Alcoholism & Divorce advice

[QuiGon]

For my own mental health and my 2 children, I think it would be better that my husband and I separate. My husband has had an alcohol addiction for the past 3 and a half years and the stress of it all is slowly destroying me.
Financially it would be very difficult for us as if we sold the house, we won't have enough money to buy a house in our current area. I've read about a mesher order, where one of the spouse can live in the family home until the children are older. Has anyone had experience of that? How does it work? Does that mean both of the spouses contribute to the mortgage?

Does my husband has to agree where we move to. I had a look at property prices further north where I would be able to afford something.

My husband does not want to divorce, he currently works only 2 days and said he would stop working if we divorce and I will be forced to pay for his support. Is that correct?

Any advice from anyone who had an alcoholic spouse who had a divorce- glad they did or not?

Anyone who carried on and things got better?

@QuiGon I'm sorry that your thread is getting a bit derailed. How old are your children and could you go and the children go and stay with somebody for a few days to give you some time to think? Do you have anyone to talk to in person about things? Does your husband know how close you are to ending the marriage?
I think that living with an alcoholic is so stressful day to day that it's hard to plan for the future calmly. My marriage ended in an absolutely horrific week long argument that was awful for the kids. I wouldn't wish it on anybody else.

@almostthere75 my husband worked in the NHS and was already burnt out before covid ( he was working long hours from 9am-11pm 5 days a week) and had decided to quit his job. When Covid happened, he felt he could not do so because it was his duty to help. He said he started drinking to cope with the work stress and during covid when we didn't know much about the disease he felt very anxious that he would be giving the children and me covid. I have supported him as much as I can but it is so difficult. The lies, hiding of drinks, there is no trust left anymore. when you can't rely on your partner to do school run because he wakes up drunk, do all the cleaning, daily chores, kids homework, life admin, etc life gets very exhausting and with the build up of resentment, it is not always easy to be fully supportive.

He has tried to stop on his own various time without success, he's been to rehab, had 1-1 therapy but nothing has worked. 2 weeks ago he said he would try again and I helped him with his withdrawal etc and he was sober for 1 week and then he started again. Recently I've had my first panic attack when I found alcohol when I thought he had stopped. I've become very anxious and not sleeping and it's affecting my work. I'm concerned that if I become mentally unwell, then my children won't have a fit adult to look after them and not being able to work will be financially crippling.

I divorced my alcoholic husband and yes, cliche alert, best thing I have ever done. Moved into a rented house and finally bought somewhere. I am happy, relaxed and laugh a lot, which I had stopped doing when married to that idiot. I would be very happy if I never saw him again. He's a crap parent and I am embarrassed for him.

@EntirelyFedUp, my children are 9 and 6. After 4 years, I've told a friend recently who has been amazingly supportive. I've been threatening to divorce him since last year but he knows it's serious now.

Exactly I can't seem to be able to plan the way ahead because I feel constantly overwhelmed, stressed and tired. The arguments are horrible and the children knows all about it now. It is such a nightmare. Sometimes I feel like I would wake up and it was all a bad dream and life would be all normal again like it was 4 years ago :-(

Thank you for being brave to share some background.

Yes, the anxiety of living with a drinker really wears you down. Plus you have the extra responsibility of being the breadwinner and only stable parent. I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to about it all.

What do you mean he knows it’s serious now? Has he packed his bag? Do you really want that?

How is that remotely relevant to this thread @Treacle101?

Hopefully that guy is banned now.

Which guy?

You clearly have no idea

The resentment eats away at you, it becomes all consuming, there's no let up

You dread coming home because you don't know how drunk the drunk is

If they're drunk

If they're antsing to go out for booze

Whether they've got the booze in and they're ready to start drinking as soon as you get in

Whether you'll find booze stashes or empty bottles around the house

Whether the bills will be paid

Whether they're sober enough to go on that night out/parents' evening/school play/sports day or whether you'll have to go alone and/or by taxi

Every social occasion marred by booze watching the 'life and soul' of the party roping people into more drinks than they had planned and leaving them too drunk to drive, so everyone has to get taxis

Constantly wondering if there's a defaulted loan or an overdraft you don't know about

It affects every part of your life and you have no idea what a relief solitude actually is

This is exactly what my alcoholic ex did, threatening to stop work so they didn't have to pay CMS and guess what? They did lose their job through drinking and I get nothing from them financially or by way of childcare support. It was still worth it. I am grateful every day that I left with my son when I did.

Hi OP, being with an alcoholic partner is so complicated and lonely. Things will improve when you are no longer with him.
It's just about getting there now. There is no perfect way to do this but being kind to yourself I a great start.
Good luck
And treacle, I wish you luck also, why not get some support and try a few weeks not drinking? You can always pick it up again.

You. Start your own thread, stop me-railing this one.

Thank you all for your kind messages and advice.