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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice about accusarions

20 replies

Sai23 · 22/02/2024 23:08

Hi everyone I just wanted to get some advice from non family members.
i am a first time mum of a beautiful 4 month old.
my relationship with my husband has been very difficult recently. He works full time and I’m doing all of the housework and childcare. I have some help at home but most of the responsibility falls with me.
Yesterday my husband came home early without informing me. I had been needing to get some skin care products from the shop and asked him if I could pop out quickly as he was home early and could look after the baby. I left some pumped breast milk for him to give her if she was hungry and the nanny was there for another 30 mins. I told him I would be an hour but came home 40 mins later ( I was away from 2:15 to 3:45) as I bumped into someone at the mall and was chatting for a bit.
i messaged him just over an hour after I had left to check if everything was okay. When I came home he told me he was surprised I suddenly needed to go to the shop and that any caring mother would have called to check that the baby had fed. I explained that I assumed he would be able to look after her to which he said no it was my duty to call. Was I in the wrong?

He has told me on many occasions that I am not being a good mother. Today I told him that ever since our daughter was born it seems as if he has been looking for evidence that I’m a bad mother. He replied saying he thinks I am paranoid for using language like ‘collecting evidence’. I’m just looking for non biased opinions as my family think he is completely wrong to speak to me like this.

OP posts:
BelindaOkra · 22/02/2024 23:13

He sounds awful.

LadyMcLadyface · 22/02/2024 23:16

He's in the wrong. 100%. He should not be speaking to you like this.

Andthereyougo · 22/02/2024 23:21

Of course he’s in the wrong.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/02/2024 23:28

He does sound awful. Do you have anywhere you could go to if necessary?

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 23:30

He sounds controlling and nasty.

TooraLoora · 22/02/2024 23:34

He doesn't sound reliable

Sai23 · 22/02/2024 23:35

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve been contemplating separation but have been a little scared to take the step because of the baby.
does anyone have any experience of this? Am I able to leave the house and take her without his consent?
any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
jm9138 · 22/02/2024 23:37

Just for a point of clarity - you say you do all the housework and childcare but the nanny was there? Or is that a typo?

Sai23 · 22/02/2024 23:46

I have a nanny who helps a few hours a week with the baby. However all of the meal prep, laundry and basic housework is down to me. When she’s not around I’m always with my daughter and I absolutely love looking after her. I’m lucky to have some help as otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get anything else done.

OP posts:
jm9138 · 23/02/2024 00:15

How was he before your child was born?

Heather37231 · 23/02/2024 00:19

Sai23 · 22/02/2024 23:35

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve been contemplating separation but have been a little scared to take the step because of the baby.
does anyone have any experience of this? Am I able to leave the house and take her without his consent?
any advice would be appreciated

Your use of “mall” suggests you are not in the UK. You need legal advice specific to the country you live in.

Sai23 · 23/02/2024 00:30

It’s been a rocky marriage. He has fallen out with my family and would often say horrible things about them and blame them for many of our disagreement's. He was never one to help out with the chores even before I went on maternity leave. His rationale was that as I worked part time (4 days a week) I should do more around the house. I’m still responsible for contributing 50% of the mortgage.
He has said some nasty things to me in the past but it wasn’t all bad which is why I stayed with him. However since the baby I feel that he has become a lot more judgemental

OP posts:
Sai23 · 23/02/2024 00:31

I am in the Uk. I meant a shopping mall like westfields

OP posts:
MsRosley · 23/02/2024 04:03

He was punishing you for leaving him with the baby, OP.

You absolutely can take your baby and leave - or ask him to leave.

duende · 23/02/2024 06:38

I am sorry, he sounds like an arsehole and you actually sound scared of him. Am I right?

He doesn't make your life better in any way. I imagine single early motherhood is tough but being in a relationship like this is tougher.

Do you have family or friends you could turn to for support?

Newnamehiwhodis · 23/02/2024 06:43

My God, can’t he look after his own child? You’re not the only parent here, and you’re not his servant. He doesn’t sound like a good partner at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2024 06:46

It’s not you, it’s him. He is abusive and such men do not change.

I was not surprised to read that your marriage has been rocky, it is still
the case. He punished you for being out and leaving him with his child.

I would plan an exit from this marriage with due care and attention. You are in the U.K. and have rights in law, exercise those fully . Seek legal advice asap on all aspects of divorce here as knowledge is power. Do not continue to raise your child in this current household long term.

Sai23 · 23/02/2024 09:40

Thank you for all the messages. Yes I am scared of him and often worry about saying things which would upset him. Does anyone have any contacts who could help me find out more about my rights?

OP posts:
RadicalSoul · 24/02/2024 18:16

Hi @Sai23 , I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I did a quick search for you and I’m not sure what the perfect place is for you to get information on what to do next. A good first step is always calling Citizens Advice. If they don’t have the right info they definitely have the right places to signpost you to! Here is a link: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/ways-to-end-your-marriage/

wishing you lots of luck and strength!

Ways to end your marriage or civil partnership

Find out how to end your marriage or civil partnership. Divorce or dissolution is the best, permanent way. But you might want a legal separation or annulment.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/ways-to-end-your-marriage/

Sai23 · 25/02/2024 14:32

@RadicalSoul thank you so much for having a look for me.

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