose for wanting a relationship.

It was either "long term but open to short" or "short term but open to long term" 🤷‍♀️. I wouldn't read too much into that, you will find out more about their intentions when you start talking to them. If they seem like time wasters just stop messaging them and move on. Good luck!

@seasidegirl83 I’m curious, what made you decide to dip your toe in again?

I stopped OLD over a year ago and I honestly don’t know if anything could convince me to go back.

I struggle to meet people in real life. I've been on and off the apps for 3 years now. Although there's been a few odd men I've had some great dates and made a couple of friends from it too. I'm at the point now where I'd like a long term relationship so thought I'd give it another go.

I try and follow these rules so I'm not wasting my time on unsuitable men...

• First date arranged within a week.
• Quick coffee date for the first date.
• Anyone who gives me the slightest ick or any red flags and I immediately rule them out. I'm quite ruthless!

We will see how it goes! Haha.

Thanks @seasidegirl83 . I also struggle to meet people irl (I know lots of women but few men, for some reason). I basically gave up on the apps because 99% of men didn’t seem able to hold a conversation and those who did either never asked me out, asked me to go for eg on a walk in the forest near their home 🙄, wanted to come to my house after my children were in bed (WTAF) or wanted me to get them off on snapchat or whatever. I think I had 3 dates in a year plus got stood up once!

On reflection I’d be mad to try it again 😂

I don't think I'm being too picky - looking for around a 10 year age range, non-smoker/drugs within about 15-20 miles. Would prefer someone in a professional career & am pragmatic about looks.

You're not being too picky! It's really not much to ask. I could have written this. Sadly I packed in OLD because it's too depressing and a drain on my time and energy. I do feel a bit lonely sometimes but not so much that I'm willing to shred my self-esteem and waste my precious time on going back on the apps.

I think the apps have had their day - just a breeding ground for from behaviour.

There's some speed dating nights in my city - I'd find that much better - but only have 1 single friend & she's not up for it.

I just want to say that this issue isn’t specific to middle age, despite seeing this complaint a lot on mumsnet. I’m 33 and have had a terrible time on the apps for similar reasons. Anyone ‘figuring it out’ gets a wide berth from me. The algorithms recycle the same people, the effort from many users appears to be minimal and it’s a lot of the same faces (ha they must think this about me) each time I hop on for another roll of the OLD dice.

I despair when I see the questions posed by women who go on dates about them being picky for going with their gut feel and expecting some decency etc. If it feels wrong it’s wrong. We don’t owe men politeness