When and how did you learn to love being single?

[friendswiththemonstera]

I just hate it. I know my ex was totally unsuitable but I hate being single. I feel so unsure of myself and crap even though I have a good job, plenty of friends and lots going for me on an objective basis.

I know I need to learn to be ok single before I can trust myself to date. But I just don't know how. What was the turning point for you? How long did it take?

I was enjoying myself too much plus studying for professional exams. This was ages ago pre online dating times.

I think it’s an ages and stages thing as well. I spent mid twenties to 30 single after I broke up with my serious BF I was living in a shared house with three other people and there were people out every night in the very sociable dept I worked in. You could go in to the pub near my dept and someone I worked with would be there.

On an emotional level if I hadn’t met DH I was never that bothered about having a boyfriend again. I didn’t intend to marry or have children especially but I did.

Always when I've felt that I've got my home and my bed back with a sense of relief.

Following as it’s also something I struggle with. I love being in a relationship and I don’t really like being single, although I have been for longish stretches. Would love to know the secret of enjoying single life.

At 51, I became happily single. Determined never to enter the dating bear pit ever again. Never dealing with chancers. Never dealing with passive aggressive nonsense. Never tolerating bad behaviour. Never looking for validation from men for how I look or what I do again. After my marriage ended at 40, I had three relationships of months/ years. In every case, the man had left one or more marriages, and had baggage of a financial and/or emotional nature. They were too keen on the cohabitation/ marriage option, and I felt like I was being used as a buffer for their future pension pots. I also felt that I could have spent the time invested in dating better on other things that would make my life happier. This might be career training, hobbies or interests. I have held on to the feeling of utter disappointment in my last boyfriend. I really liked him, and enjoyed his company. He ticked all the boxes when I first met him. When he eventually revealed some skeletons in the closet to me (two years into the relationship), my gut told me to run for the hills. I did, and haven't looked back. He chased, he pleaded and I ended up blocking him all ways to focus on 'me' time. I haven't been very well lately (cancer diagnosis and other medical issues) and it has made me more selfish. It made me realise we all have a fixed time on the planet so what you fill those days doing is quite important. No more adopting other people romantically or friendships. No more putting my feelings or wants on the back burner for the sake of others. If I have a moment of doubt, I remind myself how much more content I am single, and how half the adult population are single.

I went through a horrific divorce after a long marriage. Ex-h had an affair and left when our son was 2 years old. I did date a bit and then had a FWB thing for a few years but I don't want another relationship and I'd certainly not live with somebody again. It took a while but I eventually came to terms with that decision. I don't want my son having a step parent and I don't think I could ever trust anybody again. I have a full life and loads of friends and that is more important to me.

@MorticiaSand You put so eloquently how I feel. I have also had cancer, although I am currently well, and it really does change your perspective doesn't it? I see so many of my friends in shitty relationships, useless partners who are selfish and self absorbed and I will never do that again. Nor could I ever trust anybody again.

What do you mean by feeling unsure of yourself? I think it's worth remembering that having a partner is unlikely to fix that.

I love being single. My last relationship lasted about six months and we split about a year ago. I ended things because, although he was a perfectly lovely guy and I enjoyed his company, I was starting to resent the expectation to make lots of time for each other. I started to realise how much I missed being single and having all my time to myself. I like being selfish, making all my own decisions without having to consult another person (even stuff as small as what movie to watch or what to have for tea). I thoroughly enjoy my own company so I seldom miss sharing experiences with another, and I get all the companionship I need from friends and family.

I used to be the kind of person who felt I needed to be in a relationship to feel complete, but I realised it's more so the opposite. Being in a relationship tends to chip away at some of my puzzle pieces. Parts of my wholeness become lost in the sacrifices and compromises I have to make for another. I feel most complete by myself.

This. Best wishes for your health MorticiaSand.

I never been the relationship type person but after breaking with my daughter father I just realised that living in a couple was overrated.
I understand people who like it and are very well suited to their partners, no problem with that, but I rather to be happy on my own.

It saddens me that 'we' (society) place expectations on young people so they grow up thinking that to be coupled is the default state and to be single is abnormal.

As a child, you're 'single'. Then many books / films / songs tell you that you should be looking to date and couple up. Then get married and have children. Relatives start teasing you about your bf / gf when you're about 12. Then they start asking if you're dating / are you getting engaged / when's the wedding. We grow up thinking that to find someone else should be a focus, and that if someone wants us it's a measure of success.

Then if friends start coupling up, we feel pressure - why are we the odd one out? What are we missing out on?

So people couple up much younger than they probably should. They risk choosing the wrong partner. Because they aren't yet sure he they are themsleves, so how can they know who the right partner is? And also because they are rushing, under pressure, to find someone. They accept someone who isn't perfect for them, just so they have a 'partner'. The risk is greater if they feel pressure to have children. And they stay with unsuitable - even abusive - partners because they dread being single. Partly because society has told them that single is odd, that it's some sort of failure, and partly because they've never tried being single as an adult and assume they can't live like that. It's a frightening prospect.

So then we have adults who are scared of being single. When actually single is the default position. It's how we start out. And we should only stop being single when we find someone who is perfect for us.

I know this isn't answering your question Op. Sorry for the lecture (not aimed at you!). It increasingly frustrates me that society has created this situation where you have to learn how to be single, when you were possibly rushed into being coupled in the first place.

Single is 10000 times better than being with the wrong person. We need to be better at showing our children that, and to teach them that single is great. It's the best way of learngin independence, learning who you are, learning your boundaries, learning what you want and need from a partnership, making you a more rounded person, and therfore - if you choose to couple up - making you more likely to choose the right person, and to walk away when someone treats you badly.

*I know I've made some generalisations, and also that things aren't as bad as they used to be in respect of societal pressure, but it is still definitely very much there.

@MorticiaSand and @yellowsmileyface I really wish I could thank youmore than once for your posts, you've articulated it so much better than I can. And like @Epidote, I've never been a relationship type person, soI'm perfectly happy being single. Being married was a disaster.

I read a really interesting article about bedrooms recently. For children, getting a bedroom all to yourself is exciting and a privilege.

But in adulthood, we meet a partner then the default is sharing a bedroom again. It's a step back, not forward. Even sharing a bed at all is weird when you think about it, yet we just do it.

If we didn't live on a poky island we could at least all have a room of our own. I dream of it.

It was only when I got divorced 10 years ago that I realised how much happier & healthier I am single. It’s simply the best way for me, the only way I can be in control and relax.

I have a firm belief that it should be compulsory to be single for say, 3 years, at some point between the ages of 18 and 25. This is totally unrealistic as I’ve no idea how you’d make it happen…

So many young people grow up thinking that being in a relationship is the ultimate sign of success in life (fuelled by comments from friends, family, media as mentioned above). Or if following the “casually dating” trend, they measure success by how much attention they attract from the opposite sex on that scene.

Young people should be encouraged to first find out who they are, how they can be the best, happiest version of themselves, without needing a partner to feel worthy of it. Dating standards would then be higher, and you wouldn’t have women (and men alike) going out, moving in, getting married to people that don’t add significant value to their lives.

I was single until the age of 24 - through circumstance rather than choice past a certain point. It was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me, because I learnt to love myself, to not put up with crap from others, and to not let anyone into my life that wouldn’t be an improvement on the existing circumstances. Love is a wonderful thing, and we are social beings, not destined to live purely on our own.

Too often we (especially women) choose “love” over setting boundaries, over knowing our self-worth, over demanding and extending the respect we all deserve.