Still struggling 5 years after split

[Dumdedum25]

It’s almost 5 years since my partner walked
out on a 10yr relationship. We have no kids - he couldn’t make his mind up if he wanted them or not. Anyway 2.5 years ago (when him and I were friendly and building bridges) he text me to let me know his GF was pregnant (whilst also acknowledging I would find it hard). It was a massive shock and I have yet to respond to that text and we haven’t spoken since.

Since then my mental health has been shit. Feeling totally worthless and wondering why her and not me? I’m in my 40s so have missed my chance of being a mum and I am so sad and angry with him but also myself for loving someone so much that I would have stayed with them no matter what.

The last week Ive made progress - drinking less, eating better, exercise etc. But tonight I found out they have another baby on the way. Cue the tears and intense sadness and feeling like complete shit again. I’ve just filled in the NHS talking therapies link as I have had enough of feeling like this. I am literally wasting my life grieving for someone who has probably forgotten I exist. And it saddens me so much that someone who meant so much has done things which has resulted in such pain and is now a stranger.

Anyway, any other advice on what could
help would be appreciated. At the
moment I think my choices are therapy or medication. I had thought that maybe talking to him to get closure would help but he isn’t going to do that as it was me who cut contact with him.

Thanks.

God, that must be so hard OP. Are you grieving the loss of him or the loss of your opportunity to be a mother?

Wow I have felt similar in different ways I call it love it hurts it changes and it gets better lucky man to have had that love you sound really strong x

OP so sorry, what a shit time for you. Wish I could give you a hug.

Easier said than done but my advice would be to focus on what you do have....FREEDOM, something your ex will be craving right about now! Can you take a break at work, travel, learn about yourself and have some fun.
Don't sit around dwelling on the past, he's already taken 15 years. Don't give him another day x

Dear OP - I feel your pain and I just wanted to send you a compassionate hug. What you are experiencing is grief, and grief doesn’t go away, but you learn to live with and build a life around it, a life that will eventually bigger than the pain. You cannot recover the time that you spent in that relationship but what you can do going forward is to really value the time and the freedom that you have right now, as a single person. Value and love yourself. Do the things you want to do, build strong friendships, focus on health, career, travel - whatever gives you joy and is important to you. You never know when a possible new candidate for a partner shows up in your life. And when they do - be discerning. Know what relationship you want. If it’s not progressing the way you want - walk away from it. Learn to choose people wisely. Choose those who choose you.

@Beach2lion thanks for replying. Yes I often wonder if I’d feel this way if we he didn’t have children. They are basically living the life him and I should have had.

I’ve tried to move on. I’ve redecorated a lot of the house and tried to make it look different, I have been seeing someone and more recently I reduced contact with his parents so that we are now barely In contact. That’s another source of loss/pain as I love them so much and was so close to them. But my ex having a child was too much and I didn’t want to hear about it but also didn’t want them to feel they couldn’t talk about it. I’ve also been angry that my ex has moved on so well with someone (who may have been on the scene before the split), meanwhile I am a mess. I am angry he gets to walk off into the sunshine leaving me behind too scarred to move on. And people (like his parents) probably think this is all fine. If they knew how I felt they would probably think I am being ridiculous but I really loved him and don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about anyone else again. In fact this experience has made me feel that I don’t ever want to love someone that much again as it can cause too much pain.

@eatthecheese I think that could also be a factor as at the moment I don’t feel I have freedom. Stressful work and lack of money mean I’m not able to get away and have adventures. I feel like like I am just existing day to day and there is nothing to look forward to. I helped support my ex financially and now he has nice holidays, a new house and 2 kids and I couldn’t even afford to have 1. I’m also looking after the dog we shared who is now getting old and having medical issues.

It sounds like you have have been left in what feels like permanent grief following your break up. Unfortunately, as you are finding it cannot just be turned off. I'm also sorry to say that these feelings can last much longer and go into decades of sorrow for your loss. It's okay to think of him and it sounds like that's something you might always do, but try (; yes it's hard) to change your focus away from dwelling on the past, and you'd be surprised how common it is that others also have the same experience, you must definitely aren't on your own. TT might enable you to process things, accept closure and retrain to focus on building a positive future . You can do that and you can be happy.

Thanks @Letsbepractical. I agree that this is definitely grief for both my ex and also the life that I thought I would lead. Cutting contact with him was hard but I hoped in time it would be easier. But in fact I feel worse. I regret not letting him know how I felt and getting some answers as opposed to just walking away which has led to me constantly wondering why my life has turned out like this.

I hope therapy will work to help me re-frame and be more rational. But even if I deal with losing him, losing out on a family is
something I cannot fix. I could try for a baby with current partner if I wanted. But it wouldn’t be the same - I want a family. I’d also have no support and I’d worry about complications because of my age. My current partner is lovely and he loves me. But I honestly think my ex has messed my head up so much that I still feel that I cannot commit fully to anyone else.

My H had to finally finish his previous relationship so we could be together. She clearly still liked him, an by all accounts she was a nice woman, just not the right fit with him. He clicked with me, it wasn't anything planned but he (well we but I am trying to put this across from a his point of view) became lighter. It was just a personality meeting not malice.

It sounds like you view this break up as some sort of competition, he got the babies and holidays you got the dog. But it's not like that. H didn't win our family. We took a gamble if you like we were early 30s wanted to be parents, hadn't known each other long. But it felt right.

People don't have kids to win the life competition against exes. It's just what happens with some people and not others.

It's been 5 years. Try and look at just your life and not his. You have a partner you could try for a baby with, that is "more" than some have. A dog that needs your love and care. You clearly know how to sustain long caring relationships (keeping in touch with ex parents), a home you have done up, there's a lot to be enjoying.

It is likely your ex and new family don't really think about you much if at all. They have moved on. You need to release your bitterness towards them, they haven't done anything wrong, you are only stunting your future by it still taking up so much of your life.

Can you put all this excess time and energy into forwarding your job/career? Towards more income? Then more holidays, early retirement perhaps?

Therapy yes 100%
medication maybe
also start following socials on people and things that interest you
be it solo travel , beauty , work - whatever

I totally get it that you are ‘stuck’ and the only person than can unstick this is you

but you are also FREE to follow a path of your choosing

Dear X
I know I'm very late replying to this but I just wanted to say "congratulations" on becoming a father. I hope you are enjoying it and that your child is happy and healthy.

I'm going through a period of time where I need to make peace with my past so that I can move forward and part of that is to forgive myself for loving you more than I loved myself and for allowing your needs to come before mine. It's a mistake I will never make again. I would also like to tell you that I forgive you for not loving me as much as I loved you, it's shitty but it happens and I understand that. What I do not forgive is that your cowardice and inability to be honest may well have robbed me of my chance of becoming a mother. You stole something from me that you had no right to - my time - and I have come to the conclusion that this is one of the most grotesque things a man can do to a woman. I know that in some ways I brought this on myself for not being true to myself so I guess I got what I deserved and I have no doubt that you will get what you deserve as well .
Tell your parents that I never want to hear from them again. They are to delete my number and never contact me ever again.
All the best x

If I were you I would start with something like that: no wonder you are still angry if you never let it out.

Then get some therapy. No meds. Just talk to a professional.

Then ask yourself if you have learnt your lesson from this relationship? Are you going to continue wasting your time or are you going to start walking forward to see what else life has to offer? Life doesn't move backwards.

40s is still young, you have a whole 1/2 a life left to live. Make it count. Good luck.

Unhelpful advice. The problem isn't that he had children and moved on. The problem is that he led her on for 10 years and wasted her prime child bearing years stringing her on with no intention to start a family even though he knew that's what she wanted.

Anyone that can do that is a psychopath and even if she doesn't realise it yet she is better off without him.

yeah you need to totally unlink your mind with this man and stop focussing on "what you could have had".

Block him, unfriend all his friends and family, stop keeping an eye on what is happening in his life, move houes, move area, block every avenue where you may possibly be exposed to any reminders of him!

Envy is the thief of joy, and unfortunately for you - you spent your child bearing years with a wastrel of a man in a wastrel of a relationship (hard to swallow but unfortunately true). But, its happened, you can't go back, you can't turn back the clock - you cant have THAT life; and you are doing no good by coveting his life. You need your own.

You cannot have the life you could have had; you need to find peace and happiness with the life that is available to you now; whether that's finding a hobby, finding a man to have a baby with, adopting a puppy - i don't know how you find peace but you need to find it, whatever it is - you need to find a life that you can be happy with and leave the past behind you. I say this as i did similar to you and by the time we spilt i was too old (and single etc). I had all the - i want you in my life BS, i want to be friends etc. Nope bandaid off - for your own sanity and health you need this to be your past.