How do you know if someone really wants you to be their friend?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I'd love some advice please as I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm not young so this might seem a strange question but, how do you know if someone really wants you as a friend or whether you've just foisted yourself upon them? I met this person a few years ago and liked them immediately. We're both a similar age and have similar interests. She has lots of friends who she's known for a long time and whom she sees regularly (she's single, I'm married) and I have a handful of old friends that I see fairly often.

I've become aware lately that I'm the one who does all the 'running' in our relationship. I text her way more than she texts me and it's always me that suggests a meet up. She never refuses to meet but on occasions I feel that I might be boring her- it just seems that we don't connect.
My question is, should I cool it a little and stop texting/arranging meetings and see what happens? I don't think it's something I could bring up without sounding like an angst-ridden teenager.
Any advice would be very welcome.

I just think it's about the 'feeling' you get from them actually
Intuition.
Sometimes it's not too much of a big deal if only one person does the suggesting etc as the friendship is worth it and the other person still gives a lot.

Other times it becomes more resentful if she doesn't come across like that.

I guess to me it really depends on the friendship

That’s a hard one. Some people just aren’t organisers. Some people have too many friends to fit in and there will always be a hierarchy of who’s closer so some will come last or be left out. Some people have no boundaries and will carry on a “friendship” while actually wanting to get out of it.

I think people who actually foist themselves on people aren’t self aware enough to worry about these things, so there’s that!

To originalusername2
Sometimes I get the vibe that she thinks I'm great but other times she's quite withdrawn and difficult to engage with. I am probably overthinking the whole thing! Thank you for your wise counsel. 😊

You sound pretty level headed, and self aware OP, so I’m not sure you’re the problem here.

Your last post about the fact that she is changeable makes me wonder if this is about her. Maybe mental health problems? She might not just be up for socialising sometimes.

i had ( have?) a similar friend. I wondered if she didn’t want to be friends, but it turns out she is like this with everyone.

I also think that some people can be quite lazy and passive with their friendships. Especially if she’s in a well established group, she probably just needs to turn up as everyone else will be organising.

You said it yourself, she has lots of friends.

I am like this a people gatherer, people feel at ease with me. I feel very lucky to have so many friends. I never forget any of my friends but there are time demands.

My view is if they are interested in friendship they will look out for you and suggest meeting up. I don't believe in rubbish organisers, some people like their own company so much and aren't bothered to meet up with anyonevwhilst also having a warm spot for you and good memories. They are perfectly capable of organising a meeting, they just can't be bothered because they love their time alone

With your mate, stop suggesting meeting up and see if she drops contact.

I have a friend who is like this. I adore her and she seems to enjoy my company. But after a while I realised I was putting most of the effort in. I consciously stopped doing the running. I saw her occasionally when I happened to visit her town. Then my life changed and I couldn't do that any more. I haven't really seen her since. She never came to visit me even though she stayed near my house on holiday and regularly travels past. I find it really sad but have accepted it wasn't an equal friendship 😔

I'm another one who thinks you could be overthinking this, but if you feel things are a bit one-sided, reduce the contact from your side (not totally, just don't suggest so many meet-ups) and see what comes back from her.

Thanks everyone, I'll lay off for a bit and see what happens. Great advice all round! Shall we all meet up for coffee (joke 😂) xx