Stuck in a relationship for economic reasons

[VPTJ2024]

I’ve been in my relationship for 12 years. We have two kids. 2 and 7 yo. We have a house and mortgage together. We both work full time and make good salaries.
Unfortunately, our relationship is not working anymore. It hasn’t for a long time. We did therapy for years but although it helped us understood why we are the way we are it didn’t help us overcome our issues… I think I’m ready to move on. It’s been too long however, we wouldn’t be able to afford two houses and won’t qualify for any help because of our salaries. So the question is, is anyone in a similar situation? Is it possible to live together even if separated and how does it work logistically? ATM I do all drop off and most pickups, I cook all the time, I do everything inside the house and I don’t feel it should continue like this. It’s like having 3 kids.. I feel stuck and trapped. Any advise super welcome 🤗

I have known people who cohabited , separate bedrooms and it worked for the sake of the kids and any dates are to be outside and never thought inside the home until you can afford to go off on your own .

It's not easy to be honest so I guess you have to think, why kill yourself and stick it out because of finances

I do know someone who did this and they did it for a decade. He still loved her, she hated him. By her own admission he was just not the right man for her. They were incompatible completely but she fell PG very early on.

If either of you see someone else it’s going to erupt really, which is what happened with my friend.

You have tried therapy, you need to break up. Do not sleep with him at all, I am wondering if you had a good patch hence having a 2 year old. Did you ever really like him?

Well.. let’s say that I tried my best to make it work for a long time. And as my therapist said (I also started therapy on my own), I learned to tolerate the situation the way it is. I wanted a second baby he initially didn’t but then changed his mind. Took us a couple of years just to agree on that. So then it happened but I can’t say things were different. I feel like now I’m just tired of tolerating anymore. We are on two different pages, have been for ever almost, about many things. The problem is communication. He doesn’t talk at all. The only time we would talk was during the therapy sessions. We sleep in separate rooms too. We are not seeing anyone else. At least I’m not.. and I’m not interested in that side at all right now. I just wish I could have the place for me and the kids without his mess all around and having to do literally EVERYTHING…. We haven’t talked in weeks and as usual, he won’t make any step fw to try and talk again. He never did that step on 12 yrs… I’m just tired of trying to make this work by myself. No point anymore 😥

Sorry you are going through this.

A friend is cohabiting with her husband. They’ve been broken up for a couple of years with no plans to move on currently. They do their own thing but some family things too. They have 2DCs. Not ideal but I think it seems to work ok most of the time though she does way more than him re childcare/house stuff. She introduced a boyfriend to the DCs against his wishes a while ago which caused problems, but I think it’s smoothed over a bit now..

I think cohabiting can work for a while, but I think you need to have a timeframe and plan for the future to separate properly which will help you get through it.

If you’re going to separate, actually separate. You are messing with your children by living this way and setting bad examples for their own adult relationships. If you’re both on full time wages you can absolutely make it work. Sell the family house and both of you down size. It is better for the children to have two separate happy homes rather than one weird one where they know somethings wrong but it’s never talked about.

The situation sounds like it’s been shit for years, so would accept the financials and housing will be hard, and make a plan for yourself, then instigate sale of your home.

In the meantime wouldn’t share a bedroom or do domestic work for your DP.