Confused

[soveryconfused85]

Name changed. Would like some advice.

Married 14 years, 3 kids. Approx 4 years ago, we went through a really bad patch. DH was not very nice; controlling, putting down, mocking etc. This cumulated in an awful incident.

Following this I made horrific choices. I befriended a colleague, told him all of above. Slept with him one night. In all honesty, this person is so far from who I would ever want to be with- am so very ashamed of the whole incident. However, I was attracted to the feeling of being safe, and being wanted.

I told husband, didn't want to lie. I went to individual counselling to understand why I did this, I took responsibility for my actions and have been remorseful on this topic since.

Things have been much better. We get on, kids are happy, we genuinely enjoy each others company.

My problem/dilema. I feel I worked hard at understanding where and why I went wrong, have apologised, worked hard to try and build up trust. OH has never worked on his side. I cheated and therefore I am wrong. And I don't disagree that my actions were wrong, but the controlling behaviour, the incident that happened. This was before I cheated, and it seems to have beeen swept under carpet.

How do I stop feeling resentful? I know I was wrong- this isn't about me not accepting blame, I do. I feel I need him to accept responsibility for his part in the downfall of our relationship too.

Bump

Could very much do with some advice

What was the incident you refer to? Did he assault you?

It honestly sounds like that although things are fine on the surface, underneath the cracks are still there. Somethings just can't be repaired unfortunately.

If this incident was an incident of physical violence (you don't have to disclose this if you don't want to), then please be aware that such incidents are never in isolation, and I would really urge you to seek to leave for both yourself and your children's safety.

That aside, it sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive. The thing about emotionally abusive men is that they'll never admit they're wrong, unless it's to manipulate you into staying with them. Whether you cheated or not, he was never going to take genuine accountability for his part in the downfall of the relationship. You could have been a literal angel walking the earth and he'd likely still have found a way to make it your fault. It just so happens you handed him a pretty solid reason to blame you, but he was never going to take any of the blame anyway.

For that reason I don't think this is an issue that can be fixed.

@yellowsmileyface, sexual incident. I didn't want to, it proceeded anyway.

I think we were in a bad place and am sure would not happen again. But I struggle with it still.

What your husband did was rape. Being in a bad place is absolutely no excuse. Lots of couples go through hard times without resorting to abuse.

Of course you still struggle with it.

How can you be so sure that nothing like this would happen again when he won't even take accountability?

Some things are unforgivable TBH. And my original comment still stands. Sometimes you cannot repair the trust. I couldn't ever trust a being vulnerable with a man again after something like that .