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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get the day to day "nice" bits back and have more physical contact?

2 replies

BrusselsPate · 23/02/2024 13:16

Wasn't really sure how to phrase this.
It's a bit about the everyday things like him not greeting me and not wanting to have a quick chat when we get back from work, having a hug for no real reason, or a kiss; but also about being able to have more non-sexual physical contact with dh.
We've been together nearly 25 years and seem to have let these things slip. I've mentioned some of this to DH and he responds initially but any change very quickly drops off. He can also get very defensive. He's generally of the opinion that doing housework, washing my car, being good at DIY etc, should be enough for him to show me that he cares. And the fact that we love each other should be enough for me to want to have sex (I do fancy him as well).
I'd love to be able to to give him a kiss and a hug more than we do but he almost always sees it as a green light for sex, which sometimes is ok, but when it's not he acts hurt and I end up feeling guilty.
I don't want big romantic gestures. We know we love each other, but I feel we need to show it a bit more in our day to day lives. I do try to sometimes, but because of either a negative or shocked reaction, or him thinking it's a come on, I don't do it very much. I'm not saying we have no physical contact outside of sex, but it is very limited.
Ps we have a good sex life, but I know DH would like it more often.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 23/02/2024 16:28

i think one of the issues is that he associates kisses as cuddles as prelude to sex every time . I’m a bit like your DH as I do want sex more than my DP and some advice I got on here is to kiss and cuddle him without trying it on lol and we do every night on the sofa as well as throughout the day as we both wfh most days. We are both very tactile so even when he’s driving he will squeeze my leg. Maybe kiss him at times when it’s not appropriate to get frisky like just before the house? Or go for a walk and hold hands and have a long chat?
Another thing is why does he react negative to affection sometimes? Does he think you are teasing him? Things he does do for you are all very helpful and maybe what he’s trying to say is that this is his love language and yours might be a bit different? Again my DP does great acts of service for me and I’ve come to appreciate that as how he loves me but the physical contact including sex equally important for me. Sorry if I’ve rambled x

Secondstart1001 · 23/02/2024 16:28

Sorry meant “just before leaving the house”

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