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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help not sure what to do.

10 replies

Pessismistic · 23/02/2024 16:34

Long time lurker I'm really low at the minute relationship is a mess thinking of moving to shared accommodation got mortgage but can't cope anymore married 1 adult dc at home. anyone done this left home own to share with random people and made it. Any advice if you have done it? I'm so low taking medication no family to go to. Please be kind. Thank you.

OP posts:
Mydentity101 · 24/02/2024 00:30

Done it for a few years back in the day but for very different reasons. So long as where you plan to go is secure and not a doss house, it's not so awful - although I've seen the polar opposite too. Check out any place you're interested in thoroughly beforehand, everything above board, proper contract before handing over deposit etc. In a shared environment you definitely need a strong ability to detatch yourself, can't allow it to become your reality. I was always friendly with everyone I lived around but also locked myself off and did my own thing. After all these weren't my mates.

Living amongst strangers under a roof always felt like a short term solution only, you'll find that too.

I hope you're alright

Opentooffers · 24/02/2024 03:27

If you've got a house, sell it and get half of equity is always the best option- unless there is DV necessitating a quick exit.

Pessismistic · 24/02/2024 09:54

Thank you for both your reply i am just very desperate no dv just struggling with everything and can’t see a way out house needs work on it so not able to sell right away.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 24/02/2024 09:57

also forgot to mention renting is double our mortgage so both can’t afford separate living which is also why i’m considering this option.

OP posts:
Julianne65 · 24/02/2024 10:00

Houses are sold in any condition. There was work needed doing on the house we bought.

ShouldIEvenBother · 24/02/2024 16:27

Hey OP, I left my marriage (divorced now) about 10 years ago and went to live as a lodger in someone else's house. Was late 30's at the time, and not what I wanted to be doing as I was hurtling towards the big four - zero at the time, and it felt like a backwards step, but I'm so glad I made that decision. My marriage was terrible and I knew I couldn't stay, I had to leave, even if that meant flat-sharing/ being someone's lodger.

It was a step forwards, although as I say it also felt like a step backwards, but really and truly, it was the first step to making a better, happier life for myself - I couldn't see how happy I was going to end up being by leaving, at the time. It's hard to imagine that far ahead when you are so desperately unhappy in a marriage.

Advice, wise: if your gut is telling you this is what you need to do, then listen to it. I don't know what your particular feelings are about going back to flat sharing, but there is no shame in it, whatever our age. No one has a perfect, linear life, and we figure things out as we go along. Figuring stuff out is what matters, and making adjustments however uncomfortable at the time they are - this is what matters rather than maintaining a status-quo that serves us nothing positive.

Try and view it as the first of a number of positive steps you will take to get your life on a path that will bring you happiness. Flat-sharing doesn't have to be forever (unless you end up wanting that, of course!).

Also, have a think about what sort of arrangement you want, i.e. would you prefer a flat share where everyone mostly keeps to themselves, or do feel that living with really social people who want to chat and spend time with you some evenings/ days out would be preferable?

How many people would you like to live with?

Consider being a lodger also - in my experience (I was a lodger in the past, pre-marriage, and also flat shared pre marriage), it's a slightly more straightforward arrangement as there's no hassle of yourself and the other flat mates having to find replacement people if another tenant leaves, which is a situation I've been in a few times.

Think about what is possible with your budget, and what are deal breakers for you - do you want a garden? A balcony space? A communal lounge? Near to a station? Write yourself a list of what you definitely want, and what you'd be prepared to not have.

If you don't have to move imminently, go and arrange some viewings and just let the idea settle a bit more, it might help things feel more real, and help you to mentally and emotionally prepare. Also, don't panic if you go see somewhere and it's awful - it definitely doesn't mean the next place you see will be awful (it's a mixed bag of standards out there in my experience!).

My own experience: I felt HUGE relief once I moved into my new place with my then landlady. It was absolutely fine! I slowly started putting my life back together, ended up also renting a cheap art studio nearby after about 9 months of leaving my now ex-husband, and began to enjoy all the things I'd been missing for so long. After 2 years I decided to move closer to my job, and to a nicer part of town and so I then lived in a flat-share with 3 other women for another 2 years, then a few years ago I decided to move north, and rent on my own - my job became permanently wfh, so I took advantage of being able to have cheaper rent where I currently live. I now have a really spacious 2 bed flat close to a lovely, small city by the sea, and am so much happier. It's not mine, I don't own it, I left my ex husband with nothing, and I may never own my own home again. However, life is a million times better than it was. I regret marrying the man I married, but zero fucking regrets about taking the leap and leaving (in my case with nothing) when I did.

Good luck to you OP, feel free to PM me if you want.

Pessismistic · 24/02/2024 18:09

shouldievenbother thanks for your reply it is so hard as i really don’t know what i want all i know is im unhappy and cant afford my own place i never thought about being a lodger i just wanted a safe secure place with a bathroom of my own. i am so glad it worked out for u i’ve never shared before except as a child and a marriage and it does scare me. thanks everyone for your replies i really appreciate them.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/02/2024 18:22

I think it very much depends on the people you share with.

You've just got to look for room adverts where you think you'd click well with the person, go along for a viewing and trust your gut.

The who is the most important thing. Moreso than the flat or the room.

You probably want someone who's pleasant but not going to live in your pocket imo. Maybe someone who is out lots for work. Ideally different work schedules (avoiding bathroom rush) and similar sleeping schedules.

Ask them what temperature they do the washing at and how often. Ask them if they've an odd quirks. Ask them if they play a musical instrument.

Home wise, consider how easy the access is for local shops. Check out the parking situation. Ask the council tax band.

Ideally take short contracts (eg: lodger agreements that have a notice period you can decide together). That way if you don't like one place, you can hop out and find another.

Always check what bills are included.

It could be a fab adventure. It could be awful. But theres always another flat and new flatmates. All you have to do is be willing to pack up and move on.

Pinkbonbon · 24/02/2024 18:25

Oh and check out the bathroom. If you want to share a bathroom with someone, you want to know they keep it clean lol. I'd avoid flats where you have to share a loo with men personally (not that they cant be much tidier than women's bathrooms tbf! But I just wouldn't want to share a loo with a guy).

Pessismistic · 24/02/2024 19:12

thanks for your replies i wish i had the answers will start with viewings for now then think more about it i feel trapped. the col doesn’t help. a few years ago i cud have afford my own place now i just cant.

OP posts:
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